The Happening

[R-V]

I was hoping this thread was still around.

"The Last Airbender" is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented. The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right. Not here. It puts a nail in the coffin of low-rent 3D, but it will need a lot more coffins than that.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100630/REVIEWS/100639999

Piling on:

http://io9.com/5576076/m-night-shyamalan-finally-made-a-comedy

And The Last Airbender is a lavish parody of big-budget fantasy epics. It's got everything: the personality-free hero, the nonsensical plot twists, the CG clutter, the bland romance, the new-age pablum. No expense is spared — Shyamalan even makes sure to make fun of distractingly shitty 3-D, by featuring it in his movie.

Shyamalan's true achievement in this film is that he takes a thrilling cult TV series, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and he systematically leaches all the personality and soul out of it — in order to create something generic enough to serve as a universal spoof of every epic, ever.

In the middle of a summer of proctologically un-thought-out action movies, The Last Airbender breezes past self-parody into a full-on comedy assault that will have you hearing Shyamalan's mocking laughter in your sleep. It's an absurdist masterpiece, in which a million things happen but nothing takes place. (In completely flat 3-D.) This is the standard by which all future epics will be judged.

I'm definitely stealing "proctologically."

[CT III]

I'm bumping this thread to keep Gil's review.

[Yeti]

I'm bumping this thread to keep Gil's review.

Thanks for the link: http://www.desipio.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=5952.msg135368#msg135368

[Gilgamesh]

So, I just got back from work, I'm getting fairly drunk, and I've decided to watchi this movie again...

NEW REVIEW FORTHWITH!!

[Gilgamesh]

The opening title credits are just hundreds of seconds of clouds...

I KNOW THE TWIST ALREADY, MNIGHT!

The dog in the first scene is already the best actor in this whole thing already...

This is the worst opening of a Law and Order episode ever...BRISCOE!!!

Both of these chicks are highly bangable...

DO CHICKS REALLY STILL USE GIANT ICEPICKS FOR THEIR HAIR!!?!?!?

Requisite ethnic blue collar worker scenes...

Who's Christ MacKenzie?  Worst name ever!

MNight's tribute to 9/11 is the construction worker scene... I think he's being too callous here.  TOO SOON MNIGHT!!

Mark Wahlberg's character talks to his students like Tim Tebow.

Fuck bees...fuck movies...

The stupid kid in the classroom just totally guessed the right answer...DID YOU READ THE SCRIPT TOO?!?!?

Real question: Is John Leguizamo still alive?

CAMERON!!!

Confused speech, physical disorientation, third phase is fatal... that's two-thirds of a Yetti's day.

"Central Park? That's odd." Eat a dick, marky mark.

What's wrong with your tooth, Leguiz?

Oh, Mark's losing Zooey...boo hoo...

So you saved that crucial factoid about Mark's future wife until after the wedding...SMART

There's a scene with Zooey and her cell phone...APPLE TOTALLY STOLE THAT FOR THAT ONE AD!!!

The CDC is based in Atlanta, MNIGHT...not at the UN...that's the WHO!!  Seriously, screen capture that shit, you tard.

STOP SPELLING OUT THE PLOT!!!

What do you think about when Zooey's just staring at shit with her mouth open?  You know what I think about?  THW WIND!!!

Nice douche ring, mark.

Zooey's cheating...with a stupidier person than Marky.

Ukee Washington?  Is that a name?

Leguiz's kid's backpack is as big as the kid.

Cabbage Patch Dolls...only 80s kids get that...

Who takes trains?  Commupeans, that's who.

Meanwhile...here...

THE WIND IS ABLOWING!!

Japanese Philadelphian police officers...now I've seen everything...

Oh, nice bullet entry wound...FAKE

SECOND FAKE...

This is the scene the NRA objected to the most...

That black girl's pants on the train are too tight...

OH NO NOT PHILADELPHIA!?!?!  WHITHER OUR NATIONAL CHEESE WHIZ SUPPLY?

"Another park?" God, you're terrible, Marky.

There's an add on this train for just bread...not even like a store, just bread...

ON DEMAND COMMERCIAL BREAK...MORE VODKA!!

[Gilgamesh]

And we're back...

This train looks like it's going thru the rare Pennsylvanian jungles you've heard about.

Ok, Mark, you just literally saw the sign (get it?) that says Filbert and you're asking the conductor where you are?  I thought you were all mr. big smart j-crew science teacher...idiot...and you can't act for shit.

They lost contact with ... everyone? What does that even mean?

Zooey doesn't show emotions...she's a Vulcan.

"We're in a small town, Jess, nothing will happen to us here."  There's so much stupid in that sentence, I don't even know what to say.  AUSCHWITZ WAS A SMALL TOWN TOO, MARK!!  YOU ANTI-SEMITE!!

They find the one diner in this town?  No Taco Bells?  FOURTH MEAL!!

This mood ring scene continues to demonstrate that Mark cant act...

The first iphone...

Worst cgi ever...those lions aren't even believable.

Larry's Automotive paid handsomely for this product placement...

It's not terrorists and it's hitting small towns, like this one that the idiot pointed to on the TV...

"Wait, don't forget your doggy bags!!!"

Mark needs to work on his begging skills...

Oh yeah, old school jeeps with the wood panels...nice

LEguiz is going to die...duh.

Hey, take my kids...and I'm sure this rando guy is just going to sit around forever...

NO MATH JOKES!!!

Second honk...

Oooh aggressive-aggressive Leguiz on Zooey.

45 mph speed limit on a main street in a small town? FAKE

oooh there's a nuke plant in the background...HUMANS ARE TERRIBLE, RIGHT MNIGHT?!?!

PLANTS AND MOZART!!!

This guy totally uses hot dogs as marital aids.

Hot dog-fucker just revealed the movie...again.

That's a huge thing for just mustard.

PRINCETON, SOMEWHERE...CITY ON THE GOOOO!!!

How did these guys tie such great hanging ropes out of garden hose?

Math riddle!!

I can hear thw wind...that's the ballgame.

PINHOLE LEAK!!!

DEATH!!  COME ON!!

Wrost death ever...

Leguiz you gotta go north to south, not east to west...rookie mistake...

I see dead people...through the binoculars.

Oh, we gotta turn around, eh Mark? No shit, Rand McNally.

Private Pyle is the most believable character in this movie.

There's always time for adultery, Zooey...even during the happening...

The rare Ford Probe...

Live death on a cell phone...if it came from anyone but MNUGHT, this'd be cool...

HOW CAN YOU HEAR THE WIND FROM OUTSIDE ON THE PHONE THAT CLEARLY??!?!?!

How is it not a violation of child labor laws for kids to appear in this shitty movie?  Call DCFS.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!  TIME TO SHIT!!

[Gilgamesh]

The guy's eating a hot dog now?

The way this guy talks sounds like MNIGHT just read Wikipedia articles one night and decided to make a movie...

What's wrong with that old woman's face in front of Gomer?

See Asians guys know how to read maps...and he's a REALTOR!!

This pan of them walking through the grass is MNIGHTS homage to the Sound of Music...BECAUSE THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!!!

Randomly walking in the grass during a disaster with your deceased friend's daughter is always the best time to reveal one's infidelity...

Yeah, Mark, her lying to you is the worst thing right now...

WIND...RUN IN AN UNSPECIFIED DIRECTION!!

Its happening

I have that same holster, just in case...

The wind is clearly blowing around Mark in this scene, but everyone is fine.

Maybe it's just strong wind.

Jesus, Zooey, who's uses huge words and sentences in moments like this?

How many bullets are in this gun?

DID EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE SHOP AT JCREW!!?!?!?

Youknow that black guy's gonna eat it...

Or that fat bitch...

Almost a Zooey upskirt shot...dare to dream

STOP SAYING HAPPENING!!!

Didn't you just have a map!?!?!  Why do you need another?!?!

Clear Hill Community Development Company?  See because hills are clear and that foreshadows something I don't know.

Figures the guy had talk radio on.  Republicans would probabyl blame the gheys.

Time to run towards the creepy house.

Clear Hill made that map too, so that obviously means something

Wind in the room!?!?!?

He's talking to a plant now...this is really a movie, folks...seriously, this happened.  GODDAMNIT NOW I DID IT!!!

Fake stuff in houses?  Must be a Bluth model home.

There's that stupid Marky Mark voice when talking to a kid...

The infamous lawnmower kill scene...still stupid

$300,000 for a house in bumfuck, PA?

the fat black kid is Mark's Oprah.

Wind!

Im pretty sure the talking like a retard thing is a MNIGHT trope.

This is probably the dumbest scene I've ever seen in a movie.

More creppy houses.

The swing on the tree pisses off trees.

Maple tree.

Mnight is racist because he's showing the skill of the black kid staring into the window...

He actually said, "You aint from around here..."

I think the black kid got killed by a musket...seriously.

COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME TO SHIT AND PEE

[Gilgamesh]

Hey, what happened to Cameron?  Seriously?

This is MNIGHT's version of American Gothic.

Gas masks!!!  FINALLY!!  Seriously, why does no one have these?!?!?

So, you don't know what this shit is, doctor man, but you know qhat time itll be over though

NEBRASKAN GUN NUTS...BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, RIGHT?!?!

Those dots on the map look like dippin dots that close up.

Creepy house number 3 if youre scoring at home

You didn't notice the creepy woman, Mark?

Open your goddamned mouth, Mark.

Random creepy women are in the business of making food for strangers?

Zooey says the first words to this woman, three hours later.

Creepy woman just laid out the ending of the movie here...

So, first the fat black kid does it, and now the creepy old woman is a marriage counselor?

MISSES JONES AND ME!!!!

Damn, that was a powerful slap!!  OUT OF NOWHERE!!  LIKE THE WIND!!

Mrs. Jones is mean.

And now she's letting them spend the night?  WHO DOES THIS!?!?

AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING?  TO HER THESE PEOPLE WERE JUST STRANGERS WALKING AROUND!!!

"Exorcist-y"

What the fuck is wrong with this woman?  She thinks they're going to kill her in her sleep, but she'll let them spend the night?

WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?!?  TDUBBS??

More JCREW CLOTHES!!!

Randomly going into creepy woman's room is the smart thing to do...

CREEPY DOLLS = HORROR BECAUE OBVIOUSLY!!

What the fuck is happening?  Now I know Crabs wrote this shit.  AND I SAID IT AGAIN!!

She's infected or old or whatever, Mark.

Creepy woman kills herself by repeatedly banging her head on things...

WIND IN THE HOUSE!!!

Mark smokes the chronic...

SLAVE TUBE!!!

Time to go into the creepy basement.

Playing with frogs...

Nice shot of Zooey's ass there...a little something for the guys.

Wait is her name Alma?

THIS IS THE WORST ACTING EVER!!!

DISMEMBERED VOICES MEANS DRAMA!!!

Now we explain the mood ring...finally.

Purple means horny obviously and blue means peaceful and love is a forgotten color...dumbest poem ever.

Mark's going outside into the wind...

DIE DIE DIE DIE

THE THE THE THE

Watch it be you gotta have some positive mental attitude shit and it makes you immune or something...

Does anyone remember that old lady dying?

Three months later...

Zooey should never be a mom...

I thought everyone in Philadelphia died? What the fuck is happening in this movie?  GODDAMNIT I DID IT AGAIN!!!

Wouldnt house prices be cheap as shit what with everyone dead and everything...

The "Department of Botanical Toxicology?"  At the University of Chicago?  REALLY?  THAT SPECIFIC OF A FIELD DEMANDS ITS OWN DEPARTMENT?!?!?

FUCK THIS MOVIE!!

Who has random eggs on a table like that?

The doctor just repeated the retard kid's line in the first scenes...

It was a warning!!  In the Northeast...and no one believes doctor goofenfuck.

Zooey's preggers.

REMEMBER WHEN ALAN RUCK WAS IN THIS MOVIE?!?!?

Meanwhile, in France...

The wind moved to Europe we get it...

It's the least gay day in Europe.

Yeah it moved to Europe...we get it...

Seriously we get it...

Enough I get it already...

Stop spelling it out for me!!

Actually, I'd have no problem with this...

AND CREDITS!!

FUCK THE HAPPENING  FUCK THIS MOVIE  FUCK MOVIES!!

[Quality Start Machine]

Well, this is quite the event.

[Saul Goodman]

Well, this is quite the event.

WHY CAN'T ANYONE GIVE ME A SECOND