How you crappin'?

[Tonker]

This thread got so much better thanks to Tonker.

In every way, he's the anti-Kurt. And isn't that the ultimate compliment?

I think that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said about me.  Really.

[Yeti]

This thread got so much better thanks to Tonker.

In every way, he's the anti-Kurt. And isn't that the ultimate compliment?

Are we adding a little not-Irish-Yeti and non-Weebs to this?

Hey dick

[Bort]

This thread got so much better thanks to Tonker.

In every way, he's the anti-Kurt. And isn't that the ultimate compliment?

Are we adding a little not-Irish-Yeti and non-Weebs to this?

Hey dick

I'm just saying...

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

[Slaky]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Deadspin generally sucks worse than getting hit by an AIDS bus, and AJ Daulerio strikes me as a major douchaholic, but anything written by Big Daddy Drew is a must-read. 

[SKO]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Deadspin generally sucks worse than getting hit by an AIDS bus, and AJ Daulerio strikes me as a major douchaholic, but anything written by Big Daddy Drew is a must-read. 

Big Daddy Drew's schtick never gets old. Christmas Ape said over on KSK that places like the Onion should be kicking down the doors to get people like him and Spencer Hall but they sadly don't do it because of the stigma attached to bloggers.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Huey can let you know if it makes the cut.

He spends every Wednesday eagerly awaiting Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Funbag.

24 hours worth of spitting-mad fury later and he's bound to spot it.

[CT III]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Deadspin generally sucks worse than getting hit by an AIDS bus, and AJ Daulerio strikes me as a major douchaholic, but anything written by Big Daddy Drew is a must-read. 

Drew is good, and I highly recommend the "Dead Wrestler of the Week" series by The Masked Man.

But yeah, everything else over there is shit.

[SKO]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Deadspin generally sucks worse than getting hit by an AIDS bus, and AJ Daulerio strikes me as a major douchaholic, but anything written by Big Daddy Drew is a must-read. 

Drew is good, and I highly recommend the "Dead Wrestler of the Week" series by The Masked Man.

But yeah, everything else over there is shit.

Sanctimonious shit. I picture Daulerio like the San Franciscan from South Park, just smelling his own farts all day and basking in it. What a pretentious cockbag. His abuse of the "Deadspin I-Team" in order to ruin people's lives is heavy-handed and reeks of douche.

[Saul Goodman]

So why wasn't that one of the options in your rhetorical question?

I always wipe the seat to be rid of any leftover moisture from the previous occupant.

Wait, why are we talking about this?

Also, once in a while, when I rush into the bathroom and sit down, I get a weird feeling.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, someone walks in who's wearing dress shoes.  Invariably, they make than clanking sound on the tile.  Sometimes, for a split second, I get a weird feeling that I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom.  Anyone else?

I got that feeling once. It was because it was my first day at a new building (200 N Milwaukee) and it just so happened that I got the infamous hot, gurgling feeling that morning. I had to speedwalk to avoid ruining my khakis. The bathrooms were across from each other in an alcove type set up. I took a hard right turn and noticed all of the stalls were empty. Awesome.

I sit down and let 'er rip. This thing had the firepower of 10,000 Patriot missiles and the intensity of a million Ditkas. I think my feet left the ground for a split second. Naturally, as I'm reveling in post-defecatal bliss and mentally celebrating what was surely significant weight loss, I heard the dreaded sound that Oleg mentioned. Clip - clop - clip - clop.

I look down below the stall door. Holy shit.

It's a pair of heels.

Now I remember, in my rush to relieve my burning bowels, that it seemed kind of funny that there weren't any urinals in this particular bathroom.

The time for stealth was nigh. No one had been in the room when I emptied my spine with explosive sound and fury so I knew I wasn't discovered. I lifted my feet off the floor to hide my manly shoes from female eyes.

And I waited.

Finally, the bathroom cleared out. Despite the rather untidy results of my first and only jaunt to the female restroom I knew I wouldn't have any time to wash my hands. I wiped up (sitting, of course) and booked for the door. I peeked out slowly to make sure someone wasn't about to enter and saw I was in the clear. As I said before, the more gender-appropriate bathroom was directly across from the location of my fecal faux-pas.

I made it without a single witness.

Washing my hands I realized I had just done something special.

I took a nasty shit in a lady toilet.

Crown me.

Bump.

In reading my weekly dose of Drew Magary's Thursday Funbag, it occured to me that Slaky needs to submit this for the weekly closing segment--GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY.

Make it happen, Cieslak.  As funny as some of those are, none that I've read have yet to top yours.

OK, I'll do it - but only if someone will remind me that it gets posted. I never check that site. Even though I should.

Deadspin generally sucks worse than getting hit by an AIDS bus, and AJ Daulerio strikes me as a major douchaholic, but anything written by Big Daddy Drew is a must-read. 

Drew is good, and I highly recommend the "Dead Wrestler of the Week" series by The Masked Man.

But yeah, everything else over there is shit.

Sanctimonious shit. I picture Daulerio like the San Franciscan from South Park, just smelling his own farts all day and basking in it. What a pretentious cockbag. His abuse of the "Deadspin I-Team" in order to ruin people's lives is heavy-handed and reeks of douche.

That, that, and that.

[Kermit IV]

Sanctimonious shit. I picture Daulerio like the San Franciscan from South Park, just smelling his own farts all day and basking in it. What a pretentious cockbag. His abuse of the "Deadspin I-Team" in order to ruin people's lives is heavy-handed and reeks of douche.

Wait, speaking of the I-Team, a while ago they were going after the pink-hat, green-shirt guy behind the plate at Wrigley.  I don't know or care what came of that, but I was listening to Kaplan the other night (shut up), and that dude is, apparently, a regular caller to his show.  Should I have already known this?  He's an idiot, in case you're wondering.

PREDICTED PUNCHLINE:  Kap?  Or the pink hat guy?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Sanctimonious shit. I picture Daulerio like the San Franciscan from South Park, just smelling his own farts all day and basking in it. What a pretentious cockbag. His abuse of the "Deadspin I-Team" in order to ruin people's lives is heavy-handed and reeks of douche.

Wait, speaking of the I-Team, a while ago they were going after the pink-hat, green-shirt guy behind the plate at Wrigley.  I don't know or care what came of that, but I was listening to Kaplan the other night (shut up), and that dude is, apparently, a regular caller to his show.  Should I have already known this?  He's an idiot, in case you're wondering.

PREDICTED PUNCHLINE:  Kap?  Or the pink hat guy?

I don't know if you should have known it, but I thought it was pretty common knowledge that the guy is Jim Anixter who, along with his family, attempted to buy the Cubs in 1981 when they were sold to Tribune (he may have also tried buying them again this recent time).

[SKO]

Sanctimonious shit. I picture Daulerio like the San Franciscan from South Park, just smelling his own farts all day and basking in it. What a pretentious cockbag. His abuse of the "Deadspin I-Team" in order to ruin people's lives is heavy-handed and reeks of douche.

Wait, speaking of the I-Team, a while ago they were going after the pink-hat, green-shirt guy behind the plate at Wrigley.  I don't know or care what came of that, but I was listening to Kaplan the other night (shut up), and that dude is, apparently, a regular caller to his show.  Should I have already known this?  He's an idiot, in case you're wondering.

PREDICTED PUNCHLINE:  Kap?  Or the pink hat guy?

I don't know if you should have known it, but I thought it was pretty common knowledge that the guy is Jim Anixter who, along with his family, attempted to buy the Cubs in 1981 when they were sold to Tribune (he may have also tried buying them again this recent time).

Shit, Kerm. How didn't you know THAT? coughcoughFadingStarcoughcough.

[ChuckD]

Did you goddamned dirty sitters stuff the box while this was hidden in the depths of anteneorattoed Desipio? I swear this was split evenly at last check.