Poop Chat with Karry Ling

[Tonker]

Oh, and yay for the return of the Stool update.

All we need now is some pictures of Pepe at the World Cup (I assume he IS covering it) and I'll be in Desipiheaven.

[JD]

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

[williams]

This truly is the only site you'll ever need.

[Huey]

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

"When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer."

[berserker]

vini vidi vici, y'all.

[Timmy B]

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

The world is your oyster, sir.

[SD]

We Brits are obsessed with poo

Does this mean I'm not in the e-dog house for my "Briton" slip?  I do hand-wring over this sort of thing.  Allow me to resume sleeping at night, kind sir.  By the way, a few friends of mine are looking to hop on over to Amsterdam for a trip, and might drag my moran ass along.  Can I pick your brain in that regard?  I would like to extract some information. 

And I would just like to add:

Upper Decker:  A dumping left in the upper tank of a toilet fixture.  Best done at local establishments, or at parties hosted by some blockhead you've never heard of.  Never do it to your own throne.

I made the mistake of telling a group of deviants this.  Des Moines' sewer system will never be the same.  Now, of course, I have told another group of deviants.  Carry on!

[JD]

We Brits are obsessed with poo

Does this mean I'm not in the e-dog house for my "Briton" slip?  I do hand-wring over this sort of thing.  Allow me to resume sleeping at night, kind sir.  By the way, a few friends of mine are looking to hop on over to Amsterdam for a trip, and might drag my moran ass along.  Can I pick your brain in that regard?  I would like to extract some information. 

And I would just like to add:

Upper Decker:  A dumping left in the upper tank of a toilet fixture.  Best done at local establishments, or at parties hosted by some blockhead you've never heard of.  Never do it to your own throne.

I made the mistake of telling a group of deviants this.  Des Moines' sewer system will never be the same.  Now, of course, I have told another group of deviants.  Carry on!

You must think this is a really stupid group of deviants to add that disclaimer. 

[Huey]

You must think this is a really stupid group of deviants to add that disclaimer. 

Well seeing as how 80% of the conversation the past two days has been about things going in and out of arseholes, he could be forgiven.  Maybe stupid's not the right word, but we're definitely reaching some sophomoric lows.  Even for us.

[SD]

We Brits are obsessed with poo

Does this mean I'm not in the e-dog house for my "Briton" slip?  I do hand-wring over this sort of thing.  Allow me to resume sleeping at night, kind sir.  By the way, a few friends of mine are looking to hop on over to Amsterdam for a trip, and might drag my moran ass along.  Can I pick your brain in that regard?  I would like to extract some information. 

And I would just like to add:

Upper Decker:  A dumping left in the upper tank of a toilet fixture.  Best done at local establishments, or at parties hosted by some blockhead you've never heard of.  Never do it to your own throne.

I made the mistake of telling a group of deviants this.  Des Moines' sewer system will never be the same.  Now, of course, I have told another group of deviants.  Carry on!

You must think this is a really stupid group of deviants to add that disclaimer. 

I notice we have a lot of Guests that read at each and every hour.  Even at the wee hours, there's still a healthy stream of 5 or so Guests that are readin' the Desippy.  I've even seen some print out topics, which scares me.

I just didn't want someone to read it, think to themself "hot dog, I gotta try this 'un out!", and race to the nearest facility to give it a whirl.  The nearest facility, of course, would be the poor bloke's own.  Err on the side of caution, I say.  Cause if you were to err in this situation, you (or your tank, more precisely) would be in deep shit.

[InternetApex]

I know a guy who goes about 6-3, 250 named Kev. He's a funny bastard and good to have at parties as he can drink like most mortal men under the table and still find time to get out the guitar and make up derogatory songs about you. Anyway that's Kev.

But the reason why he's on this thread is because of a story he relayed to us a few weeks back concerning his pooping exploits. Big guy like that, who drinks a lot can obviously shit some real screamers and such.

OK, so Kevin started dating his wife about two years ago and when they first started hitting it off she was staying in a small studio apartment with just one bathroom. And Kev, he of the rotton asshole and massive log stacking abilities was terrified of dropping a deuce so as to peal the paint off walls and derail their romance as it was just starting to get rolling. He'd take trips to the gas station under the auspices of "getting cigarettes" making sure to run out at the approriate times. It was working for awhile too.

But the two love birds went on a long weekend trip to some odd place and stayed in a motel room and Kev again got scared and held his shit for a full day or two. Then came a long car ride back home and he couldn't even bring himself to let the farts slip out surrounding the brown glacier forming in his bowels so the compression was getting to his stomach you can imagine.

And he finally made it back to her house, he said, and after touching cloth for several hours and having the gas pushing the mammoth thing to the forefront he couldn't wait anymore. He couldn't go to the gas station either because he knew he'd never make it without sharting. It was go time. So Kevin sat down and gave birth to a five pound alien with wings, claws and razor-sharp fangs. The smell, he said would knock a fly off a shit wagon but the more pressing issue was whether his still-born bundle of misery would make it down the hatch with a mere flush of the overmatched john.

He didn't even bother with TP at this juncture. No more need to gum up the system any worse. So he pulled the handle and tensely watched the evil bastard swirl around in the bowl like a floating duck from Henry Burris. And no dice. The thing was lodged hopelessy in the bottom hole. He didn't dare flush again because an overflow of this toxic brownish water would be even further insult. But worse than all that was the lack of a plunger in this woman's bathroom. A small, dainty sort, she probably never stopped up the toilet or considered it likely to happen. So what was our hero to do? He tried hard not to panic but he heard a knock on the door. Her: "Kevin, is everything ok in there?"

"Uh, sure babe. I'm just fine. No problem."

Out of desperation, Kevin  searched for a weapon to subdue the beast. He found only the plastic brush that his sweetie used to clean this mortally choking basin. Kevin grabbed the brush and plunged the bristled end deep into the valley of death. He stabbed, he jabbed, he twisted, he stuffed. But the job was too big and the muck he'd shoved downward into the pipes had only gotten lodged deeper than before. And still worse, the brush was stuck down into the hole. In a panicked rush, Kevin yanked the brush back toward him and in doing so brought a third of his bileous antagonist flying right into his face. He said he had it on his nose, his lips, his eyelids, in his HAIR! But at least that final thrust had broken up the giant turd so that it  released the water from the bowl and could be broken further and then sunk completely at last.

His relief was still a long time hence. his shirt was ruined, his face needed a prodigious scrubbing and his hair... this dude needed a shower. He hopped in and took the brush with him so that he could somehow rinse out its shit-caked bristles. No luck, the stain was going to set permanently. Kevin said he got out of the shower, put his shirt and the brush in the trash, removed the bag, tied it and ran out of the apartment to the dumpster to dispose of the evidence.

Luckily he had just returned from vacation and did have a change of clothes. The funniest part about this story, besides the crazed look in his eyes when he expressed the real fear gripping him throughout the entire episode was the fact that his wife was standing next to him when he told it, laughing as hard as any one of us. Ahhhh, true love.  

[SD]

Apex Climbs In Polls, Receives First Place Votes In Desipio AP Poll.

I know I've ran my intestines raw more than a few times in the company of lady-friends, special ladies, in hopes of disposing of it elsewhere.  Still, no matter how many times I'd have to run the sink full blast to drown out the sounds of the machine-gun action, I'll never have a hope in the world of repeating what we just saw here.  I'm laughing so hard I may -- ... be right back.

[Huey]

Very well told story.  Nicely written and all.

Apex=A+.

[Timmy B]

Apex officially wins at life, the universe and everything.

[Bad Kermit]

So Kevin sat down and gave birth to a five pound alien with wings, claws and razor-sharp fangs.

Awesome.  Awesome to the max.