I admit it...

[SKO]

I didn't get it from my parents, but when my mom ranks the top 5 times her kids did something that left her mortified, she tells this story:

My brother's kindergarten teacher was a very large woman. We went to pick my brother up from school one day and I was maybe 4 at the time, and I poked her several times until she turned around and when she did so I said "did you know your butt sticks out like a window air conditioner?"

Which I guess is a line had learned while watching The Critic, so that and The Simpsons were banned until I had learned discretion.

[flannj]

I didn't get it from my parents, but when my mom ranks the top 5 times her kids did something that left her mortified, she tells this story:

My brother's kindergarten teacher was a very large woman. We went to pick my brother up from school one day and I was maybe 4 at the time, and I poked her several times until she turned around and when she did so I said "did you know your butt sticks out like a window air conditioner?"

Which I guess is a line had learned while watching The Critic, so that and The Simpsons were banned until I had learned discretion.

So still banned?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

I bought one of those "Try not to suck" t-shirts.

The money went to charity.

Which turned out to be an INCREDIBLY bad idea, because I won't wear the shirt in front of my kids, so it basically just sits in my drawer.  

Not well thought out, PenFoe.  

Still went to charity, I guess.

I'm still new at the dad thing, but why can't you wear it in front of the kids? Is "suck" a bad word? Maybe I'm just a bad dad.

Because once your kid realizes that's a word that might make you or other adults even slightly uncomfortable they will repeat it ad nauseam until they find a word that is worse.

My nephew has a habit of saying goddammit...

Stub your toe? He says "Goddammit, Seano, Goddammit"

As a young father a Saturday afternoon came up when I was left in charge of my two eldest while mrs. flannj was out for a well deserved afternoon with girlfriends.
After getting them fed, laundry done, all the household list taken care of and the younger one down for a nap I proceeded to grab a beer and relax in front of the TV and I put on a video of "Goodfellas" for another watching while the older son played with his Tonkas and Legos next to me.

Mrs. flannj returned later that afternoon to her previously adorable son walking around the house experimenting with the new word he had learned that day.

Let me assure you that having your wife arrive home with her 3 year old son proclaiming "fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck" for an entire evening will test even the best of marriages.

A couple years ago ago I saw Rain Man was on Netflix and I thought it might be a good idea to watch it with my 7-or-8 year old daughter.  My wife is an OT and works with autistic children and when she was working in the city they had daycare at her clinic and so my daughter grew up with some cognizance of kids with special needs.  Plus she has a severely autistic 15 year old cousin and in any event I thought a viewing of Rain Man might further developing her understanding and empathy and that though it was rated R, it was rated R in 1988 and perhaps it was just rated R because it was otherwise a complex issue.

I knew early on that I might've been wrong when Tom Cruise's Charlie Babbit was throwing around some salty language while trying to sell his high-end cars, but things really came crashing down around the iconic "toothpick" scene, wherein Raymond starting getting really anxious in the breakfast restaurant and Charlie--still somewhat unfamiliar with his brother and his condition and not sure how to handle it-- at one point grabbed Raymond's ear, pulled him toward him and said, "Stop acting like a fucking retard" to which my then 7-or-8 year old daughter spun around, wide-eyed, and without even thinking about what she was saying, blurted "He just said fucking retard!"

That was the end of that experiment.

[Quality Start Machine]

A dear friend of mine got a call from his then 10-year-old son's school, because he had apparently called a girl a "lesbian humpin' ho".

He told his wife, "you've gotta take this one", he couldn't stop laughing about it.

Now what kid is an adult, and he will never live that moment down. That is what you all have to look forward to.

[Canadouche]

My son was language delayed, although it looks like he's caught up now. He's saying all kinds of words, like "clock," which he pronounces without the "l," and sock, truck, and various other words that he sometimes pronounces like "fuck."

As a teacher, this year's highlight was when a grade 4 Filipino boy loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dildo!" I asked him what that word means, and he said that he didn't know, but had heard it from his dad. I told him to go home and ask someone what it means, and that he probably shouldn't call himself or anyone else a name if he doesn't know what it means.

[Shooter]

My son was language delayed, although it looks like he's caught up now. He's saying all kinds of words, like "clock," which he pronounces without the "l," and sock, truck, and various other words that he sometimes pronounces like "fuck."

As a teacher, this year's highlight was when a grade 4 Filipino boy loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dildo!" I asked him what that word means, and he said that he didn't know, but had heard it from his dad. I told him to go home and ask someone what it means, and that he probably shouldn't call himself or anyone else a name if he doesn't know what it means.

If he had called you a dildo, I would have assumed he knew what it meant.

[flannj]

My son was language delayed, although it looks like he's caught up now. He's saying all kinds of words, like "clock," which he pronounces without the "l," and sock, truck, and various other words that he sometimes pronounces like "fuck."

As a teacher, this year's highlight was when a grade 4 Filipino boy loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dildo!" I asked him what that word means, and he said that he didn't know, but had heard it from his dad. I told him to go home and ask someone what it means, and that he probably shouldn't call himself or anyone else a name if he doesn't know what it means.

If he had called you a dildo, I would have assumed he knew what it meant.

And this is why we come here.

[Canadouche]

My son was language delayed, although it looks like he's caught up now. He's saying all kinds of words, like "clock," which he pronounces without the "l," and sock, truck, and various other words that he sometimes pronounces like "fuck."

As a teacher, this year's highlight was when a grade 4 Filipino boy loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dildo!" I asked him what that word means, and he said that he didn't know, but had heard it from his dad. I told him to go home and ask someone what it means, and that he probably shouldn't call himself or anyone else a name if he doesn't know what it means.

If he had called you a dildo, I would have assumed he knew what it meant.

And this is why we come here.

For the dildos?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

My son was language delayed, although it looks like he's caught up now. He's saying all kinds of words, like "clock," which he pronounces without the "l," and sock, truck, and various other words that he sometimes pronounces like "fuck."

As a teacher, this year's highlight was when a grade 4 Filipino boy loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dildo!" I asked him what that word means, and he said that he didn't know, but had heard it from his dad. I told him to go home and ask someone what it means, and that he probably shouldn't call himself or anyone else a name if he doesn't know what it means.

If he had called you a dildo, I would have assumed he knew what it meant.

And this is why we come here.

For the dildos?

We're all a bunch of dildos of course but that was a truly great serve by Shooter.

*tips cat*

[SKO]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

[Slaky]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

It was an awful game. I turned off the TV before I saw the asshole round second base and went straight to bed.

[Eli]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

It was an awful game. I turned off the TV before I saw the asshole round second base and went straight to bed.

Since MLB.tv lags anywhere from 10-8,000 seconds behind real-time events, I saw what happened on Twitter and was able to turn off the TV before Warren threw the pitch. So that was nice.

[Slaky]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

It was an awful game. I turned off the TV before I saw the asshole round second base and went straight to bed.

Since MLB.tv lags anywhere from 10-8,000 seconds behind real-time events, I saw what happened on Twitter and was able to turn off the TV before Warren threw the pitch. So that was nice.

When I'm streaming the game, my Score app will flash a Final Score notification while the last batter is still hitting. I need to remember to turn it off but I keep forgetting. Modern life is a bitch.

[ChuckD]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

It was an awful game. I turned off the TV before I saw the asshole round second base and went straight to bed.

Since MLB.tv lags anywhere from 10-8,000 seconds behind real-time events, I saw what happened on Twitter and was able to turn off the TV before Warren threw the pitch. So that was nice.

When I'm streaming the game, my Score app will flash a Final Score notification while the last batter is still hitting. I need to remember to turn it off but I keep forgetting. Modern life is a bitch.

Well, since we're in the I admit it thread...

Not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I've noticed this season that MLB will typically send notifications of score changes about 10-15 seconds before it happens on MLB.TV. I stream about 90% of the games I watch, so I've sort of gotten used to occasionally sneaking a peak when watching games to see what's going to happen.

Went to my first game of the season in San Francisco on Saturday. Sat 150 feet from home plate ... watching the game live ... and still caught myself checking my phone a couple times to see if Lester would pitch out of the jam, Rizzo would knock in some runs, etc.

Spoiler alert: they didn't.

[Canadouche]

...In a fit of rage last night I nearly bumped the "Gutless Fucking Assholes" thread, but no. Not for this team. Never for this team.

It was an awful game. I turned off the TV before I saw the asshole round second base and went straight to bed.

Since MLB.tv lags anywhere from 10-8,000 seconds behind real-time events, I saw what happened on Twitter and was able to turn off the TV before Warren threw the pitch. So that was nice.

When I'm streaming the game, my Score app will flash a Final Score notification while the last batter is still hitting. I need to remember to turn it off but I keep forgetting. Modern life is a bitch.

Similarly, my phone/Apple Watch notifications tend to beat MLB.TV, particularly when I'm watching on Apple TV. I use Do Not Disturb during games.