SCENE TWO
JIM HENDRY’S SPRING TRAINING OFFICE, GENERAL MANAGER OF THE CHICAGO CUBS
Hendry is on the phone.
JIM HENDRY
Look, Billy, I know you’re not selling jeans. Look, I’ll be in touch, OK? Thanks.
He hangs up the phone and picks up a copy of the medical report on ace pitcher Mark Prior. He has inflammation of his ulnar ligament in his right (pitching) elbow.
Cubs scout BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN is sitting in a chair facing Hendry’s desk.
JIM HENDRY
Bird dog, what are our pitchers made out of, glass? I swear, on a windy day you could go out to the practice field and hear their arm ligaments snap.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
Would now be a bad time to remind you that I told you not to draft Prior? That Joe Mauer kid is…
JIM HENDRY
Sitting in a clubhouse in Florida watching his knee swell up.
Hendry and McCracken can hear Zapatos yelling as she makes her way down the hall.
JIM HENDRY
(Bleep!) It’s The Big Shoe! I don’t want to talk to her right now. BIRD DOG, hide behind that plant.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
Huh?
JIM HENDRY
Just do it, if you know what’s good for you.
Hendry pulls the chair out from his desk and hides under the desk.
The door flies open and Zapatos and Brent stand in the doorway.
LINDA ZAPATOS
(Bleep.) Where is he? I thought you said he was in here!
She leans back through the office door and casts a doubting glare at Hendry’s secretary.
JIM HENDRY’S SECRETARY
Isn’t he in there? Oh, he must have stepped out. Can I tell him you stopped by?
LINDA ZAPATOS
No. We’ll wait. Grab a seat, intern!
Zapatos and Brent walk into Hendry’s office and sit down in the chairs that face his desk. McCracken is behind them, hiding behind the plant that Hendry told him to. McCracken is now wishing that it really was a ‘plant’ and not the cactus that he is uncomfortably squatting behind. Hendry is hunched awkwardly in the space under his desk. His cell phone is in his right hand. He types out a text message on it to his Secretary.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Oh, this is just like him, Intern. He’s probably out stuffing his face someplace. Have you noticed how fat he’s gotten? Every time one of our million dollar arms goes lame, he puts on 40 pounds. I should have Fitch canvass the Waffle Houses for him. We’ll wait. He’ll be back.
Do you hear that?
BRENT DAVID
Hear what?
LINDA ZAPATOS
Those beeps. It’s like somebody’s dialing a cell phone.
Hendry finishes up typing his message and sends it to his secretary. It says.
GET HER OUT!!!
Seconds later, Hendry’s cell phone goes off. Startled, he hits his head on the underside of his desk.
Zapatos springs from her chair and runs behind Hendry’s desk.
LINDA ZAPATOS
There you are! Were you hiding from me?
JIM HENDRY
Oh, hey, Linda! I didn’t hear you come in. I was…yeah, oh there it is. I couldn’t find my cell phone.
Zapatos looks up and sees McCracken squatting behind a cactus.
LINDA ZAPATOS
And I suppose Bird Dog is helping you look for your phone.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
No…I was…um…taking a poop. Good news though! Still constipated!
LINDA ZAPATOS
This is unbelievable! You were hiding from me? What, did you think that if I didn’t talk to you that Prior’s elbow wouldn’t be news? Do you know that we still look like clowns because of last year and the injuries to Mark and Kerry and how long they took to get better? Do you? It’s my job to look out for the reputation of this franchise, and after 100 years of terrible (bleeping) teams, that’s not easy! And I come in here and you’re hiding under your desk? bird Dog is not only hiding behind a cactus but the best excuse he can come up with is that he’s taking a crap in your office with his pants on? No wonder the Cardinals won 105 games last year! I’ll bet Walt Jocketty doesn’t have scouts fake pooping in his office!
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
You’d be surprised.
JIM HENDRY
Linda, we weren’t hiding from you. I dropped my phone under the desk and didn’t hear you come in. I apologize for the misunderstanding. You do a great job. We all respect you. We love you!
Zapatos begins to cry. She is frustrated by the obvious lack of respect and wants to tell Hendry off. But all she can muster is…
LINDA ZAPATOS
Jim, I can’t believe you’d…this is…I…
She turns to Bird Dog and as she storms out of the office, she yells.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Neifi Perez sucks!
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
Hey!
Jim Hendry hangs his head.
JIM HENDRY
That was a mistake. Now I feel bad.
He looks up at Bird Dog and says,
JIM HENDRY
Taking a poop? That’s the best you could come up with? A poop?
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
You had me squatting behind a cactus! It’s the first thing I could think of. Being put on the spot like that is not in my job description.
Hendry notices that Brent David is still sitting in a chair.
JIM HENDRY
You must be the new intern?
Hendry reaches out and shakes his hand. He introduces Bird Dog to Brent and they shake hands.
JIM HENDRY
Bird Dog here will take you back to the PR office. Nice to meet you.
Bird Dog and Brent walk out of the office and Hendry looks at his cell phone to see who called him and gave away his position hiding under the desk. He notices there’s no voice mail, but instead a text message from his secretary in response to the one he sent her that said GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!
It read:
OK.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
That’s Featherbottom.
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
My crying runs off the page.
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
…and it still made as much sense!
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
Remember me.
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
test
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
Even I think that’s pathetic.
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
It’s strange that people don’t recognise the enormous decline in taste melody, rhythm, harmony and invention since the days of Elvis, Chuck Berry and The Beatles. by soma online
online poker There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
online poker But fundamentally an organism has conscious mental states if and only if there is something that it is like to be that organism – something it is like for the organism.
Like the site very much, thanx 4 your efforts webmasters
Just dropping in to let you know you have an interesting site. I hope you’ll continue to work on it. Wishing you all the best.
I really enjoy looking through your website
Logging into this website should be a requirement for anyone knowledgeable on earth these days…
quite enjoyed your work .
poker tables In my studies of astronomy and philosophy I hold this opinion about the universe, that the Sun remains fixed in the centre of the circle of heavenly bodies, without changing its place; and the Earth, turning upon itself, moves round the Sun.
– – – = = = H i ! _ G a y s _ T h a n k _ y o u _ f o r _ s u c h _ a n _ i n f o r m a t i v e _ w e b s i t e . . V e r i _ i n t e r e s t i n _ a n _ e a y _ t o _ c o m p r e h e n d – T h a n x ! – – = = A l l , N i c e _ s i t e , _ I _h a v e _ b e e n _ s e e i n g _ s o m e _ r e a l l y i n t e r e s t i n g _ c o m m e n t s . . . _ g o i n g _ t o _ t e l l _ m e _ f r i e n d _ l o u i s e _ a b o u t _ t h i s _ s i t e ! ! = = = – – –
Great stuff here guys, check this site out!
Thanks for your site!
Thank you, I just wanted to give a greeting and tell you I like your website very much.
Nice site, I have bookmarked your site yet and I will come back again ! You have a gratest site!
Hello. May I rent your layout for my site? :)
Just dropping in to let you know you have an interesting site. I hope you’ll continue to work on it. Wishing you all the best.
I like your website ,and like to communicate with everyone on this issue!
This nice is very good, i will recomend it to my friends and partners
Wow, this is a great web site. I am so glad I found it, thank you. It is funny, I was just talking to my friend about their web site, and they said they like your site too!
This is a one super duper site
SarahBell ( ) wrote:
Thank you, I just wanted to give a greeting and tell you I enjoyed reading your material.
The stuff on this web site is really witty and cool wise
Your site is a much needed addition to my life. THANK YOU!
I used this site to get information for that i had in my class. This is an excellent site for this information :)
Thank you for your wonderful web site and this guest page
Go there guys buy prescription medications that are used to relax your body, relax your muscles.
Great site! Best wishes!
discount phentermine His high pitched voice already stood out above the general murmur of well-behaved junior executives grooming themselves for promotion within the Bell corporation. Then he was suddenly heard to say: ‘No, I’m not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I’m after is just a mediocre brain, something like the President of the American Telephone and Telegraph Company.’