BananaHands Was Next on His List

[Jon]

If this face-eating chimp isn't 2009's story of the year, I'll eat Tdubbs' hat.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/chimpanzee.attack/index.html

Nash had just arrived at Herold's house when Travis jumped on her and began biting and mauling her, causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands, according to Stamford Police Capt. Rich Conklin. Conklin said the attack was unprovoked, but he described it as "brutal and lengthy."

The chimp, who was known to walk around town, sometimes without a leash, also liked to surf on the Internet and was able to change the TV channel with a remote, according to a Stamford Advocate article. The paper also reported that Travis watered plants, was able to feed hay to his owner's horses, ate at a table with the rest of the family and sometimes drank wine from a stemmed glass.

I think I'm most anxious to find out how this story fits in with Yeti's theory of evolution.

Man that Tony Larussa has a temper.


You'd never have that happen if we all had robots for pets.  1st rule and all that.

Robots and senior citizens don't mix very well either.

Old Glory Insurance, for when the robots come...and they will.

I don't even know why the scientists make them.

Classic.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/2340/saturday-night-live-old-glory

An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I'm too old.

I love how you can see Waterston start to laugh towards the end, but somehow manages to keep it in.

Has that dude ever not been old?

Dude, give some respect for the man who brokered the Pax Cybertronia.

[RV]

The sordid details of this BC-esque romance continue to trickle out.

They took baths together and cuddled in the bed they shared. Travis brushed Sandra Herold's hair each night and pined for her when she was away.

Police say they have no record of complaints, aside from a 2003 incident in which Travis escaped from a vehicle and led police on a two-hour downtown chase before he was caught.

[PenFoe]

The sordid details of this BC-esque romance continue to trickle out.

They took baths together and cuddled in the bed they shared. Travis brushed Sandra Herold's hair each night and pined for her when she was away. One time, Travis accidentally grazed her ass, and then fled the room in shame.

Police say they have no record of complaints, aside from a 2003 incident in which Travis escaped from a vehicle and led police on a two-hour downtown chase before he was caught.

Really BC'd

[powen01]

The sordid details of this BC-esque romance continue to trickle out.

They took baths together and cuddled in the bed they shared. Travis brushed Sandra Herold's hair each night and pined for her when she was away. One time, Travis accidentally grazed her ass, and then fled the room in shame.

Police say they have no record of complaints, aside from a 2003 incident in which Travis escaped from a vehicle and led police on a two-hour downtown chase before he was caught.

Really BC'd

Now that Travis is dead, this moves BC up the list of candidates for the WGN job. 

[Tank]

Police say they have no record of complaints, aside from a 2003 incident in which Travis escaped from a vehicle and led police on a two-hour downtown chase before he was caught.

I'm dying here.

[Quality Start Machine]

It keeps getting better.

[MAD]

It keeps getting better.

What do yo uthink the world fucking stops when you're on vacation?

[Quality Start Machine]

It keeps getting better.

What do yo uthink the world fucking stops when you're on vacation?

Forgiv emefo rmissin goned amnthread.

[Tank]

Oh, shit...

http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2009/03/chimps-are-weaponizing

Seriously, folks, get your shotguns. Chimpanzees, which are like humans but way more willing to rip out your throat, reportedly have the ability to create and stockpile weapons. It's only a matter of time until Dr. Zaius rules us all.

And there I worried that humanity's demise would come at the hands of self-aware cyborg armies.

Apparently we should have listened to Charlton Heston and Irish Yeti.

Full story here...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/09/AR2009030901458.html

Santino evidently knows he's going to get upset, so he plans ahead.

The 30-year-old chimpanzee, who has lived in a Swedish zoo most of his life, sometimes gets agitated when zoo visitors begin to gather on the other side of the moat that surrounds his enclosure, where he is the dominant -- and only -- male in a group that includes half a dozen females.

He shows his displeasure by flinging stones or bits of concrete at the human intruders, but finding a suitable weapon on the spur of the moment perhaps isn't so easy. To prepare, Santino often begins his day by roaming the enclosure, finding stones and stacking them in handy piles.

On some days, he's barraged visitors with up to 20 projectiles thrown in rapid succession, always underhand. Several times he has hit spectators standing 30 feet away across the water-filled moat.

...

The animal's preparations include not only stockpiling the stones he finds but also, more recently, also fashioning projectiles from pieces of concrete he has broken off artificial rocks in his habitat.

...

On some days, zookeepers have found as many as five caches, containing three to eight stones each, along the shore facing the viewing area. Once, a hidden observer saw him gather stones five mornings in a row before the zoo opened.

Most of the stones are taken from the shallows at the edge of the moat. About a year after his storing and throwing began, however, Santino began tapping stones against the concrete artificial rocks, evidently listening for a hollow sound that indicates a fissure. He would then hit the concrete harder until a piece chipped off, occasionally then hitting it again to make it fist-size.

In other news, scientists remain mystified at the origin and purpose of a large black monolith that recently appeared near the Baltic coast of Sweden.

[Waco Kid]

I hate every ape I see, from chipan-A to chimpan-Z

[Gil Gunderson]

I hate every ape I see, from chipan-A to chimpan-Z

Yes, you've finally made a monkey...OUT OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Dr. Zaius.

[Tank]

Travis had bitch tits...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29735924/?GT1=43001



What an uggo.

Also:

Nash, 55, lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the 12-minute mauling. Many bones in her face were crushed, and the attack may also have left her blind and brain damaged. She is in critical condition at the Cleveland Clinic, which in December performed the first face transplant in the United States. Doctors haven't said if Nash will be a candidate for such a procedure.

Another of Nash's attorneys said she can respond to some verbal commands, but the extent of possible brain damage is still unknown. "Going forward, there's going to be astronomical expenses associated with the procedures she's going to require," attorney William Monaco said.

By state law, Nash's lawsuit seeks only an amount greater than $15,000. But Nash's attorneys are also seeking an account of Herold's assets — including six pieces of property she owns and her stake in a Stamford used car dealership — in hopes of securing $50 million for possible damages, according to court papers. Attorneys say it's unknown if Herold has that much in assets.

...

April Truitt, who runs the Primate Rescue Center in Kentucky, has said she warned Herold of the dangers of keeping the animal in her home. She said she pleaded with Herold to consider placing the chimp in a sanctuary, but Herold was not interested, saying: "You don't know my Travis."

When he was younger, Travis starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, made an appearance on the "Maury Povich Show" and took part in a television pilot.

[CT III]

YOU DON'T KNOW MY TRAVIS AT ALL!  [stompstompstompstompstomp] [slam]

[RV]

If you thought the Travis attack was awful...this is just disgusting. The lesson: stay the fuck away from chimps.

The animal barreled into LaDonna's back, knocking her into St. James. She wrapped her arms around her husband's neck, but the chimpanzee locked his jaws around the thumb of her left hand. With a single, ferocious jerk of his neck, he tore it off.

As St. James confronted the chimp, the six-two former running back turned to find a second chimp — also a male, this one older and bigger — bearing down on him as well. With both hands, he pushed the bigger animal. Both chimps pounced. One of the animals grabbed him in a bear hug before chomping into the bone above his right eyebrow. He then stuck his finger in St. James's right eye, gouging it out. The same animal clamped his teeth onto St. James's nose, biting it off, as the other chimp chewed away at St. James's fingers. In the melee, one of the chimps dug in his claws and ripped the skin off the right side of St. James's face, causing it to flop over and cover his left eye, temporarily blinding him. One of the primates sunk his teeth into St. James's skull. He then closed his jaws on St. James's mouth, ripping off his lips and most of his teeth. St. James tried to put one of his hands down the animal's throat, but the chimp just kept chewing on it and chewing on it, and he couldn't get it out.

St. James fell to the ground, no longer able to defend himself, and for at least five minutes, the mauling continued as he lay helpless. One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals.

Despite the ferocity of the attack, when the paramedics arrived, St. James was still conscious. His face and body, however, were mutilated beyond recognition. Where his mouth, lips, and nose had been there was only a bloody hole. Where his right eye had been there was a pit. Where his fingers had been he had only stumps or simply gaps. "I had no idea a chimpanzee was capable of doing that to a human," Kern County fire captain Curt Merrell, who was among the first on the scene, told the Los Angeles Times. "It looked like a grizzly-bear attack."

[Tank]

Marge: You've got to get him out of there.
Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society.
Bart: They're going to kill him?
Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin.



Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!