Greg Maddux, the Puppet Master

[PTanner]

One time, Greg Maddux tricked me into giving access to my bank account to a prince from Ghana.  That asshole left me high and dry.

I'm still waiting for the Viagra I ordered from Maddux.

[TDubbs]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

[DwightKurtz]

One time, Greg Maddux tricked me into giving access to my bank account to a prince from Ghana.  That asshole left me high and dry.

I'm still waiting for the Viagra I ordered from Maddux.

In 2004, Maddux tricked me into voting for Bush.

[DwightKurtz]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

[PTanner]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you have a girlfriend.

[TDubbs]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

[morpheus]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

[Thrillho]

Oh, D!

[EG]

Oh, D!

Ohhhhh Deeee!!!

[TDubbs]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

From Canada, no less.  I met her in Niagara Falls.

That picture is doctored.  Nobody would dare wear a watch like that on their beltloop.  Well, at least nobody that would dare to put their arm around a "girl".

[RV]

From Canada, no less.  I met her in Niagara Falls.

You and your gal must be strong swimmers.

[Thrillho]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

From Canada, no less.  I met her in Niagara Falls. She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.

Brian Johnson'd

Ever laid anyone around here, Romeo?

[DwightKurtz]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

From Canada, no less.  I met her in Niagara Falls. She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.

Brian Johnson'd

Ever laid anyone around here, Romeo?

That's kinda what I was going for.  And by "kinda," I mean "exactly."

[Thrillho]

Long-time lurker, first time poster.  This fits here, sort of.

Back in '88 I stayed after a game at the player's lot.  Ended up seeing Maddux.  I had nothing for him to sign (my pre-planning skills were incomplete at 14), so I asked him what a pitcher should do; he'd been doing pretty good and I figured I could learn instead of get an autograph.  He said this:

"Kid, all you need to do is to make the balls look like strikes and the strikes look like balls.  Work fast, get ahead and change speeds, and it doesn't really matter how fast you throw.  Keep 'em off balance and you'll win most of the time.  If you're not having fun then don't play."

Is it hard to type when you're that full of shit?

A number of years ago I went to my first Cubs game, and I got to see Maddux warm up in the bullpen before the first pitch.  I was pissed at my dad because he'd left to go get some nachos and cheese, so he missed it.  Anyway, after he finished warming up and my dad got back, he walked close to me and I yelled "Hey Maddux, what do I need to do to become a major league pitcher?"

I swear to God this is true... he looked up at me and gave me this wry smile and he said "Kid, all you gotta do is ..." and then he winced and let out this tremendous fart.  "Whoa!  Sorry about that, kid.  Hey, you gonna eat those nachos?" 

Then he took my nachos and left.  Consequently, I always thought that nachos had something to do with being a good pitcher.  I got fat, but I never pitched in the majors.

But you claim to have a girlfriend.

From Canada, no less.  I met her in Niagara Falls. She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.

Brian Johnson'd

Ever laid anyone around here, Romeo?

That's kinda what I was going for.  And by "kinda," I mean "exactly."

Speak up man'd

No, really... That is pretty funny.

[PTanner]

Hey, is that an Ivan DeJesus button on her purse?