BRENT DAVID
Hi, I’m…uh…Brent…uh…David.
Brent holds out his hand again, this time Zapatos hands him a box of the blue rubber bands.
LINDA ZAPATOS
You know what these are, kid?
Brent looks at the box of blue rubber bands, thinks hard and says,
BRENT DAVID
Blue rubber bands.
LINDA ZAPATOS
They’re gold! Pure gold. Fans are paying two bucks a piece for these things. You know what they cost? Six bucks a box! There are a thousand of those (bleepers) in a box. I swear to God, if everybody in the world were as dumb as Cubs’ fans we’d still be living in the sand.
Linda’s phone rings. She answers it.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Yeah, oh hey Steve, how’s the new trainer’s job going? Busy? Hope not, huh. (laughs)
What? Oh (bleep) me! You’ve got to be (bleeping) kidding me? He hurt his elbow? How’d he do that? He’s only pitched once! (Bleep.)
Does Hendry know? What’d he say? All right. Thanks for the heads up.
Zaptaos looks around the office for something to throw. She notices Brent still standing, mouth agape, in the doorway, holding a box of rubber bands. She takes the box and throws it across her office, knocking an Ernie Banks bobble head off of a shelf. Ernie’s severed head rolls across the floor and rests at Brent’s feet.
LINDA ZAPATOS
You want to meet Jim Hendry? Well, you’re about to.
She puts her hand on Brent’s back and turns him around and gently pushes him towards CARRIE FITCH’s desk. She then says to CARRIE…
LINDA ZAPATOS
We’re going to Hendry!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
That’s Featherbottom.
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
My crying runs off the page.
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
…and it still made as much sense!
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
Remember me.
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
test
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
Even I think that’s pathetic.
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
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