Totally Unreadable

[CT III]

http://wrigleyville.locals.baseballprospectus.com/2016/05/16/javy-baez-is-the-skynet-of-prospects/

Ken Schultz is a stand-up comedian and Chicago ex-pat currently living in New York City. He misses Cubs baseball, Gino's East Pizza, and political graft every day.

Tags: Humor, Javier Baez, Jokes, Self Awareness

I need an irony ruling from CT on that last tag.

This wasn't a case of Corey Patterson continuing to swing like a power hitter year after year despite a slugging percentage that made you think "I didn't know Baseball Reference had a comp for Eddie Gaedel."

Even I haven't gone Eddie Gaedel on you guys.

Somewhat hackneyed metaphors notwithstanding, that was not actually totally unreadable.

Those are similes, Mr. Pedant.  And while I made it through the first 2, I couldn't get past the Eddie Gaedel crack. I couldn't finish it so I won't rule on the irony of the situation, but this sure as shit was unreadable.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

http://wrigleyville.locals.baseballprospectus.com/2016/05/16/javy-baez-is-the-skynet-of-prospects/

Ken Schultz is a stand-up comedian and Chicago ex-pat currently living in New York City. He misses Cubs baseball, Gino's East Pizza, and political graft every day.

Tags: Humor, Javier Baez, Jokes, Self Awareness

I need an irony ruling from CT on that last tag.

This wasn't a case of Corey Patterson continuing to swing like a power hitter year after year despite a slugging percentage that made you think "I didn't know Baseball Reference had a comp for Eddie Gaedel."

Even I haven't gone Eddie Gaedel on you guys.

Somewhat hackneyed metaphors notwithstanding, that was not actually totally unreadable.

Those are similes, Mr. Pedant.  And while I made it through the first 2, I couldn't get past the Eddie Gaedel crack. I couldn't finish it so I won't rule on the irony of the situation, but this sure as shit was unreadable.

Why don't you eat, like, a bag of dicks?

A simile is a metaphor, but not all metaphors are similes.

[CT III]

http://wrigleyville.locals.baseballprospectus.com/2016/05/16/javy-baez-is-the-skynet-of-prospects/

Ken Schultz is a stand-up comedian and Chicago ex-pat currently living in New York City. He misses Cubs baseball, Gino's East Pizza, and political graft every day.

Tags: Humor, Javier Baez, Jokes, Self Awareness

I need an irony ruling from CT on that last tag.

This wasn't a case of Corey Patterson continuing to swing like a power hitter year after year despite a slugging percentage that made you think "I didn't know Baseball Reference had a comp for Eddie Gaedel."

Even I haven't gone Eddie Gaedel on you guys.

Somewhat hackneyed metaphors notwithstanding, that was not actually totally unreadable.

Those are similes, Mr. Pedant.  And while I made it through the first 2, I couldn't get past the Eddie Gaedel crack. I couldn't finish it so I won't rule on the irony of the situation, but this sure as shit was unreadable.

Why don't you eat, like, a bag of dicks?

A simile is a metaphor, but not all metaphors are similes.

We get it, you think this guy is the second coming of Dave Barry.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

http://wrigleyville.locals.baseballprospectus.com/2016/05/16/javy-baez-is-the-skynet-of-prospects/

Ken Schultz is a stand-up comedian and Chicago ex-pat currently living in New York City. He misses Cubs baseball, Gino's East Pizza, and political graft every day.

Tags: Humor, Javier Baez, Jokes, Self Awareness

I need an irony ruling from CT on that last tag.

This wasn't a case of Corey Patterson continuing to swing like a power hitter year after year despite a slugging percentage that made you think "I didn't know Baseball Reference had a comp for Eddie Gaedel."

Even I haven't gone Eddie Gaedel on you guys.

Somewhat hackneyed metaphors notwithstanding, that was not actually totally unreadable.

Those are similes, Mr. Pedant.  And while I made it through the first 2, I couldn't get past the Eddie Gaedel crack. I couldn't finish it so I won't rule on the irony of the situation, but this sure as shit was unreadable.

Why don't you eat, like, a bag of dicks?

A simile is a metaphor, but not all metaphors are similes.

We get it, you think this guy is the second coming of Dave Barry.

Who're we taking about now?

[PenFoe]

http://wrigleyville.locals.baseballprospectus.com/2016/05/16/javy-baez-is-the-skynet-of-prospects/

Ken Schultz is a stand-up comedian and Chicago ex-pat currently living in New York City. He misses Cubs baseball, Gino's East Pizza, and political graft every day.

Tags: Humor, Javier Baez, Jokes, Self Awareness

I need an irony ruling from CT on that last tag.

This wasn't a case of Corey Patterson continuing to swing like a power hitter year after year despite a slugging percentage that made you think "I didn't know Baseball Reference had a comp for Eddie Gaedel."

Even I haven't gone Eddie Gaedel on you guys.

Somewhat hackneyed metaphors notwithstanding, that was not actually totally unreadable.

Those are similes, Mr. Pedant.  And while I made it through the first 2, I couldn't get past the Eddie Gaedel crack. I couldn't finish it so I won't rule on the irony of the situation, but this sure as shit was unreadable.

Why don't you eat, like, a bag of dicks?

A simile is a metaphor, but not all metaphors are similes.

We get it, you think this guy is the second coming of Dave Barry.

Who're we taking about now?

Bort's Grandmother.

[Saul Goodman]

Michael Cerami continues the BN tradition of over-explaining literally everything.

For the Cubs, the neighborhood, and the fans' sake (remember: revenue to the Cubs ultimately goes back into the organization), let's hope that doesn't happen.

Yes, but who owns the Cubs?

[Slaky]

Keeping this mostly off Twitter (oops)

But Wendy Thurm, an extremely whiny Giants fan who writes for Sporting News, wrote this: http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/giants-red-sox-world-series-matchup-2016-potential-buster-posey-david-price-bumgarner-ortiz/oc2e2h6wrqmp1vdsvu0g99hms

It's garbage. She's awful. The end.

[SKO]

Keeping this mostly off Twitter (oops)

But Wendy Thurm, an extremely whiny Giants fan who writes for Sporting News, wrote this: http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/giants-red-sox-world-series-matchup-2016-potential-buster-posey-david-price-bumgarner-ortiz/oc2e2h6wrqmp1vdsvu0g99hms

It's garbage. She's awful. The end.

I mean that article is fairly innocuous but yeah the butthurt of "why is everyone talking about the team demonstrably better than us by every measurable statistic when we're the team that has even year stuff on it's side" is obvious.

Last year she tweeted "real nice of MLB to let the Cubs play 19 straight games in Chicago in the middle of a pennant race" after the four game sweep of the Giants, which is just hilarious butthurt on so many levels.

1)MLB clearly thought the Cubs team that had averaged 96 losses a year was going to be in a pennant race in August and wanted to help them out, so they scheduled a series against the White Sox in between two home stands.

2)The Cubs had the best fucking road record in baseball at the time, so their success was hardly attributable to homefield advantage

3)It's baseball, everyone has to play 162 fucking games, there is no such thing as a soft schedule

4) YOU LOST ALL FOUR FUCKING GAMES. ALL FOUR. There is nothing to say about that other than clearly your team was not as good. Any whining just seems like butthurt.

Then she immediately played the "all these Cubs fans ranting about my incredibly stupid, whiny, butthurt tweet are misogynists" card.

[Saul Goodman]

Keeping this mostly off Twitter (oops)

But Wendy Thurm, an extremely whiny Giants fan who writes for Sporting News, wrote this: http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/giants-red-sox-world-series-matchup-2016-potential-buster-posey-david-price-bumgarner-ortiz/oc2e2h6wrqmp1vdsvu0g99hms

It's garbage. She's awful. The end.

Looking forward to her next article, "Why Isn't Everyone Talking About My Team Yet?"

[CBStew]

Keeping this mostly off Twitter (oops)

But Wendy Thurm, an extremely whiny Giants fan who writes for Sporting News, wrote this: http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/giants-red-sox-world-series-matchup-2016-potential-buster-posey-david-price-bumgarner-ortiz/oc2e2h6wrqmp1vdsvu0g99hms

It's garbage. She's awful. The end.

Looking forward to her next article, "Why Isn't Everyone Talking About My Team Yet?"

I love her paragraph explaining how relief pitcher "Lopez did his job" in the top of the seventh by allowing the tying run to score. 

[Slaky]

Keeping this mostly off Twitter (oops)

But Wendy Thurm, an extremely whiny Giants fan who writes for Sporting News, wrote this: http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/giants-red-sox-world-series-matchup-2016-potential-buster-posey-david-price-bumgarner-ortiz/oc2e2h6wrqmp1vdsvu0g99hms

It's garbage. She's awful. The end.

Looking forward to her next article, "Why Isn't Everyone Talking About My Team Yet?"

I love her paragraph explaining how relief pitcher "Lopez did his job" in the top of the seventh by allowing the tying run to score. 

She also managed to fit hacky baseball prose like "around the horn" and "behind the dish" in this piece.

[SKO]

Jesse Rogers is fucking obsessed with Chris Coghlan.

[Yeti]

Jesse Rogers is fucking obsessed with Chris Coghlan.

He /iswas obsessed with TLS, too.. So, marginal white players? Makes sense

[Slaky]

Anything Craig Calcaterra writes or says

[Saul Goodman]

Phil Rogers, visionary inventor of the +/- offseason success analysis algorithm and somehow still being paid to write about baseball, is at it again:

I'm sure the formulas are more complicated than this, but the simplified version goes like this:

Rondon + Chapman + Pedro Strop > Rondon + Strop + Travis Wood.

Or maybe like this:

Rondon + Chapman + Miller > Davis + Herrera + Madson (and pretty much every other bullpen in baseball history).