The only site I'll ever need...

[Bort]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

Terrible band needed for sham of a wedding. 11/6. No pay As the musician in our family, my Shylock of a half-brother and his parsimonious fiance have passed off to me the job of finding a band for their wedding. I love the kid, but his unique brand of expectant coercion and astonishingly consistent lack of judgment have left me with no recourse but to literally give him what he wants, a band that can "tear up Skynyrd, and won't cost nothin'". Since they think music is spontaneously generated via voodoo magic by assemblies of self-promoting philanthropists, I am now on a quest to find the best working band in Chicago interested in "doing it for the exposure".

If you are a serious musician that values your craft and earns a living from performance, you're probably thinking "Fuck you. Do you ask your accountant to do your taxes for the exposure?". You are not who I am looking for. Thanks for looking.

If however, you and your unemployable band of pothead hobbyists are enticed by the prospect of a free open bar stocked with the finest of suburban banquet hall well-liquor and an opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon, please contact me. There's probably dinner in it for you too, if the starched vagina of a "wedding planner" (bride's bff) can get her 3rd rung caterer to leave a few sandwiches in a storage closet for you at some point in the evening.

What I need from the band:

I don't care if you are an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry, but I need you to be able to train wreck your way through a few requests.

Don't Stop Believing. You provide the high notes, we'll provide the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Free Bird. Go nuts with the solo. Really. If this evening was a never-ending cascade of sonic punishment hailing down on Tom at blaringly inconsiderate volumes, it would only serve as apropos karmic revenge for the afternoons I've spent listening to Jillian chatter about OHMYGODIDON'TCAREWHAT.

Macarena/Electric Slide/Chicken Dance. It doesn't matter which one you play, but there has never been a classy party where one these songs has made an appearance. This will not be a classy party.

Do Not Play:

Jessie's Girl. I used to play weddings, and if I have to hear this song one more time, I'm going to fucking cut someone.

They said they don't have any preference's for attire, so I'll take that to mean you're ok in a threadbare Megadeth shirt and black jeans.

I will provide the PA (the band and sound system are my wedding present to them).

This is not a joke. Please shoot me an email if this sounds like something you might be interested in.

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

[Oleg]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

Terrible band needed for sham of a wedding. 11/6. No pay As the musician in our family, my Shylock of a half-brother and his parsimonious fiance have passed off to me the job of finding a band for their wedding. I love the kid, but his unique brand of expectant coercion and astonishingly consistent lack of judgment have left me with no recourse but to literally give him what he wants, a band that can "tear up Skynyrd, and won't cost nothin'". Since they think music is spontaneously generated via voodoo magic by assemblies of self-promoting philanthropists, I am now on a quest to find the best working band in Chicago interested in "doing it for the exposure".

If you are a serious musician that values your craft and earns a living from performance, you're probably thinking "Fuck you. Do you ask your accountant to do your taxes for the exposure?". You are not who I am looking for. Thanks for looking.

If however, you and your unemployable band of pothead hobbyists are enticed by the prospect of a free open bar stocked with the finest of suburban banquet hall well-liquor and an opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon, please contact me. There's probably dinner in it for you too, if the starched vagina of a "wedding planner" (bride's bff) can get her 3rd rung caterer to leave a few sandwiches in a storage closet for you at some point in the evening.

What I need from the band:

I don't care if you are an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry, but I need you to be able to train wreck your way through a few requests.

Don't Stop Believing. You provide the high notes, we'll provide the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Free Bird. Go nuts with the solo. Really. If this evening was a never-ending cascade of sonic punishment hailing down on Tom at blaringly inconsiderate volumes, it would only serve as apropos karmic revenge for the afternoons I've spent listening to Jillian chatter about OHMYGODIDON'TCAREWHAT.

Macarena/Electric Slide/Chicken Dance. It doesn't matter which one you play, but there has never been a classy party where one these songs has made an appearance. This will not be a classy party.

Do Not Play:

Jessie's Girl. I used to play weddings, and if I have to hear this song one more time, I'm going to fucking cut someone.

They said they don't have any preference's for attire, so I'll take that to mean you're ok in a threadbare Megadeth shirt and black jeans.

I will provide the PA (the band and sound system are my wedding present to them).

This is not a joke. Please shoot me an email if this sounds like something you might be interested in.

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

[morpheus]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

[Yeti]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

[Bort]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

[Yeti]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

[Wheezer]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

I can lend you my banjo.

[Yeti]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

I can lend you my banjo.

A banjo in this band was a foregone conclusion. Thanks. Now we won't have to find one.

[Indolent Reader]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

My neighbor in the trailer next door has a washboard y'all can borrow.



...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

I can lend you my banjo.

A banjo in this band was a foregone conclusion. Thanks. Now we won't have to find one.

[Tonker]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

Definitely.  He's dreamy.

[Slaky]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

Definitely.  He's dreamy fat.

Doc'd.

[Wheezer]

This seemed like the right thread for this.

...

They had Yeti at "opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon" and Bort at "an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry."

To be fair, they had TDubbs at that point, too.

And to be fair, they probably had Slak and Simmer on the other one, too.

To be fair, I think you have yourselves a band.

Yeti, TDubbs, Bort, Slak, and Simmer?  Wow...

How long until we break up?

If we make it through one rehearsal...

Well, who does what? I mean, I know for damn sure that I won't be the lead singer as I'm nowhere near eye candy.. Slak for that?

I can lend you my banjo.

A banjo in this band was a foregone conclusion. Thanks. Now we won't have to find one.

There's a maraca as well, but the siren whistles are gone, as is the Jew's harp.

[Saul Goodman]

The only site is dead. Long live the only site!

[CBStew]

The only site is dead. Long live the only site!

I was hoping that Andy took it down so that he could change that crying baby image.

[Wheezer]

Do you think my having Luce Irigaray in the Dead Pool merits a footnote in this Critical Inquiry cover letter?