SCENE FOUR: CUBS STAFF PARKING LOT, MESA, ARIZONA
CARRIE FITCH
Hop in.
BRENT DAVID
Is this your car?
The car they’re standing next to is a royal blue VW Beetle with the Cubs logo painted on the hood.
CARRIE FITCH
Yes, it’s mine. I love the Cubs so (bleeping) much, that I painted a big (bleeping) logo on Herbie my Love Bug! This is one of the fleet cars, you (bleeper).
They get in and Carrie tears out of the parking lot.
CARRIE FITCH
OK, Acres Ventosos is only a couple miles down the road here. A lot of the players like it because Damon Berryhill works there.
BRENT DAVID
The old Cubs’ catcher? Is he the pro?
CARRIE FITCH
No, I’m pretty sure he picks up the towels and stuff in the locker room.
BRENT DAVID
Sweet.
The car begins to shudder.
BRENT DAVID
That can’t be good.
CARRIE FITCH
Why, I think stalling cars are a sign of excellence! Of course this is bad. Oh.
BRENT DAVID
Oh, what?
CARRIE FITCH
Yeah, I didn’t really check something before we left. Yeah, there’s no gas.
The car stalls and she steers it to the shoulder of the road.
BRENT DAVID
How far is the golf course?
CARRIE FITCH
Like four miles.
BRENT DAVID
How far is it from the office?
CARRIE FITCH
Like, eight miles.
BRENT DAVID
So we’re stranded half way.
CARRIE FITCH
Wow, that’s impressive, you’re like a young Stephen Hawking.
BRENT DAVID
Well, what are we going to do?
CARRIE FITCH
I’ll call Kumsteen’s cell phone.
BRENT DAVID
It’s off. We’re screwed.
CARRIE FITCH (on the phone)
Kummer! It’s Fitch. Yeah, can you do me a favor? I ran one of the ridiculous Herbies out of gas halfway between work and your golf course. The Intern is with me. Not well. Yeah, that’s what we were coming to talk to you about. Sorry there Tiger, you’re going to have to cut the round short. Yeah, Dusty really (bleep) the bed again.
BRENT DAVID
Wow, I’m glad he had his phone on this time.
CARRIE FITCH
This time?
BRENT DAVID
You left a message before.
CARRIE FITCH
Oh, that was on his office phone. I just wanted an excuse to get out of the office.
[Twenty minutes later]
Mitch Kricksteen pulls up in yet another of the Cubs’ fleet cars. He gets out, pops the trunk and pulls out a gas can.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Sorry it took me so long, I had to drive around to find a gas station that sold diesel.
He empties the gas can into the car.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
So what did Dusty say this time?
BRENT DAVID
He said the “honkeys” want to keep him down because he’s black.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Yeah, that’s…that’s not good. Do you have my digital recorder with you? We can listen to it and see if there’s a way we can spin it. Maybe it wasn’t really as bad as it seemed at first blush.
Brent realizes that he left the recorder on the podium in the media room.
BRENT DAVID
The recorder is back at the office.
Mitch screws the top back on the gas can and puts the gas cap back on the car.
CARRIE FITCH (throws keys to Brent)
Intern! You drive back, I’ll ride with the Kummer.
She gets in Mitch’s car and they U turn to the other side of the road and towards work.
Brent gets in his car and starts it up. He pulls the same U turn, but the car starts to shudder again and dies. He narrowly misses hitting another car as he coasts to the shoulder.
RANDOM CAR DRIVER PASSING BY
Cubs suck!
Brent looks at the fuel gauge only to see three little words that catch his eye. “Unleaded Fuel Only”
He reaches for his cell phone, only to realize that he doesn’t have it with him. It’s in his cubicle.
RANDOM CAR DRIVER PASSING BY (in crappy old Dodge Omni)
They’re lying!
Dolan,
Carrie Fitch is straight out of my “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Every other comment out of her is some smart-assed sarcasm. I’m getting in touch with Ivy Chat Chuck’s attorney ASAP.
You’re lying! I’m a Plymouth Horizon!
Bruthas! Lemme tell ya sumpthin’ Andy — this Dusty Baker cat talks my language, little dude. I was hoping to invite him to hang and bang with the Hulkster as I am inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this Sunday at WrestleMania. All the Hulkamaniacs will be there and they’ll say, “Hulkster, brutha, give us one more pose, dude!” And I’ll have to rip off my t-shirt to show off my 24″ pythons. And if Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in my face, dude, I’ll bodyslam him to the old folks home. Whatcha gonna do? When the Hulkster and his new muscle Dusty Baker runs wild on you!?
[Flex, holding muscle pose.]
Yo, Hulk dude. I dig your style. You handle the sun well for a white guy, dude.
Dusty, the Hulkster isn’t white, he’s orange…like me pal.
Hey Coach Ditkus,
Where am I?
i’m a funny guy
Not only do I have commercials, but I have a regular article in the Braves magazine and on braves.com…everything’s comin’ up Chip!
God help us…God help us all.
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