Poop Chat with Karry Ling

[KarryLing]

Hello again, everybody!  I was so glad to see yesterday that so many of you (well, one of you) missed my daily Stool updates in the News Box here at the world's greatest messageboard.  Andy has kindly allowed me to put up an update for today (actually, he probably doesn't know I did it), and I thought it'd be fun if we took the chance to chat about something we do every day (well, if you get enough grain you do).

Today's topic on Poop Chat with Karry Ling: The different types of poop.

I'm sure we all have names we give some different types of dump types.  For example, I have some.

The Boss (aka The Springsteen) -- You flush, everything goes down and then suddenly one pops back up for an understated encore.

The Aerosmith -- Much like The Boss, only this one comes back for repeated encores, whether you want it to or not.

The Osama Bin Laden -- You feel it plunge, you hear the splash, yet when you lift a cheek to check your handiwork it's nowhere to be found, presumably into the little cave.

Discuss amongst your friends! 

[Andy]

Oh yes, this seems like a grand idea.

Since I work with him, I can tell you that Karry takes a lot of Coalminers.  We have to send a canary into the bathroom when he's done to see if the air is still toxic.

[Slaky311]

We had bridging the gap in high school. If someone could lay one across the hole in the toilet where everything goes down, you successfully bridged the gap. Good times.

[CPT]

So when is Karry going to have a sit down interview with Brick Tamlin?

[SD]

Ah, I remember those innocent days when all the news box consisted of was, well, ...

I'll just say it took a lot of garden hosing.  About the smell?  No comment.  Or was the smell just Pepe?  Or a combination of old man slime shit and unkempt foreign hooved animal?  Even so, I'm glad regularity has returned to Desipio's Favorite Celebrity.

[berserker]

what about the Richard Simmons, where you lose 5 pounds by the time you're done?

[Bad Kermit]

what about the Richard Simmons, where you lose 5 pounds by the time you're done?

I thought that was the one where your asshole feels like you wiped with sandpaper.

[Dave B]

Gotta love the Mudslide!

[RD]

Here they have the term Croc Slide, which is when you sit facing the tank so you leave a big smear on the front of the bowl that the incoming water doesn't wash off. 

[JD]

I thought Aussies ALWAYS sat facing the tank on account of how the water spins the opposite direction.

[Wheezer]

"Gnossos stared down again.  As he did, a small eddying current in the water lolled it over on its side.  It was astonishingly well formed, here and there a minuscule design.  Cuneiform of the bowels.  Secret cellular knowledge etched by the insides, trying to tell us something." --Richard Farina

[Chuck]

My two faves are floaters and sinkers.

How's that colonoscopy going, Karry?

[Timmy B]

How about Number 1.5, when you're trying to take a Number 2, but it comes out like a Number 1?

[Tonker]

What?  Did someone say "poo"?  Ah, now we're talking!  We Brits are obsessed with poo, as evidenced by this lot - fetched off the intermernet in a matter of moments.  If you boys haven't yet discovered the delights of "Roger's Profanisaurus", you should go and buy yourselves a copy.

Pace Car n. Of paying a sit down visit. The slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up bastards behind it to put their foot down.

Air Biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. As in "Has somebody launched an air biscuit?"

Air Buffet n. A lingering gaseous meal, more substantial than an air biscuit, to which one may make several visits.

Badger Loose euph. An R.A.F. issue air biscuit. "'I say, Ginger' cautioned Biggles. 'I think number two engine is on fire.' 'No, that's me,' confessed Algie. 'I've just let a badger loose.'" (from 'Biggles Folllows Through' by Capt. W.E. Johns).

Bomb Bay Mix n. A single lavatorial sitting that produces a pot-pourri of stool consistency from copper bolts to a rusty water geyser and all points in between. Shitterish allsorts, variety cack.

Dead Otter n. A single stool of immense proportions.

Dreadnought n. Even bigger than a dead otter.

Bottom log n. A scuttled dreadnought that hits the sea bed whilst still exiting the windward passage.

Build a Log Cabin euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: 'I wouldn't go in there mate.  Someone's just built a log cabin"

Bunker Buster n. 1. An exceedingly large turd that feels like it, if dropped from a great height, could break through 20 metres of re-inforced concrete. 2. American bomb used to root out turds.

Cable Laying euph. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying.

[Tonker]

And some more :

Casting Churchill's reflection v. A political impression involving a porcelain bowl with water in the bottom, your arse and a bum cigar.

Coilus Interruptus n. Cath. Lat. Method employed by God to prevent the birth of Meatloaf's daughter whereby the Jehovah's Witnesses ring the doorbell just as you are laying the foundations of a log cabin.

Draw an Ace v. On wiping one's arse thoroughly, to eventually have an unsoiled piece of paper which indicates the wiping is over.

Drop the Kids off at the Pool v.  "I can't even think about breakfast until I've had a cigarette and dropped the kids off at the pool."  Depending on what was eaten the night before, the kids may be noisy, unruly and possibly even Mexican.

Food's Ghost n. An invisible, eerie presence, accompanied by a low humming sound and the stench of death.

Ghost Shit n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.

Gronk n. R.A.F. To have a shit. "'Bandits at three O'clock,' ejaculated Algie. 'Great!' replied Biggles. 'I've got half an hour to have a big smelly gronk!'" (from 'Biggles Drops his Fudge' by Capt. W.E. Johns).

Turtle's Head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish; the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building of a log cabin.

Turtle's Breath n. The very final warning fart before the turtle pokes its head out to autograph the gusset.

Touching Cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head when the stool establishes contact with the undergarments. As in: "Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth".  Also known as "The first two inches are cold."

Mr. Brown is at The Window euph. To have the turtle's head. First used by Queen Victoria. "Pray forgive us, Mr. Gladstone, but we cannot receive you at the moment. Mr. Brown is at the window, and we fear we may papper our trollies."

Manjack n.  A jobbie of such prodigious length and firmness that once it's reached bottom it starts to lift the perpetrator off his seat.

Pap Baffle n. The scrunched up piece of bog roll placed in the pan which makes the person in the next cubicle genuinely believe that your shit doesn't make a 'plop' when it hits the water.