Commissioner Gordon has seen the future, and it is DOOM

[*In a Nutsack]

Why didn't he just say,  "Because they are the Cubs?" and go back to lurking at Deadspin where he got his 101 reasons?  The article was a revelation.  The Cubs have problems.  What team doesn't?

Most teams in the NL wish they had the Cubs' problems.

[Poon]

What's more fun that being a Cubs fan?  Getting to read about how crappy the Cubs really are every season.  The only thing that will ever stop these articles are winning a world series and/or the entire team dropping their pants and crapping out a golden egg before every game.

[Thrillho]

5. Not enough left-handed pitching (the Will Ohman Curse).

Ohman is currently cursing the Braves' ailing bullpen, thank you very much.

7. Rich Hill might not be in the rotation the rest of the year.

8. Jason Marquis might.

I'll grant you this.

21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

Sorry, Gordo, but these three only count for one. (Translation: "Why is Soriano batting leadoff?!?!?!?" Once more, with feeling, I guess.)

More specifically... #21: Yeah, Fukudome at leadoff could work. #22 & #23: Bullshit.

26. Soriano: not enough.

I think the word you're looking for is "awful." As in: "awful, awful."

28. The Cubs have a rookie behind the plate.

29. They don't have an every-day center fielder.

30. The shortstop hasn't been a big-league starter for a full season and struggled last year in September.

I think what you're trying to say is, "Has any team won with question marks up the middle?"

31. Is converted closer Ryan Dempster a legitimate No. 2 starter who can hold up at this level all season and through October?

32. If he's not, the Cubs don't have a front-line No. 2 playoff starter.

This, too, only counts as one.

34. Can Geovany Soto keep it up all year?

35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

Sorry... Repeats of #28 and #29.

46. Depth.

Not sure what you mean here.

47. Carlos Lee.

48. Jason Bay.

49. Chase Utley.

...

52. Chipper Jones.

Yes. There are some great players in the league who aren't on the Cubs. Sometimes I bleed Cubbie blue so hard I forget this.

50-51. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan.

Oh, so you're just jerking our chain now, huh?

53. Through Wednesday, the Cubs had played almost two-thirds of their schedule against teams with losing records, going 26-11.

54. That leaves 12-11 against the good teams, with lots of those games left.

Repeat.

I guess we can't really judge the Cubs' chances until they've played the Marlins and the Giants, who boast Pythagorean win-loss records of 32-32 and 29-36, respectively.

66. One of the best four starting pitchers is a rookie.

The rookie's not the worst pitcher in the rotation = DOOM?

And isn't this covered under #8 above?

69. Black cats and Johan Santana.

The Cubs no longer share a division with the Mets. Ya heard?

84. '84.

You really are Chuck, aren't you?

86. They have a losing record against Washington.

In three games.

92. Mathematically, they're in the biggest division in the majors...

93. ...and the larger league.

Repeat.

94. Albert Pujols.

Dead.

96. Pursuit of naming-rights deal for rings could delay title plans by a year.

Hilarious?

100. The 2007 Mets and Tom ''Crushed'' Glavine.

How'd that work out last night?

[butthead]

Not my best offering, but here goes anyway:

From: T.J. Brown
Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 12:54 PM
To: 'gwittenmyer@suntimes.com'
Subject: Confused with your column

Dear Gordon,

I was just curious what role the following people will play in the next 101 games.  Since you believe these people are reasons the Cubs will not go to the World Series next year, I'm anxiously waiting for your reply, so I can do other things this summer and not worry about baseball.

Still, I don't see how the following players will be able to affect any Cubs games:

Bucky Dent
Gene Mauch
Members of the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals (baseball)
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk staff circa April 2007
Herman Franks
Mike Krukow
Bruce Sutter
Dave Kingman
Bill Buckner
Barry Foote
Sports Illustrated and Time Warner
Gary Matthews
Bobby Dernier
Keith Moreland
Leon Durham
Jim Frey
Rick Sutcliffe
Ron Cey
Scott Sanderson
Sad Sam Jones
Rafael Palmeiro
Vance Law
Andre Dawson
Shawon Dunston
Whitey Herzog
Sammy Sosa
Frank Chance
Joe Tinker
Orval Overall
Fred Mitchell (the ex-Cubs manager, not the Trib writer or the Eagles WR)
Hippo Vaughn
Hack Wilson
Kiki Cuyler
Joe McCarthy
Rogers Hornsby
Mark Koenig
Charlie Root
Charlie Grimm
Andy Pafko
Gabby Hartnett
Dizzy Dean
Billy Herman
Billy Jurges
Peanuts Lowery
Philip K. Wrigley
Ray Fontenot
Steve Engel
Johnny Abrego
Reggie Patterson
Derek Botelho
Lary Sorenson
George Frazier
Don Zimmer
Mike Harkey
Shaun Boskie
Lance Dickson
Gary Gaetti
Rick Aguilera
Jim Riggleman
Henry Rodriguez
Mickey Morandini
Rod Beck
Nomar Garciaparra
LaTroy Hawkins
Mark Prior
Matt Clement
Sammy Sosa
Roger Clemens
Alex Gonzalez
The feline species
Any past or current employee of Hewitt, Inc.
Rondell White
Don Baylor
Jason Bere
Jeff Fassero
Kevin Tapani
Tom Gordon
Eric Young
Ricky Gutierrez
Ron Coomer
Fred McGriff

If you can detail how any of them will cause the current team's fortunes to change, or how any of the aforementioned person's previous performances or decisions will affect any of the Cubs next 101 games plus postseason games, I'd be much obliged.

Thank you.

Best,

T.J. Brown

Well Durham is the hitting coach for the Toledo Mudhens. It's possible that the Tigers win the Al Central and then win the pennant, but due to injuries have to win the pennant after calling up Mike Hessman, the Mudhens all time home run leader and carer minor leaguer. And maybe Hessman kills the Cubs in the World Series, using advice he got from his triple-A hitting coach, Leon Durham.

The rest of the list is a mystery to me.

[JakeD]

I'm just happy to read a column that meets Telandar's high expectations.

[The Paul Popovich Experience]

The Cubs beat writers in Chicago really are self-loathing zeroes, aren't they? Someone pull Royko from the grave so he can kick the shit out of these morans.

[Kerm]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

[Slaky+]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

That's all I needed to hear.

[*In a Nutsack]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

[Kerm]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

1.  Put it on the front porch of the FEMA trailer next door to you.
2.  Ring the doorbell.
3.  Run.
4.  ???
5.  Profit.

[*In a Nutsack]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

1.  Put it on the front porch of the FEMA trailer next door to you.
2.  Ring the doorbell.
3.  Run.
4.  ???
5.  Profit.

Genius!

[Lance Dicksons Arm]

This piece is so Mike Downey.  I mean Downey probably would've stopped at like #12...but still. 

[powen01]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

It would probably look nice splattered across someone's chest.  Or back.  Or whatever.  Two chicks, one desipio'd style. 

[Andy]

I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

[thehawk]

After that, Gordo will only be recognizable through dental records.