Score some fucking runs thread

[Internet Apex]

DPD, but maybe we should trade for the ghost of Jason Marquis?  Phildo thinks he's swell and worthy of consideration on the All-City Useless Team.

Let's set up a three-way deal netting our CUBBIEZ the talented Jason Marquis and the omgsooooversatile Mark DeRosa.  Get it done, Jim!

I seriously hope DeRosa gets buttcancer of the mouth and dies.

[Shooter]

Lou is moving Fontenot up to second, and dropping Theriot and Fukudome down, or something like that. That should fix it. I PREDICT (say it like you mean it one more time for Murph) that they score 10 runs today on the homestand.

Hopeful'd.

[Brownie]

Kap lost his mind during the first few minutes of SportsCentral. It nearly entered the territory of that Detroit talker who lost his mind talking about Michigan State blowing a big lead to Notre Dame a couple of years ago ("Pucker, Pucker...")...  Anyway, compared to Kap, today, here's what an Ivy Chat entry reads like:

Alfonso Soriano is a great baseball player, a great hitter, and a credit to the game. I love him. I shall never write anything bad about him.

So Kap is focusing all of his energy on Soriano, who is awful since April.  I agree with that. Kap then suggested Lou bench Soriano until Monday (if that short a time) and called for Jake Fox to be the new left fielder.

He then called out "Bad Kermit, whoever you are with the goofy nickname sending me e-mails everyday, who today said that Soriano had a good arm...." Kaplan reported to Kermit that the fourth anniversary is leather Soriano is a poor left fielder, because he is bad out there.  That's when I did what Kap could only dream of doing: I called the man of the goofy nickname and reported that Kaplan was ranting on Kermit. At this point, I had to lower my radio even more to hear Kermit because KAPLAN WAS SHOUTING!! (at this point, no doubt blaming Kermit and Jim Essian for the team's offensive woes).  After that, I was home, so I parked my car in the garage and went inside to talk to my wife, who had much better baseball insight than David Kaplan. She's also better looking, more interesting, would never ask Andy for his phone number, and cooks a decent meal.

Did anyone else hear Kaplan?

[Slaky]

Kap lost his mind during the first few minutes of SportsCentral. It nearly entered the territory of that Detroit talker who lost his mind talking about Michigan State blowing a big lead to Notre Dame a couple of years ago ("Pucker, Pucker...")...  Anyway, compared to Kap, today, here's what an Ivy Chat entry reads like:

Alfonso Soriano is a great baseball player, a great hitter, and a credit to the game. I love him. I shall never write anything bad about him.

So Kap is focusing all of his energy on Soriano, who is awful since April.  I agree with that. Kap then suggested Lou bench Soriano until Monday (if that short a time) and called for Jake Fox to be the new left fielder.

He then called out "Bad Kermit, whoever you are with the goofy nickname sending me e-mails everyday, who today said that Soriano had a good arm...." Kaplan reported to Kermit that the fourth anniversary is leather Soriano is a poor left fielder, because he is bad out there.  That's when I did what Kap could only dream of doing: I called the man of the goofy nickname and reported that Kaplan was ranting on Kermit. At this point, I had to lower my radio even more to hear Kermit because KAPLAN WAS SHOUTING!! (at this point, no doubt blaming Kermit and Jim Essian for the team's offensive woes).  After that, I was home, so I parked my car in the garage and went inside to talk to my wife, who had much better baseball insight than David Kaplan. She's also better looking, more interesting, would never ask Andy for his phone number, and cooks a decent meal.

Did anyone else hear Kaplan?

This fringe community is really making waves lately.

[CT III]

Kap lost his mind during the first few minutes of SportsCentral. It nearly entered the territory of that Detroit talker who lost his mind talking about Michigan State blowing a big lead to Notre Dame a couple of years ago ("Pucker, Pucker...")...  Anyway, compared to Kap, today, here's what an Ivy Chat entry reads like:

Alfonso Soriano is a great baseball player, a great hitter, and a credit to the game. I love him. I shall never write anything bad about him.

So Kap is focusing all of his energy on Soriano, who is awful since April.  I agree with that. Kap then suggested Lou bench Soriano until Monday (if that short a time) and called for Jake Fox to be the new left fielder.

He then called out "Bad Kermit, whoever you are with the goofy nickname sending me e-mails everyday, who today said that Soriano had a good arm...." Kaplan reported to Kermit that the fourth anniversary is leather Soriano is a poor left fielder, because he is bad out there.  That's when I did what Kap could only dream of doing: I called the man of the goofy nickname and reported that Kaplan was ranting on Kermit. At this point, I had to lower my radio even more to hear Kermit because KAPLAN WAS SHOUTING!! (at this point, no doubt blaming Kermit and Jim Essian for the team's offensive woes).  After that, I was home, so I parked my car in the garage and went inside to talk to my wife, who had much better baseball insight than David Kaplan. She's also better looking, more interesting, would never ask Andy for his phone number, and cooks a decent meal.

Did anyone else hear Kaplan?

Sadly, this is by far the best thing I've read all day.

[butthead]

I no longer care if this makes me sound like Lonestar.

This team fucking blows.

Just because Lonestar overreacts to every loss doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to bitch when it is warranted. This team is playing like shit and I can't wait for Cutler season.

[Quality Start Machine]

BC has a better chance of scoring each day than the Cubs do. That fucking sucks.

[Andy]

After that, I was home, so I parked my car in the garage and went inside to talk to my wife, who had much better baseball insight than David Kaplan. She's also better looking, more interesting, would never ask Andy for his phone number, and cooks a decent meal.

Too late.

By the way, TJ's description finally pointed something out to me.  Because of the way Chicago Now has their blogs set up, the writers get an e-mail every time we comment.  So Kaplan thinks that we're directly e-mailing him.  The man is a fucking idiot.

[Brownie]

I was wondering who she playfully calls "Desip" on the phone when I come home and she nervously says "Gottagobye." Yes, I married Jimmy Greenfield.

[Brownie]

Since I'm enjoying this thread more when it focuses on David Hernandez and Webio, let's talk about another one of Andy's friends: Tom Shaer. He got hosed by Hernandez in the '90s, and he still considers Mike North a "friend." So when his friend says "I'm about to sink my old hot dog fortune into this business venture with Hernandez," Shaer decides it's best to keep his mouth shut.

North is angry at Shaer, but again, if Shaer met Hernandez through North, did business with Hernandez and then saw Hernandez go to jail, why wouldn't North have noticed?

Finally, Cortez Trotter was hired by Hernandez to do some management consulting for the webio in April.

[butthead]

The real tragedy in the webio debacle is that we will never get to hear Ray Mancini's opinion on the Von Joshua era.

[Waco Kid]

I'm truly enjoying this Webio saga.

[RV]

So Mike North was partying with Hernandez as far back as 1996.

Hernandez goes to jail in 1998.

North still decides to do business with the guy in 2009. So North's whole "How could I have known?!" shtick is bullshit.

If North somehow ends up getting charged with something and going to trial, this could provide months of entertainment.

[Kermit, B.]

Zambrano could kick the shit out of Aaron Miles tomorrow, and I know which side of the fence all of you's will be on.

But he won't.

How anyone can be upset with the pitching is beyond me. It's been fantastic. Better than we could have hoped. Pitching ain't the problem.

It's definitely not the problem, but doesn't it seem like Dempster is starting to get Jason Marquis disease, where he gives up JUST enough runs to help the team lose?  Or is that my Dempsterhate being rekindled?

If zero earned runs is going to be JUST enough for him to get the win, there are much bigger problems than Dempster doing his Jason Marquis shtick then Dempster is absolutely nothing like Jason Marquis.

You suck.

Happy'd?

Considering that's not what I said, no, not really.

[Chuck to Chuck]

'Mr. Hernandez (was) a "Score groupie." He would hang out at remotes and frequently called in to the station, identifying himself as "Banker Dave."'

Maybe I can sue the guy for defamation of character?  He's gonna but all of those in my profession in a bad light.