Burgers

[J. Walter Weatherman]

The best burger I've ever had in Chicago? Well, there's this little local joint called The White Castle. They have these miniature burgers served on rolls, which they call "Sliders." Now that's a real Chicago classic. 3 of those and a hot dog with extra ketchup and I feel like local Chicago personality Jim Belushi felt when filming the classic comedy Curly Sue: satisfied with a job well done.

Okay.  I laughed.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU STICK-POKING MONSTER*?

*Which I call STICKPOKEASAURUSBLOR.

And it's time to snatch your Simpsons references from his neon claws'd

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

The best burger I've ever had in Chicago? Well, there's this little local joint called The White Castle. They have these miniature burgers served on rolls, which they call "Sliders." Now that's a real Chicago classic. 3 of those and a hot dog with extra ketchup and I feel like local Chicago personality Jim Belushi felt when filming the classic comedy Curly Sue: satisfied with a job well done.

Okay.  I laughed.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU STICK-POKING MONSTER*?

*Which I call STICKPOKEASAURUSBLOR.

And it's time to snatch your Simpsons references from his neon claws'd

It wasn't a Simpsons reference.  It was a Simpsons allusion, which means I was free from the constraints of being so literal, you pedantic vagina face.

[Bort]

Okay.  I laughed.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU ASSHURT MONSTER*?

*Which I call BILLY AND THE ASSHURTASAURUS.

[Quality Start Machine]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

[BH]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

[morpheus]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

[BH]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

Let me try again.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

[Bort]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

Let me try again.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Intrepid Reader PenFoe In Hyde Park: Well, Pittsburgh has this great place...

[PenPho]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

Let me try again.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Intrepid Reader PenFoe In Hyde Park: Well, Pittsburgh has this great place...

I stick to Primanti Bros in Pittsburgh, but I'm sure Gil or CFiHP would have a burger suggestion.

[Saul Goodman]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

Let me try again.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Intrepid Reader PenFoe In Hyde Park: Well, Pittsburgh has this great place...

I stick to Primanti Bros in Pittsburgh, but I'm sure Gil or CFiHP would have a burger suggestion.

Detroit then.  Where was the best place until it closed because the Twins won?

[PenPho]

There's the Choo-Choo Burger in Des Plaines. Your food comes to your booth on a Lionel train.

Pretty neat for young boys or your average Kurt.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Island Burger was one of my favorite places to get a burger.  I like the Napalm Burger.

Let me try again.

When you were in new york, where did you like to grab a burger?

Intrepid Reader PenFoe In Hyde Park: Well, Pittsburgh has this great place...

I stick to Primanti Bros in Pittsburgh, but I'm sure Gil or CFiHP would have a burger suggestion.

Detroit then.  Where was the best place until it closed because the Twins won?

They're all great, because they were made by hard working Americans.

The kind of people upon whose backs this country was built Ford Tough^TM.

[Slaky]

A list.

Epic Burger should be nowhere near that list. What should be on that list is J. Wellington's. I urge you all to go there if you can find a minute.

Appreciate the recommendation.

Yeah, I was gonna say that list sucks.  Anyone who knows anything about Chicago knows that the Billy Goat burger, compared to all of the choices in Chicago, sucks a real billy goat's left nut.  If you're visiting Chicago, then yeah check out the Billy Goat on Hubbard under the Michigan Avenue bridge, have a beer and a burger, but bear in mind you're doing it for the ambience and the kitsch--not for a particularly special burger.  The various Billy Goats are actually good places to hit up for an omelette and hash brown breakfast but their burger should be nowhere near anyone's top burger list for Chicago.  Also, Five Guys--while outstanding--is a chain that's based in Pennsylvania.  In the same vein, I guess Portillo's can stay.  Even though it's a chain, it's a local chain, although if your not getting a beef or beef/sausage combo, you're a dope.  In fairness, though, I've never had Portillo's burger.  

M Burger--isn't that also a chain?

I've been to the Grafton several times, never knew their burger was so special but it least it's an original Chicago place.  What's not on the list but should be is the Hop Haus.  There's one at Clark and Howard in Rogers Park and one on Franklin and Grand in River North.  That's one of the best burgers I've ever had.

Point is, that list is only half-way accurate.  Thanks, Oleg.  Thanks a lot for another useless HuffPo link.

The PANK helmet is so Huey doesn't hurt himself stepping off his soapbox.

I'm digging this up from over TWO PAGES AGO to defend our PANK.

Huey is right. Oleg, stop spamming the Food with HuffPo garbage. Five Guys is fantastic but it doesn't belong on a list of best burgers in Chicago. Best fast food burgers in America? Sure.

And the point here is GO TO J WELLINGTONS AND GET THE J WELLINGTON BURGER.

[Oleg]

A list.

Epic Burger should be nowhere near that list. What should be on that list is J. Wellington's. I urge you all to go there if you can find a minute.

Appreciate the recommendation.

Yeah, I was gonna say that list sucks.  Anyone who knows anything about Chicago knows that the Billy Goat burger, compared to all of the choices in Chicago, sucks a real billy goat's left nut.  If you're visiting Chicago, then yeah check out the Billy Goat on Hubbard under the Michigan Avenue bridge, have a beer and a burger, but bear in mind you're doing it for the ambience and the kitsch--not for a particularly special burger.  The various Billy Goats are actually good places to hit up for an omelette and hash brown breakfast but their burger should be nowhere near anyone's top burger list for Chicago.  Also, Five Guys--while outstanding--is a chain that's based in Pennsylvania.  In the same vein, I guess Portillo's can stay.  Even though it's a chain, it's a local chain, although if your not getting a beef or beef/sausage combo, you're a dope.  In fairness, though, I've never had Portillo's burger.  

M Burger--isn't that also a chain?

I've been to the Grafton several times, never knew their burger was so special but it least it's an original Chicago place.  What's not on the list but should be is the Hop Haus.  There's one at Clark and Howard in Rogers Park and one on Franklin and Grand in River North.  That's one of the best burgers I've ever had.

Point is, that list is only half-way accurate.  Thanks, Oleg.  Thanks a lot for another useless HuffPo link.

The PANK helmet is so Huey doesn't hurt himself stepping off his soapbox.

I'm digging this up from over TWO PAGES AGO to defend our PANK.

Huey is right. Oleg, stop spamming the Food with HuffPo garbage. Five Guys is fantastic but it doesn't belong on a list of best burgers in Chicago. Best fast food burgers in America? Sure.

And the point here is GO TO J WELLINGTONS AND GET THE J WELLINGTON BURGER.

Look, the point was to start a discussion and laugh.  Personally, I've only had a few of the burgers on the list, so I didn't quite feel qualified to pass judgement.

Also, a better burger than The Grafton is found only about two blocks south at Jury's.

I will agree that Billy Goat is most certainly meh and I am pretty sure I will never have a Portillo's burger as long as the Italian beef is on their menu.

[Wheezer]

Look, the point was to start a discussion and laugh.

The only good that could come from this whole affair would be getting Yeti to detour onto the Bishop Ford and hit That's-a-Burger heading north on Stony.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

Also, a better burger than The Grafton is found only about two blocks south at Jury's.

False. Jury's is a sad, sad affair.