The receptionist tells Zapato’s secretary, CARRIE FITCH that Brent is here, and tells Brent to go back to Zaptos’ office. The door is closed and she is on the phone so he stands awkwardly by Fitch’s desk.
CARRIE FITCH
So, you’re the fresh meat, huh?
BRENT DAVID (nervously)
Yeah…hah…I guess. I mean, I’m the intern, if that’s what you meant by meat.
CARRIE FITCH
Where’d you go to school?
BRENT DAVID
Northern.
CARRIE FITCH
Northern Illinois?
BRENT DAVID
Yeah.
CARRIE FITCH
Couldn’t get into a real school?
I’m kidding. Really. I went to a juco.
BRENT DAVID (even more awkwardly)
Couldn’t afford a real college? Hah.
CARRIE FITCH
Actually, no. My parents were killed in a car accident when I was 14. They didn’t have life insurance or anything, so I lived with a drunken aunt. We didn’t have any money. Thanks for asking though.
BRENT DAVID (looks nervously around the office, hoping to find someplace to hide)
Sorry.
The door flies open to Zapato’s office. She’s on the phone and waves in Brent’s general direction as if to tell him to come in. He takes a tentative step towards the door and she points to a chair in her office. Brent takes it to mean to sit down, but there are boxes of blue rubber bands on the chair.
LINDA ZAPATOS (yelling into the phone)
That’s the problem with these (bleeping) sports talk radio stations. You tell that little weasel that we’re not lying! Honest to God, you’ve got to be kidding me. There is no way Mark Prior has a bad elbow! Where does he get this stuff?
(holds a hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and addresses Brent)
You the new guy?
BRENT DAVID
Yeah, I’m Brent David…
Brent holds out his hand for her to shake, instead she sticks a very much used styrofoam cup in it and waves her hand in the general direction of an array of coffee pots in the office.
LINDA ZAPATOS (still yelling into the phone)
Why should we help them interview our players? All they do is accuse us of lying. It used to be that we didn’t try and (bleeping) win, now we just beat our players with a stick every day and lie about it? Screw them, no wonder nobody listens to them anymore. If you go by their advertisers all of their listeners are either filing for bankruptcy, pissing away their money on offshore gambling or going to strip clubs! (Bleep) them!
Wait, no. That’s wrong. Tell them they can interview somebody bad…like…Walker. That media whore will talk to anybody.
(Hangs up phone)
Intern! Yeah, you. Come here.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
That’s Featherbottom.
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
My crying runs off the page.
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
…and it still made as much sense!
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
Remember me.
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
test
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
Even I think that’s pathetic.
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
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