Totally Unreadable

[Quality Start Machine]

Wanted that hot Richard Sherman take but with more references to being a fan of the Best Team On Earth?

Look no further!

http://t.co/u7TwL4QbUH

Shortly before the decisive Game 5 of the 2013 National League Championship Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Pirates, I, a Cardinals fan, texted my friend Dom Cosentino, a Pirates fan, the following message: "So, hey, good luck tonight. See you on the other side."

The worst.

Could you imagine receiving that text? What a smug piece of shit.

You don't fucking text that shit to a friend, if he's really your friend.

He gave the proper response.

Dom, then a Deadspin editor and now a Jets beat reporter for NJ.com (he broke that Kellen Winslow story last week), responded thusly: "Go f--- yourself." He even wrote a post about it. Everybody loved it.

I think everyone loved the idea of being able to text Emo Boy and telling him to go fuck himself.

I'm just glad to be able to do so to you.

*texts "go fuck yourself" to Fork*

*replied, "Can't - TBFA"*

[CT III]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

[PenFoe]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Some ogden has obviously never been to Ogden, Utah. 

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

[ChuckD]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

[Bort]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

Well, Chicago has a history of building garbage islands.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

Well, Chicago has a history of building garbage islands.

Exhibit A.

[Bort]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

Well, Chicago has a history of building garbage islands.

Exhibit A.

That's exactly what I was alluding to, but I was on a mobile, and didn't feel like hunting down a link.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

Well, Chicago has a history of building garbage islands.

Exhibit A.

You're welcome.

[CBStew]

Something from Kap, most of it boring but what the fuck is this:

Perhaps Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel can ride in to the rescue and find a suitable location in the city that the Cubs can build a new stadium on. Why not somewhere near the lake to take advantage of the greatest skyline in the United States? Combined with Lake Michigan, it would provide a view that no stadium in America could match.

Where the hell are the Cubs going to build a stadium that's closer to the lakefront than Wrigley is now?  Gary?

http://www.csnchicago.com/cubs/kaplan-will-cubs-business-plan-ever-work

Sounds like a guy who gets pretty easy parking for Bears games at Soldier Field.

JSUT BUILD AN ILSAND OUT OF GARBAGE LIKE THE JAPS DID AND MAKE THE WHOLE FELD OUT OF GRABAGE THEN GET TINAKA BECAUSE JAPS=GRABAGELANDLOVERS

Well, Chicago has a history of building garbage islands.

Exhibit A.

You're welcome.

Born and raised in Chicago and I never knew any of this.  Thank you.

[Shooter]

According to Sports Illustrated, it's Rick Telander.

There's going to be a lot of tedious musings on Peyton Manning's legacy floating around today, but few will offer the sheer brazen trolling of one entitled, "Peyton Manning should have retired ... Saturday." Get out your "hack column about Peyton Manning" checklist — this one's a doozy.

[Brownie]

According to Sports Illustrated, it's Rick Telander.

There's going to be a lot of tedious musings on Peyton Manning's legacy floating around today, but few will offer the sheer brazen trolling of one entitled, "Peyton Manning should have retired ... Saturday." Get out your "hack column about Peyton Manning" checklist — this one's a doozy.

Hmm, I remember having similar sentiments...

CHICAGO — I remember reading Rick Telander's coverage of college and pro football for Sports Illustrated. It seems like almost three decades ago, and — holy Hundred Yard Lie! — it was.

He was young, wandering around the country, churning out great copy and pointing like somebody who had dropped the pages to his term paper.

Nothing really has changed since he was the youngest guy on the Sportswriters on TV in 1985 and senior writer for Sports Illustrated, except that now he gets paid a lot of money to write 600 words instead of 1800.

So when Telander walked out of the auxillary press box at MetLife Stadium Sunday, it was not shocking to see what he filed after watching the biggest game of the year. Telander wrote a column that could have been written by me after consuming several beers and snacks, distracted a bit from the game by a child who was conspiring with the two child residents of the home I was visiting to destroy said home.

Ugly? How about guilt that you would actually cash a paycheck from a newspaper that is bleeding into non-existence if you had a conscience ugly?

Something bad was unfolding here, something like several times before over the past 15 years. Stupid columns happen, but do they happen consistently to Pulitzer Prize-winning writers under the brightest spotlight?


They shouldn't. They can't. Not if you're Telander and you want to have any kind of career highlight after Bill Clinton was sworn in the second time.

Such as, back in college, why didn't you write for the Daily Northwestern? And how come Bill Jauss and Bill Gleason were more beloved on Sportswriters on TV than you? Why weren't you as insightful as them, two aging lions who could have rightfully "phoned it in" but didn't?  Speaking of which, why does your ex-colleague, Jay Mariotti appear on TV more often than you these days?

Now you're had one decent attempt in the last 2,000 or so columns you've filed. Is that like Jim Murray, Bob Verdi or even Dan LeBatard? No, it's only one good column more than David Haugh, Rick Morrissey and Jim Parque.

So opened with a terrible reference to Peyton Manning's age and his recent penchant for shouting the name of the Ricketts' hometown while audibling. No big deal. He could have compounded the mistake by making a lame Ricketts or Warren Buffett or Omaha Steaks joke.

Except that something was wrong with Telander. Not a brain injury, I don't think, just wrong. Something was wrong with the entire Sun-Times. Its high-paid, most famous writer was writing like an unprepared, scatter-brained sophomore penning something for the Lake Forest High School Scout and — dare we say it? — he was confused.

Soon enough, he recapped the scoring in a way only the agate could. Yes, it was 5-0. Then 8-0.

Then Telander, who only had been fully involved in watching six plays, saw Manning throw an interception on his seventh play he wasn't grazing at the media buffet. The Seahawks scored a touchdown off the turnover and led 15-0.

Telander then used a valuable column inch in Chicago's second-biggest paper to recap the highlight that aside from the game-opening safety was seen by approximately 99.9 percent of Americans not on a nuclear submarine.

[Brownie]

continued...

This was beyond weird. It was kind of sad, edging toward pathetic.

''It was a bitter pill to swallow,'' Manning agreed afterward. "At least I don't live in Chicago and would have to see issues of the Sun-Times with this drivel in it blowing around in front of the Ogilvie Transportation Center."

In the days before the Super Bowl, Telander was penning such things as "Manning gets the best of Sherman" praising the quarterback he came back on  Monday to bury. The day after the Super Bowl, he filed a column explaining why the Super Bowl could not be held in Chicago, focusing on the weather on days in which the Super Bowl would not be held (Jan. 6, 2014 and Dec. 24, 1983, which we learned was Telander's birthday).

Of course, Telander can't run around like a young reporter. But shouldn't he offer more than just the obvious? Wall Street Journal columnist Kevin Clark wrote about the schemes the Seahawks used against the Broncos, explaining how they were different than what we've seen all year and why they worked. Even a former sportswriter who left the backroads of Southern Indiana for the big city could put together 300 words commenting on a Facebook post that lent more insight than what Telander managed to produce with a whole week in the Tri-State Area on the Sun-Times' dime.  That's what a 40-year-old with a willingness to think critically can do that a 60-year-old veteran with no inclination to work can't.

Telander is supposed to have the type of brain that produces original, creative thought, but the Sun-Times editors must not demand it from him. He writes one-sentence paragraphs, complains about the way things feel to him without regard for how they actually are, and actually wrote multiple columns on Pop A Shot. One of his worst columns occurred late last NBA season, when he wailed about a sign at the Air Canada Centre that he thought posed a danger to players but was simply designed to appear 3-D to television viewers.

Telander would end up as the best-known and probably highest-paid Sun-Times columnist as Roger Ebert had died a couple weeks earlier, but neither meant anything. It was the low quality of work that lingered. Why would that happen, a Northwestern graduate just going through the motions when he could at least produce good copy?

''For whatever reason, we couldn't get much going after that,'' Manning said. Yes, Manning is talking about the Super Bowl here, and not Rick Telander. But since Telander felt that this helped answer the question about how the bad snap and safety happened even though it referred to every play after the safety, it seemed apropos here.

The whole Sun-Times career, that is.

''Rick Telander doesn't have much of a defense here," Sports Illustrated wrote in its post-column analysis. "The suggestion that Manning should have retired the day before the Super Bowl, as knowingly absurd as it is, doesn't qualify as a tongue-in-cheek statement when it's delivered like this, wrapped in a hacky column about the quarterback's failings.''

Well, the Sun-Times and Sports Illustrated did everything for him, including paying him what might be considered "Fuck You Money" to most full-time journalists.

Sorry, Rick. You could have retired in 1995.

You should have.

[Bort]

*stands on seat, cheering and whooping*

[Saul Goodman]

If you enjoy the kind of obvious, trite observations made by every wannabe comedian forty-something middle manager who attended an insurance convention in San Diego once, this is a veritable buffet. The embarrassingly dull writing and poor punctuation from a media professional is just a bonus. I lived in San Diego for a year but it sounds like Andy's only been paying attention for a couple weeks because every single one of these should be rightly received with "no shit."