SCENE FOUR: EXECUTIVE CONFERENCE ROOM, CUBS’ SPRING TRAINING HEADQUARTERS
Cubs’ president Andy MacPhail is seated at a table along with Jim Hendry and Bird Dog McCracken. Linda walks in and sits down across from Andy.
ANDY MACPHAIL
Look, before we try and figure out how we’re going to handle the media, Jim wants to say something to you, Linda.
JIM HENDRY
I wanted to apologize for…hiding under my desk earlier. It was unprofessional. I’m not sure why I did it. Bird Dog wants to apologize, too.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
I’m sorry, too.
ANDY MACPHAIL
Tell her what you’re sorry for, Bird Dog.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
I’m sorry for pretending to be pooping.
ANDY MACPHAIL
Honestly, my family’s been in baseball for like 100 years and I’ve never heard of anybody pretending to be pooping behind a cactus.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
Oh, you’d be surprised.
ANDY MACPHAIL
OK, Linda, if you feel we need to pursue this any further, you just let me know, OK?
LINDA ZAPATOS
No, I understand.
ANDY MACPHAIL
If you understand these two, you’ve been around too long. Anyway, I talked with the training staff and they honestly feel that Prior’s nerve injury isn’t serious, but he’s going to need to rest to get better and he’ll fall behind in his workouts and probably won’t be ready for opening day.
JIM HENDRY
We heard this stuff last year, too.
ANDY MACPHAIL
Yeah, but this time our trainers actually went to college. They seem to know stuff. With the bunch we had last year I’m surprised we didn’t end up forfeiting the season after a lupus breakout.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll call Dave Kaplan and give him the scoop, he believes everything we tell him. God bless that ignoramus.
ANDY MACPHAIL
Linda, you do remember this is the truth this time, right?
LINDA ZAPATOS
Whatever.
ANDY MACPHAIL
OK, put out a release with some quotes from the trainers about the injury and Mark’s tentative rehab schedule. It’s up to him if he wants to do interviews. OK, are we set now?
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
No.
ANDY MACPHAIL
What’s wrong with you?
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
I think she needs to apologize to me.
LINDA ZAPATOS
For what?
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
You know what you said!
LINDA ZAPATOS
About Neifi?
ANDY MACPHAIL
What about Neifi?
JIM HENDRY
Linda said Neifi sucked!
ANDY MACPHAIL
Well, he does, right? I mean come on, it’s Neifi Perez.
JIM HENDRY
You’ve got a point, there.
—CREDITS—
VOICE OVER
Next time on The Front Office.
Brent David attends his first Dusty Baker press conference. A misunderstanding with Kerry Wood results in Brent suffering his first “hazing” of the year. Sparks fly when Carrie and Brent hit the open road.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
That’s Featherbottom.
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
My crying runs off the page.
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
…and it still made as much sense!
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
Remember me.
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
test
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
Even I think that’s pathetic.
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
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