SCENE TWO: DUSTY BAKER’S SPRING TRAINING OFFICE AT HOHOKAM PARK
DUSTY BAKER (on the phone)
Dude! (Hangs up)
BRENT DAVID
Mister…uh…Baker…uh…Dusty, sir?
DUSTY BAKER
New guy! Dude, come on in! (Reaches behind him and turns the stereo up)
DUSTY BAKER
You like Earth, Wind and Fire?
BRENT DAVID
Yeah, sure.
DUSTY BAKER
(Long pause)
Which one you like best? Me, I like Earth.
BRENT DAVID
Yeah, Earth, he’s pretty good. Uh…um…I’m Brent David, I work in the PR office as an intern.
DUSTY BAKER (stands up and shakes Brent’s hand)
Nice to meet you Brent. I’m Dusty.
BRENT DAVID
Yeah, I know. I mean, you’re Dusty Baker.
DUSTY BAKER
Glad we got that straight, little dude. So you work with The Big Shoe, dude?
BRENT DAVID
I think he’s…uh, um…I’m pretty sure he’s a woman, sir.
DUSTY BAKER
Dude doesn’t look much like a lady. Isn’t that a song?
Starts to sing
Dude doesn’t look like a lady! Yeah, yeah, dude doesn’t… That’s not how that goes. Anyway, what’s up?
BRENT DAVID
She..uh..yeah…she…says there’s a press conference today.
DUSTY BAKER
The Big Shoe said that? There’s one today? Let me look here, dude.
(Dusty picks up an Ipod and pushes some buttons)
DUSTY BAKER
This is Darren’s, but I use the calendar thing on it. Where’s the (bleeping) calendar?
Brent looks down and sees a Palm Pilot with a huge Tigger sticker on it.
BRENT DAVID
Maybe it’s on this…(hands Dusty the Palm)
DUSTY BAKER
Dude! That’s it. What is this thing? (Tosses IPod back onto the desk).
Brent sees a sticker on the IPod that says “Posesión de Jose Macias” on the side.
Dusty finds the calendar.
DUSTY BAKER
Oh, yeah, there’s one today at 11 a.m. Man, that’s like ten minutes, Dude. You got the media room ready? I’ll be in at eleven.
Brent walks out of the office. Pauses and returns.
BRENT DAVID
Uh…Mr. Baker?
DUSTY BAKER
Call me Dusty, or Skip! Just don’t call me and tell me the IRS is on the phone! Dude!
BRENT DAVID
Where is the media room?
DUSTY BAKER (LAUGHS)
Good one! See you at eleven! Where is the media room… That is priceless, dude! I like you already!
Brent wanders through the clubhouse as players are coming in from the field and getting Gatorade and power bars. There at the opposite end of the clubhouse is a room with a small sign that says “Media Room.” Under the sign there is a dry erase board with “Dusty Baker News Conf. 11 a.m.” scrawled on it in blue marker and under it, carved out with what looks like a pen it says, “Allman Sucks and Valentine Swallows.”
Brent walks into the media room and sees that there are some TV crews set up and recognizes the voice of George Allman from one of the sports radio stations in Chicago.
GEORGE ALLMAN
They’re lying!
Some of the media look up when Brent walks into the room, but most are busy tearing their way through leftover bagels and doughnuts from the players’ morning spread.
Mitch Kricksteen walks in and Allman immediately walks towards him.
GEORGE ALLMAN
Mitch, is Dusty going to tell us about Prior’s elbow?
BRENT DAVID (Looks at Mitch and sees his nametag that says, “Mitch Kricksteen” and mutters to self)
Mitch Kricksteen? I wonder if that’s Mitch Kumsteen?
Mitch ignores Allman and waves at Brent who is obvious because of the big blue “Intern” badge he has to wear to get access around the clubhouse.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
You’re the intern, right?
BRENT DAVID
Yeah.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Mitch Kricksteen. Look, I’ve got an appointment across town, do you think you can handle this if I get it started?
BRENT DAVID (terrified)
What do I have to do?
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
At 11:20 you say “One more question.” Then after that question you give Dusty a wave and he gets up and leaves. End of press conference.
BRENT DAVID
I can do that.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Great. (Mitch looks and sees Dusty in the doorway. Mitch walks to the podium.)
It’s eleven, and Dusty’s here, so why don’t we get started?
Dusty sits down at a table next to the podium where the media have set up their microphones and digital recorders. Mitch pulls a recorder out of his pocket, switches it on and sets it on the table. He walks to the back of the room and waves Brent over.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
See that white recorder I just set down? Grab that before you leave. We record these, too. Gives us a leg to stand on if we think whoever was talking gets misquoted. Just put it on my desk when it’s over, OK?
Mitch ducks out the door, into the clubhouse and heads for his 11:30 tee time.
GEORGE ALLMAN
Dusty, what’s the update on Prior? My sources tell me he’s going to need Tommy John surgery.
DUSTY BAKER
Dude, I don’t know who your sources are, but my sources say it’s just minor irritation, dude. Kind of like you.
TV REPORTER
When is Prior set to throw again?
DUSTY BAKER
Dude, he’s gonna take a few days, then probably do some long toss. We’ll see how it is then. The doctors say it’s not a big deal, dude.
TV REPORTER #2
Any update on Kerry Wood?
Dusty answers the question and then several more. Brent keeps an eye on the clock and starts to get nervous as it gets closer to 11:20. Finally it does and he says…
BRENT DAVID (voice cracking)
We’ve got time for one more question!
WGN RADIO REPORTER
Ron Santo is up for the Veteran’s Committee vote on the Hall of Fame ballot again. Do you think he deserves to be in the Hall?
DUSTY BAKER
He was one tough dude as a player, man. Ron was a great dude, you know? Dude deserves to be in, dude. If he’s not a Hall of Fame dude, then I don’t know what a dude’s gotta do? You know?
The reporters nod, more out of confusion than agreement.
Dusty looks at Brent who waves at him to let him know he can go.
GEORGE ALLMAN
One more question?
Dusty looks at Brent who says…
BRENT DAVID
Sorry, Dusty’s got to go.
GEORGE ALLMAN
Dusty, answer one more.
DUSTY BAKER
It’s all right, dude. One more, then I got to go, dude.
GEORGE ALLMAN
A report out of Chicago says that one of your white friends has spoken with you about how you both feel that you don’t get the credit you deserve because you’re black.
Brent’s heart sinks, and he knows he shouldn’t have let Dusty take one more question.
DUSTY BAKER (agitated)
Look, Dude. I got lots of friends and they know how I really feel, man.
Brent is relieved at how Dusty handled the question. Dusty starts to get up and then says…
DUSTY BAKER
But I’ll tell you something…
Brent’s heart jumps to his throat.
DUSTY BAKER
I ain’t letting no honkey keep me down.
Dusty walks out of the media room through the clubhouse and slams the door to his office.
GEORGE ALLMAN
He’s lying!
Allman turns to another sports radio reporter, this one from a competing station, Bruce Valentine.
GEORGE ALLMAN
We got him this time. Honkey? That’s priceless.
BRUCE VALENTINE
Yeah. Priceless!
NEWSPAPER BEAT WRITER #1
Great, now I have to figure out how to spell honkey!
NEWSPAPER BEAT WRITER #2
Just Google it.
NEWSPAPER BEAT WRITER #1 (annoyed)
Go Google yourself!
The reporters all file out of the media room, some stuffing bagels and doughnuts into their laptop carrying cases. Brent stands in disbelief, knowing that Dusty’s use of the word honkey is going to blow up.
He leaves the room, the white recorder of Mitch Kricksteen still laying on the podium.
Dolan,
Carrie Fitch is straight out of my “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Every other comment out of her is some smart-assed sarcasm. I’m getting in touch with Ivy Chat Chuck’s attorney ASAP.
You’re lying! I’m a Plymouth Horizon!
Bruthas! Lemme tell ya sumpthin’ Andy — this Dusty Baker cat talks my language, little dude. I was hoping to invite him to hang and bang with the Hulkster as I am inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this Sunday at WrestleMania. All the Hulkamaniacs will be there and they’ll say, “Hulkster, brutha, give us one more pose, dude!” And I’ll have to rip off my t-shirt to show off my 24″ pythons. And if Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in my face, dude, I’ll bodyslam him to the old folks home. Whatcha gonna do? When the Hulkster and his new muscle Dusty Baker runs wild on you!?
[Flex, holding muscle pose.]
Yo, Hulk dude. I dig your style. You handle the sun well for a white guy, dude.
Dusty, the Hulkster isn’t white, he’s orange…like me pal.
Hey Coach Ditkus,
Where am I?
i’m a funny guy
Not only do I have commercials, but I have a regular article in the Braves magazine and on braves.com…everything’s comin’ up Chip!
God help us…God help us all.
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