SCENE FIVE: CUBS PR OFFICE, WRIGLEY FIELD, CHICAGO
LINDA ZAPATOS
Mr. Fargas! So glad you could make it.
BARNEY FARGAS
This better be good! I didn’t haul my (bleep) down here for nothing.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Oh, I think it will be worth it. We just wanted to thank you for all of your years as a loyal Cubs fan. I understand you have recently been confined to that wheelchair, so we wanted to do something special for you.
BARNEY FARGAS
If you wanted to do something special, you could have signed that Carlos Beltran to play right field. That would have been better than whatever this is.
Out in the hall, Ryne Sandberg, Carrie Fitch, Brent David and Mitch Kricksteen are huddled up.
RYNE SANDBERG
So which one of you is going to do this?
CARRIE FITCH
The Intern is.
RYNE SANDBERG
You sure you can handle this? Maybe I should be the one who does it.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Ryne, you can’t do it. You’re the distraction.
RYNE SANDBERG
Right. OK, I got a good look at his shoes through the window when they wheeled him in here. He’s got regular cotton-poly laces. The quickest way to light them is to hold the lighter on the plastic tip of the laces…
BRENT DAVID
The aglet.
CARRIE FITCH
The what?
BRENT DAVID
That’s called the aglet.
CARRIE FITCH
Wow, you’re just full of useless (bleep).
RYNE SANDBERG
Anyway, they’ll start to melt, but the lace will burn and it’ll work it’s way right up onto the top of his shoe. Now The Big Shoe says this guy is faking, so when he gets up to put out his burning shoe, we’ll nab him.
CARRIE FITCH
Nab him? What are you, Columbo all of a sudden?
Back in the main office…
LINDA ZAPATOS
Mr. Fargas! I want you to meet somebody!
She points at the door.
Nothing happens.
LINDA ZAPATOS (louder)
I want you to MEET somebody!
The door opens and Mitch, Carrie and Ryne walk in.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Mr. Fargas, I’m sure you don’t know Carrie Fitch or Mitch Kumsteen, but I’m sure you know this guy!
RYNE SANDBERG (leans over to shake Barney’s hand)
Hi there, Ryne Sandberg, HOF 2005. Nice to meet you.
BARNEY FARGAS
Wow, it’s really you! This is an honor. You played the game the right way, not like that (bleep) who we traded to the Orioles.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Great! We’ll all pretend you didn’t say that.
Brent David sneaks into the room by coming in the other door, directly behind Barney. He crawls under the table next to Barney’s wheel chair and holds out a long handled lighter, like you’d use to light candles or a cheap gas grill. As Sandberg and Barney continue to chat, Brent is burning off the tip of a lace on Barney’s left shoe.
RYNE SANDBERG
So, I hear you’re a big Cubs fan and you have season tickets.
BARNEY FARGAS
I’ve had season tickets…for a number of years. Hey, do you smell something?
RYNE SANDBERG
Yeah, that’s great. Remember opening day in 1990 when Marvelle Wynne got that game winning hit? That was exciting.
BARNEY FARGAS
Smells like a burning tire. It’s probably the same way that the inside of Mel Hall’s hat smelled.
Barney’s laces are now completely on fire. Brent David starts to crawl back out from under the table, when the flames jump to Barney’s corduroy pants and flash. David is startled and hits his head on the underside of the table.
BARNEY FARGAS
What the? My leg’s on fire!
Barney lunges forward awkwardly and falls out of the chair. His legs, indeed useless after all are now both on fire. Consequently the carpet begins to burn, sending up a big billowing cloud of black smoke that sets off the fire alarms in the office. The sprinklers start to go off, dousing everyone, and putting out the fire on the carpet and on Barney’s legs and feet.
RYNE SANDBERG
Oh, that’s unfortunate.
Next week on The Front Office…The Cubs hold a ceremony to honor new part-owner Barney Fargas by replacing Ron Santo’s #10 flag with one for Barney that includes a photo of his beagle, Speedy.
“Oh, that’s unfortunate”
Now, that sounds like something Ryne would actually say.
I doubt anyone sees this, whats up with the script thing anyway, but Carrie Muskat over on cubs.com was asked if Wuertz should be the closer?He has had success in AAA with this and Hawkins seems more suited for a set up role. Muskat’s reply was “with this logic the Yankees should give up on Rivera, after all he has two blown saves” What the Fu*&%!!! What about last year, or the years in Minnesota when they tried it? Im sick of this Tribune bullshit that they always spew out. Do they think we are that stupid? OK I feel better now.
“Resent the inference” needs to be updated more often. We say stupid things every day!
Yeah, we are a stupid bunch of assclowns, aren’t we?
Then again, we own a bunch of newspapers, a tv station, a ball club, plenty of real estate, our own scalping agency, plus we get a piece of said ball club’s merchandising. Hell, we even get $ from the stupid fucks that live across the street. Yet you idiots keep showing up, and paying top dollar for all kinds of shit. With all the money we make, you’d think we’d have bought a winner by now. Well, with our great fan base, we don’t need to. Yeah, a real bunch of assclowns, huh?
I am absolutely worthless.
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