SCENE FIVE: CUBS’ SPRING TRAINING PR OFFICES
Mitch and Carrie return to the office. Zapatos’ door is open and she’s drinking Scope.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN (to Carrie)
Wow, it’s not even one yet and she’s hitting the Scope. Rough day. OK, which cubicle is the Interns? I’ll grab the recorder, figure out how to spin what Dusty actually said and I’ll be back on the links by three.
Carrie points to a cubicle.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
(Bleep) There’s nothing in here but his cell phone and an Evanescence CD. The kid’s got issues, all right. I need to find that recorder!
SCENE SIX: CUBS’ MEDIA ROOM
Kerry Wood and Glendon Rusch are foraging for leftover doughnuts.
KERRY WOOD (spots the white digital recorder on the podium)
Hey G-unit! Isn’t this Jose Macias’ I-pod?
GLENDON RUSCH
That doesn’t look like an I-pod. It’s white, but it’s the wrong shape.
KERRY WOOD
He’s probably got a Dominican I-pod. Hey, you know what would be funny?
Wood walks back into the clubhouse and heads to his locker. He grabs a bat and heads back towards the media room. He stops just before the doorway and makes an announcement to the guys in the clubhouse.
KERRY WOOD
In order to keep us focused this year, there will be no music in the clubhouse! No boomboxes, no stereos and not even any I-pods!
Kerry walks into the media room, holds the bat over his head with both hands and smashes both the recorder and the podium. The recorder explodes into several pieces. The clubhouse erupts with laughter.
Next week on The Front Office:
The Cubs’ TV announcing crew arrives.
Dolan,
Carrie Fitch is straight out of my “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Every other comment out of her is some smart-assed sarcasm. I’m getting in touch with Ivy Chat Chuck’s attorney ASAP.
You’re lying! I’m a Plymouth Horizon!
Bruthas! Lemme tell ya sumpthin’ Andy — this Dusty Baker cat talks my language, little dude. I was hoping to invite him to hang and bang with the Hulkster as I am inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this Sunday at WrestleMania. All the Hulkamaniacs will be there and they’ll say, “Hulkster, brutha, give us one more pose, dude!” And I’ll have to rip off my t-shirt to show off my 24″ pythons. And if Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in my face, dude, I’ll bodyslam him to the old folks home. Whatcha gonna do? When the Hulkster and his new muscle Dusty Baker runs wild on you!?
[Flex, holding muscle pose.]
Yo, Hulk dude. I dig your style. You handle the sun well for a white guy, dude.
Dusty, the Hulkster isn’t white, he’s orange…like me pal.
Hey Coach Ditkus,
Where am I?
i’m a funny guy
Not only do I have commercials, but I have a regular article in the Braves magazine and on braves.com…everything’s comin’ up Chip!
God help us…God help us all.
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