How you crappin'?

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

BTW, Slak... I bet you didn't flush, did you?

[Oleg]

BTW, Slak... I bet you didn't flush, did you?

Well, that reminds of another story.

I walk into one of the stalls at work.  I look down and notice that the previous shitter had not flushed.  In the toilet was decent size log.

Here's the thing...there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bowl.  How the fuck?

I have never before, and never since, actually looked at another human piece of shit for as long -- it must have been a good 3-4 second stare.  I was completely flabbergasted.  Just one, maybe 4-5" shit rod.  Nothing all that extraordinary.  I'm sure a flush could have taken it down.

But not one piece of toilet paper, not a scrap, nothing.

[Wheezer]

Here's the thing...there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bowl.  How the fuck?

Ultrasonic technology may have progressed further than previously thought.

[Gilgamesh]

Slak, that was an amazing story.  I say, bravo sir.

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

Here's the thing...there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bowl.  How the fuck?

You walked in after JD?

[Yeti]

Here's the thing...there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bowl.  How the fuck?

You walked in after JD?

The next question in this exchange should be: "JD, exactly, *HOW* did you wipe it?"

[Oleg]

Here's the thing...there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bowl.  How the fuck?

You walked in after JD?

That's the thing...even JD had to wipe once to check (IIRC he even wiped a second time just to be sure).  I mean, you have to wipe once, at least.

[Powdered Toast Man]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bravo, sir.  I just printed out your story and I'll laminate it and stick it to my fridge at home.

[Internet Apex]

Maybe they used one of those anti-bacterial wipes and knowing that those aren't supposed to flush, simply folded it up in a newspaper and trashed it. And turning around to realize the fine work they'd done, they left that for you to admire and ponder. For the rest of your life.

[Quality Start Machine]

I have never before, and never since, actually looked at another human piece of shit for as long

I looked at Aaron Miles once for 10 seconds straight.

[SKO]

I have never before, and never since, actually looked at another human piece of shit for as long

I looked at Aaron Miles once for 10 seconds straight.

Ha! Ha! It's funny because you're saying Aaron Miles is like fecal matter. Are you saying, perhaps, that it takes his mother 9 months to take a shit?

[Slaky]

Maybe they used one of those anti-bacterial wipes and knowing that those aren't supposed to flush, simply folded it up in a newspaper and trashed it. And turning around to realize the fine work they'd done, they left that for you to admire and ponder. For the rest of your life.

That would make it awesome - however knowing where Oleg works, I've seen the same thing and the direct opposite thing too many times to know that your scenario is impossible.

For example, how many times have I walked into a stall only to instinctively recoil in horror at the aftermath of the murder of an entire roll of toilet paper. It sure stinks like someone dooked in there but I'll be damned if I can see anything. It's just paper layered upon paper.

So tell me Desipio - how does this happen? Who wipes their ass with an entire forest and just leaves it there? That's not an art. That's a hate crime.

[Waco Kid]

Maybe they used one of those anti-bacterial wipes and knowing that those aren't supposed to flush, simply folded it up in a newspaper and trashed it. And turning around to realize the fine work they'd done, they left that for you to admire and ponder. For the rest of your life.

That would make it awesome - however knowing where Oleg works, I've seen the same thing and the direct opposite thing too many times to know that your scenario is impossible.

For example, how many times have I walked into a stall only to instinctively recoil in horror at the aftermath of the murder of an entire roll of toilet paper. It sure stinks like someone dooked in there but I'll be damned if I can see anything. It's just paper layered upon paper.

So tell me Desipio - how does this happen? Who wipes their ass with an entire forest and just leaves it there? That's not an art. That's a hate crime.

That is certainly is. If that toilet doesn't have enough strength, that forest along with what's lurking underneath could wind up on the floor chasing you from the bathroom.

[Oleg]

Maybe they used one of those anti-bacterial wipes and knowing that those aren't supposed to flush, simply folded it up in a newspaper and trashed it. And turning around to realize the fine work they'd done, they left that for you to admire and ponder. For the rest of your life.

That would make it awesome - however knowing where Oleg works, I've seen the same thing and the direct opposite thing too many times to know that your scenario is impossible.

For example, how many times have I walked into a stall only to instinctively recoil in horror at the aftermath of the murder of an entire roll of toilet paper. It sure stinks like someone dooked in there but I'll be damned if I can see anything. It's just paper layered upon paper.

So tell me Desipio - how does this happen? Who wipes their ass with an entire forest and just leaves it there? That's not an art. That's a hate crime.

Seriously.  Can't people just reach back and flush once in a while?

Aha!  There's a reason for standing while wiping!

[SKO]

Maybe they used one of those anti-bacterial wipes and knowing that those aren't supposed to flush, simply folded it up in a newspaper and trashed it. And turning around to realize the fine work they'd done, they left that for you to admire and ponder. For the rest of your life.

That would make it awesome - however knowing where Oleg works, I've seen the same thing and the direct opposite thing too many times to know that your scenario is impossible.

For example, how many times have I walked into a stall only to instinctively recoil in horror at the aftermath of the murder of an entire roll of toilet paper. It sure stinks like someone dooked in there but I'll be damned if I can see anything. It's just paper layered upon paper.

So tell me Desipio - how does this happen? Who wipes their ass with an entire forest and just leaves it there? That's not an art. That's a hate crime.

That is certainly is. If that toilet doesn't have enough strength, that forest along with what's lurking underneath could wind up on the floor chasing you from the bathroom.

My freshman year at Bradley I lived in the basement of the oldest residence hall on campus. The bathroom on our floor had four stalls. Starting during second semester, at least one of those toilets clogged every day and flooded the entire bathroom, but the odd thing was that the flood-toilet changed every day, so no one knew how to avoid it. You'd go into a perfectly clean bathroom, take a seat in what had been the safe toilet the day before, and settle in to do your business. Next thing you know the guy in the stall next to you flushes and the entire floor is filled with a murky brown water. I had to throw away three pairs of flip-flops because of that. Even worse was when I'd be in the shower and you'd come out to a lagoon of shit on the floor and have to figure out how to make it back to the door without dropping any of the towel/clothes/shampoo/soap etc. It was hell. The bastard maintenance guy in charge of our floor would never actually try to fix the toilets either. He'd just clean up the mess and put a sign on whichever stall he thought was malfunctioning that day. He was typically wrong.