Since the news broke last Friday that former Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon had opted out of his contract, the Cubs have been intriguingly silent about the job status of their manager Rick(y) Renteria. Ricky has not been, however. He issued a statement through his agent on Monday saying he’s excited about still being the Cubs manager.
Through a highly placed source (OK, it was Todd) we have obtained transcripts of the increasingly panicked phone calls Ricky has left for Cubs VP of Baseball Operations, Theo Epstein.
Friday, Oct. 24 – 4:00 pm
Hi Theo, it’s Ricky. Did you hear that crazy stuff about Joe Maddon? Wow, some poor schmuck is going to get launched so a team that’s desperate and not nearly as well run as we are can make a splash. I feel bad for Ron Roenicke. I realtly do. Hey, did you get that new Santana CD I sent over a couple of weeks ago? Anyway, talk to you later, boss.
Friday, Oct. 24 – 9:30 pm
Hi Theo, Ricky again. I just saw that a few teams are making announcements to stop the ludicrous speculation that they might fire their manager to hire Joe. The Dodgers did. I know the Red Sox and Mets and a couple other teams, did, too. If you need me to help you translate something so we can send it to ESPN Deportes and not just the rest of the media, I’ll have my phone on for a while. Hey, have you seen Gone Girl, yet? It’s really good. I know you and Ben Affleck are pals. Tell him I thought he was excellent. Thanks. Bye.
Friday, Oct. 24 – 11:50 pm
Hi boss. You must be busy. Just checking to see if you wanted me to call Bruce Levine and tell him that we’re not going after Joe. I’d be happy to do it. I’m just sitting here reading that Vanity Fair oral history on Shawshank Redemption. It’s really good. Tell you what, I’ll fax it to you. Right after I buy a fax machine. How late is Office Depot open until? I’ll call you back, unless you want to call me.
Saturday, Oct. 25 – noon
Mr. Epstein. It’s Ricky Renteria. I thought I heard on the radio that you gave me a vote of confidence. Did you? Yeah, you probably did. I was just talking to Starlin and he said he’s feeling good and working hard and expects to be 100 percent to start spring training. He also said if you hire Joe Maddon he’s likely to gain 40 pounds just for the hell of it. What a crazy thing to say, huh? Kids. Good thing I’ve got a special rapport with them. Hey, talk to you later.
Saturday, Oct. 25 – 7:07 pm
Hey. It’s Ricky. I wonder if you accidentally washed your iPhone? I did that once. Took days to dry it out. I had to put it in a bucket of rice. I guess the rice draws the water out. It was really hard to be out of contact for so long. That’s probably why you haven’t called me back. It’s not that you are a soulless bastard without a shred of common decency. Yeah, it’s not that. Look, I’ve started drinking, so I won’t call you tonight.
Saturday, Oct. 25 – 10:14 pm
LISTEN UP, TEDDY! I DIDN’T RIDE BUSES IN THE GODDAMNED CALIFORNIA LEAGUE FOR NINE YEARS TO HAVE SOME HARVARD PRICK NOT ONLY GIVE MY JOB AWAY, BUT DO IT WITHOUT HAVING THE BALLS TO TELL ME HE’S DOING IT! I HOPE YOU HAVE THAT STUPID MONKEY SUIT STILL, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO NEED TO WEAR IT FULL TIME TO HIDE FROM ME AND AVOID THE ASS KICKING OF A LIFETIME!
Saturday, Oct. 25 – 10:19 pm
Hey, Theo. Did you just get my funny joke voice mail? Good one, huh? Just kidding. We’re all good. Nothing to worry about. Hang loose, compadre.
Saturday, Oct. 25 – 11:17 pm
I love you soooooooooooooooo much. I just do. Call me. I need to hear your voice. I promise I’ll never, ever, ever, bunt in the first inning of a game again, EVER!
Sunday, Oct. 26 – 10:17 am
(whisper) My agent stole my phone, so I’m calling on my daughter’s. It’s all good, Theo. Can’t wait to see you in Mesa for our winter planning meetings. I’ll bring some of that key lime pie you like so much. Shit. He’s here. Gotta go, bye.
Monday, Oct. 27 — noon
Just wanted to let you know my agent sent out a little statement about how much I love my job. No real reason. Just something I like to do every October 27. But since I didn’t work here then last year, you prolly didn’t know that.
Love you!
