Our six question interview series has really all been leading up to this.  The man, the myth, the legend, Luis Valbuena.

Why did you leave me?

I got traded, man.  It happens.  I’m a baseball player.  It’s the second time in my career already that I’ve been traded.  I even got cut once, by the Indians.  That hurt.  At least when you get traded you know somebody wants you.  The Cubs are gonna be OK without me, they’ve got that big kid that hits homers all the time.  I think I’m going to like it in Houston.  Did you know it has a beach?  I thought Texas was just cows and snakes and Jessica Simpson.

Have you found a place for us to live down there yet?

I can honestly say I have not found a place for us to live in Houston.  It would have to be a pretty big place, remember you still have to remain 150 feet away from me at all times.

Remember that time you batflipped a single against the Astros?  That was awesome.  Is that why they traded for you?

I don’t think that’s why they traded for me.  I think they need somebody to play third base.  The batflips are just a bonus.  I’ll tell you what.  On my first hit of the year, I’ll do an extra special batflip just for you.

You’re going to do that on every hit though, aren’t you?

Probably.  And maybe on some of the deeper flyouts, too.

So what am I supposed to do now that you aren’t on the team?  Should I even bother rooting for the Cubs?

They are your team, man.  You’ve been rooting for them for like 60 years, right?

How old do you think I am?

You can’t just give up on them, just because they traded one guy.  You need to find a new favorite Cub, and obsess over him.  Let’s pick a new one for you.

It won’t be the same.  But sure, let’s try.

If I were you, my favorite player would be Jorge Soler.  He’s unbelievable.  He’s like 6’8 and 400 pounds and he hits the ball like 600 feet every time.

That’s not how this works.

How what works?

My favorite player can’t be awesome.  Anybody can root for the best players.  I just root for the right ones.

I have to admit, that kind of hurts.  So who have your past favorite players been?  Let me get a feel for the level of player you are looking for.

OK.  When I was a kid, it was Shawon Dunston.  I loved him.  He might actually still be my favorite player of all-time.  And for a while it was both him and Brian Dayett.

Who?

Brian Dayett.  He only played in like 140 games over three years.  They got him in the big Henry Cotto trade from the Yankees¹ and then he ended up going to Japan to play for the Nippon Ham Fighters.

What’s a Ham Fighter?  

Give it a few years, you’ll probably find out.

Hey!

After Shawon, I’m not sure I really had a favorite player until Hank White.

I can’t blame you for that.  You know, he’s back.  Just root for him.

He’s basically the assistant bullpen coach.  That’s kind of hard to actively root for.

Then who was it after Hank?

You.

OK.  So Dunston, Dayett, Blanco and me.  That’s kind of a sad list, man.

Maybe there just won’t be one this year.

I hear Reed Johnson just got cut again, maybe they’ll bring him back?  What about David Ross?  He sucks and he’s a backup catcher who used to play for the Braves.  He’s perfect.

Nah, he’s too old, and honestly, I’m still hoping they cut him and keep Welington.

What about Mike Olt?  He’s a good guy, and he’s just bad enough for you.

Nah, I like him, but I think I’d need season tickets in Des Moines to follow him most of the season.

Chris Coghlan kind of sucks.

He was Rookie of the Year once.  Plus, we wears that weird red shirt under his jersey.

Do you ever pick a pitcher for your favorite player?

Only once, and he was awesome, and it’s forever.

You’re right.  You can’t force it.  Hey, maybe they’ll get some mediocre player for Welington and you can root for that guy?

I can only hope.

Anyway, thanks for trying to help.  Good luck with the Astros.  You’re gonna need it.  I’ll be watching.

I appreciate it.  Just remember the 150 feet thing.

 

 

1.  before Cotto went on the DL in New York for puncturing his ear in the dugout with a Q-tip.