The playoffs trudge on, even without the Bears

Jan 12, 2021 | Bears, Featured, NFL

Mitch sad

Did you know that the NFL playoffs didn’t end with Mitch Trubisky winning the prestigious NVP Sunday after the Bears triumphant 21-9 loss to the Saints? I know, I’m as shocked as you are? How is anybody supposed to top winning a plastic blimp covered in snot?

NVP Trophy

I’m surprised Patrick Mahomes didn’t just go home when he saw it.

But apparently, there are more football games, and they’re playing this weekend. So, let’s take a look. I did such a great job picking games last week1, I’m doing it again! Whoo!

Here are the matchups, the TV schedule and the lines, and as always it’s fun to have a little action on these games with a handy focal point for NFL betting, which features game odds, trends and betting guides all useful for any big NFL weekend.

Rams (12-5) at Packers (13-3), Packers -6.5
Saturday, 3:35 p.m., Fox

As I’ve talked about on the award-winning Pointless Exercise Podcast2 I don’t watch Packers playoff games unless they’re playing the Bears. I mean, screw that team and that franchise and that state and those fans who are dumb enough to buy a $40 certificate of ownership that specifically says it comes without ownership rights and call themselves owners.

I would watch the game only if someone told me that Aaron Donald will be running over Aaron Rodgers on the field with an ambulance, but only if you specifically told me what time he was going to do that so that’s the only part I’d have to see.

Packers 31, Rams 17 (because God hates us)

Ravens (12-5) at Bills (14-3), Bills -1.5
Saturday, 7:15 p.m., NBC

The Bills could very well be the best team in the NFL this year (it’s them or the Chiefs, it’s not the Packers because, well, it’s just not, OK?) and I correctly predicated that their opening game of the playoffs against the Colts would be a good one. I don’t like this matchup for the Ravens, in fact I don’t think either of the AFC games are going to be all that close this week. As much fun as it is to watch Lamar Jackson run:

Watching him pass is, uh, not as much fun:

I mean, the guy’s no Mitch. But who can be? The thing about Lamar is that he just turned 24 last Thursday. He’s younger than Joe Burrow. How do I know this? Because some announcers have the wonderful habit of saying that Lamar is “still younger than Joe Burrow.” Guys, maybe you should watch a TED Talk on how calendars work, because I’m pretty sure Lamar’s always going to younger than Joe. Anyway, Lamar’s going to keep getting better. I just don’t see him beating the Bills this week.

Bills 27, Ravens 20

Browns (12-5) at Chiefs (14-2), Chiefs -10
Sunday, 2:05 p.m., CBS

How much fun was it watching Ben Roethlisberger’s fat ass trying to chase down a bad snap to start Sunday’s game?

Even after he waddled to the ball he couldn’t bend over to pick it up or fall on it. That drubbing was just the kind of feel-good stuff I needed to wash the Bears ineptness off. The Browns were missing their head coach. They had to fly to Pissburgh on separate planes and the coaches drove. They practiced once last week. The Steelers should have drubbed them, instead they did the drubbing.

It was pretty inspirational. They are truly a team of destiny. And their destiny is to get smoked in Kansas City on Sunday.

Chiefs 42, Browns 24

Buccaneers (12-5) at Saints (13-5), Saints -3
Sunday, 5:40 p.m., Fox

Drew Brees could hardly have been less impressive in Sunday’s win over the Bears. Old Hairy Moleface really can’t throw the ball more than five yards in the air. And, apparently he’s very excited about a meme that makes him look just like David Ross:

Meanwhile, Tom Brady looked like a 38 year old quarterback instead of a 42 year old as the Bucs hung on and survived a late Washington Footballers comeback attempt by…wait, I have his name here somewhere, where is it…oh, nah, this can’t be right…Taylor Heinecke? What is that?

Heinecke played quarterback and punted at Old Dominion. He threw for 730 yards against New Hampshire one time. He’s been on the practice squads of the Vikings, Patriots, Panthers and Texans. He was a backup for the St. Louis Battlerednecks of the XFL last year and didn’t play a single snap because the Battlebillies had Jordan Ta’amu at QB and he might have been the best player in the League. Ta’amu was on the Chiefs practice squad (shockingly, he didn’t beat out Mahomes for the starting job) until December 16 when the Lions claimed him. Sure, why not? The Bears couldn’t have taken a flyer on the guy, I mean they have Tyler Bray and all.

Anyway, the Saints and Bucs have played twice this year and the Saints won both easily, including 38-3 on November 8. This is bad. Football’s about matchups and the Bucs, for whatever reason don’t match up well with the Saints, but the Packers don’t match up well with the Bucs, so it’d be nice if Tampa would win this.

Against all logic, I’ll just say they’re going to. Why? Uh, how about the stuff about it’s hard to beat a team three times, and they didn’t have Antonio Brown in the first two Saints games?

Buccaneers 31, Saints 30

There you have it. What could go wrong?

 

 

Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. I went 5-1 if you list the losses first, which nobody does.
  2. Four-time winner of the “This Is A Podcast That Actually Exists Award” given by Podcast World Magazine