Today, on the radio, Jesse Rogers said the Cubs will be looking at every avenue to improve the team by trade “the next 10 days.” That’s great. The trade deadline is eight days away, so I’m not sure what Jed and Theo are going to be doing August 1 and 2.
It’s no secret that the Cubs have a weirdly top heavy roster. Their good players are really good and then there’s a huge drop off to a woeful bench and thin bullpen. With no more waiver trades available from August 1 on, the Cubs need to do their roster improvements now. I thought I’d made a handy chart for them to use when sifting through offers.
The following players aren’t going to be traded because it would be dumb to do so:
Javier Baez
Kris Bryant
Anthony Rizzo
Willson Contreras
Cole Hamels
These guys won’t be traded because they can’t be:
Jason Heyward
Jon Lester
Yu Darvish
Craig Kimbrel
Here’s most of the rest of them:
| Player | Position | What the Cubs would demand | The best they’d get offered | What they’d settle for | Trade chance |
| Kyle Hendricks | SP | 1992 Greg Maddux | 2019 Greg Maddux | 2002 Greg Maddux | 0% |
| Brandon Kintzler | RP | A lefthanded Brandon Kintzler | A Juan Soto punch in the face | For Kintzler not to pitch like he did after the trade last year | 0% |
| Steve Cishek | RP | For Cishek to stop putting his slider on a tee | Brad Ziegler, since nobody could tell them apart for 10 years | For Joe to stop making Cishek warm up every 40 minutes | 0% |
| Tyler Chatwood | SP/RP | Take his contract, we’ll pay for the plane ticket | A used washing machine, and for the Cubs to pay 90% of his contract | An open box of dryer sheets and for the team to pay 50% of his contract | 12% |
| Jose Quintana | SP | Gleyber Torres | Dan Vogelbach | Eloy Jimenez | 0% |
| Brad Brach | RP | A half empty can of flat Pepsi | Nothing. Just a lot of pointing and laughing. | A light case of MRSA | 0% |
| Kyle Ryan | RP | Tony Watson | Two big buckets of range balls, that he has to pick up | For the driving range to give him Sundays off in August. | 0% |
| Pedro Strop | RP | Shut your mouth. | Pedro’s not getting traded. | What is wrong with you? | 0% |
| Kyle Schwarber | LF | Austin Meadows | Byron Buxton | Starling Marte | 0% |
| Taylor Davis | C | Rene Rivera | Yadier Molina | Rene Rivera | 10% |
| Addison Russell | 2B/SS | That he retire | Mike Freeman | Mike Freeman | 70% |
| Albert Almora | CF | Somebody with more plate discipline, like Corey Patterson | Eric Patterson | Bob Patterson | 11% |
| David Bote | 2B/3B | For everyone to agree to never speak of the fact they signed him to a five-year contract for no apparent reason | Hansel Alberto | Hansel Robles | 0% |
| Robel Garcia | 2B | 2010 Robinson Cano | $25 Sbarro gift card | $100 Olive Garden gift card | 5% |
| Xavier Cedeno | RP | He is not a thing that actually exists | |||
| Dillon Maples | RP | Dylan Cease | Dylan Bundy | Dylan McKay | 25% |
| Carl Edwards Jr. | RP | Part ownership of a Pizza Ranch franchise | Four tickets to the Iowa State Fair (parking pass not included) | Somebody just take him | 80% |
| Randy Rosario | RP | For other teams not to laugh when they offer him up | You will receive no prospects, but on your deathbed you will recieve total consciousness | Any live mammal | 1% |
| Victor Caratini | C | Jason Kipnis | Yadier Molina | Jason Kipnis | 4% |
| Ian Happ | OF/2B | Albert Almora | Albert Almora | Albert Almora | 99% |
| Mark Zagunis | OF | Mallex Smith | Dwight Smith Jr. | Dwight Smith Sr. | 0% |
| Ad*bert Alzolay | SP | For him to have not caught Tommy John Disease | He caught Tommy John Disease | Tommy John Disease | 0% |
| Alec Mills | SP | Trevor Cahill | Brett Anderson | Free lens tinting at Warby Parker | 10% |
| Daniel Descalso | 2B | Ronny Cedeno | Blake DeWitt | Bobby Hill | 0% |
I’m sure I forgot somebody who will actually get traded. Probably Rowan Wick for Mike Trout. Anyway, clip and save, and refer to this often between now and July 31.