Twins SPLOOGEFEST

[CT III]

I could care less about baseball anymore, particularly the AL, and I know that you're a Twins fan, BK...but considering what's going on in Detroit and the way the Tigers have been towards the community this year (there was an excellent article in SI last week), I gotta say that I'm definitely rooting for the Tigers here.

So suck it, Minnesota.

Good point.  The Twins are such dicks for doing charity in their own city, which isn't a big shithole like Detroit.

I'm glad to see you've continued your Ripken-esque streak of missing the point.

Oh, what was the point?  Was it hidden somewhere in the Shoutbox?  I didn't root for the Yankees during the 2001 World Series.  I'm sure as shit not rooting for the Tigers this year.

The SBox died sometime around the All-Star break...it just hasn't been officially announced yet.

Oh, good.  So I can shut it down, then?

As long as you're willing to provide a new home for TDubbs, IAN and Yeti.

It's only being kept alive by a steady diet of TDubbs' and Irish Yeti's racism and overcompensating homophobia/fauxmoeroticism.

I still make my token two appearances a week, as required by my contract.

Face it, the Shoutbox is dying because my characters and I are on a work-sanctioned hiatus.  Without me, you're left with nothing but boring real people.  I am the straw that stirs the Shoutbox.

Also, I'm rooting against Detroit because I'm sick of "Can This Sports Team Save Detroit" stories.  Michigan State, the Red Wings, now the Tigers.  I'm sure it must brighten the occaisional day in Detroit to see their team on top of the standings, but shit, is a championship for any of these teams going to do that much?  Detroit's been dying since the late 1970s and in that time championships by the Tigers, Red Wings and Pistons have done nothing to stem the tide, nor keep that city from becoming a punchline.  If a collective town could pawn it's championships, Detroit would make like Len Dykstra in a heartbeat.

That said, fuck the Twins too.  They'll overtake the Tigers and Joe Morgan can rapsodize about small ball for a bit, and then they can lose in the ALDS to a team with a real payroll like always.

[SKO]

The Twins have given the world Andy MacPhail, Jacque Jones, and AJ Pierzysnki. They can go fuck themselves.

[Quality Start Machine]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

[Kermit, B.]

I could care less about baseball anymore, particularly the AL, and I know that you're a Twins fan, BK...but considering what's going on in Detroit and the way the Tigers have been towards the community this year (there was an excellent article in SI last week), I gotta say that I'm definitely rooting for the Tigers here.

So suck it, Minnesota.

Good point.  The Twins are such dicks for doing charity in their own city, which isn't a big shithole like Detroit.

I'm glad to see you've continued your Ripken-esque streak of missing the point.

Oh, what was the point? 

That he respects the charity work the Tigers have done.

That's what I thought.  I didn't miss it.

While Eli is correct, the point was beyond the charity work...it was how Ilitch has upped the payroll even as the economy has declined, how he kept GM's name on the fountain in the outfield even after they couldn't afford to pay for it anymore, how they have more $5 seats, more $5 food, more $5 parking lots...all kinds of things that the Tigers have done for their fans and the city of Detroit this year as it battles with 29% unemployment.  

I don't know what the Twins have done, I'm sure they've done charitable work just like everyone else...the point was that the Tigers have a better excuse than anyone to say fuck it, underachieve, alienate the fans...and they've done the exact opposite.  It's just a nice story, and it's a good reason to root for them.

Plus, I really like Kid Rock.

I'm not saying you shouldn't root for the Twins by any means, my only point was that, as an outsider, the Tigers have done a real nice job up there (and yes, I know they have the 5th highest payroll in baseball, basically double the Twins).

So suck it, Minnesota.

Oh, I know.  And I totally agree with you.  It's awesome what they're doing up there.  But, seriously, fuck them.

[Kermit, B.]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

[Quality Start Machine]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

[*In a Nutsack]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

Especially on a fromunda shot like that.

[Jon]

It's awesome what they're doing up there.  But, seriously, fuck them.

If any two sentences sum up my views on almost everything in life....

[CT III]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

I like stories.

[Kermit, B.]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

[TDubbs]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

Your wiener?

[Quality Start Machine]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

As a catcher/first baseman for a lot of my baseball life, I can say it's not always possible.

When you're a shitty fielder like Mickey Hatcher, even less so.

[*In a Nutsack]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

As a catcher/first baseman for a lot of my baseball life, I can say it's not always possible.

When you're a shitty fielder like Mickey Hatcher, even less so.

Being a catcher/firstbaseman for most of my baseball life, I have to agree with Fork.

[BH]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

As a catcher/first baseman for a lot of my baseball life, I can say it's not always possible.

When you're a shitty fielder like Mickey Hatcher, even less so.

Did the coach mind that you wore pleated jeans?

[TDubbs]

May 4, 1984, the Oakland A's Dave Kingman hit a ball that disappeared through a drainage hole in the Teflon roof. The ball never came down, and Kingman was given a ground-rule double. The next day, the Twins devised a plan in which, before Kingman's first at-bat, a ball would drop from the roof so that Twins first baseman Mickey Hatcher could make the catch. As Kingman stepped into the batter's box, the ball knuckled its way down, bounced and hit Hatcher in the groin, sending him to the turf. "Kingman looked at me and said, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Hatcher, now the LA Angels batting coach.

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but why the hell wasn't Hatcher wearing a cup?

Point of story: Nut shots are always funny.

Re: Hatcher and the cup: Ever been hit in the cup by a baseball travelling at a decent speed? It'll still make you puke, just won't turn your nuts to puree.

No, whenever I see a ball traveling at a decent speed toward my testicles, I use a different part of my body to stop it.

As a catcher/first baseman for a lot of my baseball life, I can say it's not always possible.

When you're a shitty fielder like Mickey Hatcher, even less so.

Did the coach mind that you wore pleated jeans?

Have Mickey Hatcher's balls also never dropped back down?