Pick Your Poison

[Brownie]

OK, time for Game 2, and it's a peach of a pitching matchup: 37-year-old Kevin Tapani vs. pitching prospect Rich Hill

Of course, we have some lineup changes:

2000 Cubs lineup:

1   Eric Young   2B
2   Mark Grace   1B
3   Sammy Sosa   RF
4   Henry Rodriguez   LF
5   Damon Buford   CF
6   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
7   Shane Andrews   3B
8   Joe Girardi   C
9      Tapani

2006 Cubs
1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Jerry Hairston Jr.   2B
3   Jacque Jones   RF
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Matt Murton   LF
6   Michael Barrett   C
7   John Mabry   1B
8   Neifi!   SS
9      Dick Mountain

2006 Cubs 7, 2000 Cubs 5

Summary:

Jock gets the '06ers on the board with a home run just in front of Al, who is preparing a blog post about how wonderful a pickup Jock was. The Y2Ks respond quickly. O Henry leads off with a double to right the causes Jock a little bit of trouble. After Sleeves Buford grounds out to Jerry Hairston Jr., Ricky Guttierez walks and then Shane Andrews hits a blooper down the left field line that eludes Murton and rolls into the Cubs bullpen. O Henry scores, Guttierez is waved home and a relay throw by Neifi cuts him down. In section 202, Row 1, patron Mike Donohue is apoplectic. Baker holds up four fingers and instructs Rich Hill to walk Joe Girardi, because Girardi once played for the Yankees, and the Yankees won the 1958 World Series, beating the Milwaukee Braves, which was led by Hank Aaron. With Girardi on first and Andrews on second, Hill is able to induce Tapani to hit a high fly ball to center, a normally-routine play. But nothing's routine to Juan Pierre, who misplays it and lets the ball roll to the ivy for a two-run double. 3-1 2000 Cubs. Meanwhile, Tapani starts cruising along. Shane Andrews' two-run homer in the fourth makes it 5-1.
The 2006ers respond with solo homers from E-ramis (fourth inning) and Jock (sixth inning). Even so, Tap is firmly in control. Rich Hill is relieved after the fifth and the bullpen triumvirate of Brownspot Bob Howry, Fourthmeal and Aardsma allow just two baserunners the rest of the way.  Tapani lasts into the ninth, surrendering a leadoff single to Ramirez and getting the 2006-era crowd a little excited until Ginger Murton hits a sharp grounder to Gutierrez who turns the 6-4-3 DP. Donohue starts shouting down all the Chads and Trixies in his section, as 50-IQ Mikey Barrett comes to the plate. Barrett's soft line drive to left center somehow finds the ground and the 2006 Cubs have a man on second with two out.
Baylor finally yanks Tapani in favor of closer Rick Aguilera, who promptly gives up an RBI single to John Mabry and a single to Neifi Perez, bringing up the pitcher's spot.
Baker again goes to Theriot to pinch-hit for the pitcher with two outs in the ninth. The Aguilera-Theriot matchup is enough to give Huey a case of Tourette's-like Anger.

And how does it end? I'll let Whatif describe it:

Code Select Expand


R.Theriot smacks a 3-run homer to CF that barely clears the wall.
2000 Chicago Cubs 5 6 0
2006 Chicago Cubs 7 11 0


The series heads to the 2000-era Wrigley Field with the series tied at 1.

[Bort]

I went with 2000 for the same reason TEC did.

As long as I never have to see the 2010 Cubs ever again.

[Brownie]

Game 3 is sort of a classic pitching matchup: 23-year-old Kerry Wood, fresh off the operating table vs. 40-year-old Greg Maddux, who spent his prep time on the phone with other GMs, trying to work out a trade.

In case you're wondering, Maddux was 1-0 with a 1.13 ERA and two CG in two starts against the Cubs in 2000. Wood, I'm sure, fared well against the 2006 Cubs in simulated games he might have pitched in.

Here are your lineups:
1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Jerry Hairston Jr.   2B
3   Jacque Jones   RF
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Matt Murton   LF
6   Todd Walker   1B
7   Hank White   C, American Hero
8   Neifi Perez   SS
9      Maddux     P

And for the Y2Kers:
1   Eric Young   2B
2   Jeff Huson   3B
3   Mark Grace   1B
4   Sammy Sosa   RF
5   Henry Rodriguez   LF
6   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
7   Gary Matthews   CF
8   Jeff Reed   C
9      Kerry Wood P

2006 Cubs 11, 2000 Cubs 6

Sumamry:
Neifi gets Maddux an early lead with a two-out, two-run second-inning triple. Sosa responds the next inning witha  leadoff homer into the centerfield shrubs. The top of the third, Jock touches Kerry Wood on a solo shot onto Sheffield. The 2000 Cubs respond with a two-out RBI double from the Gladiator and a two-run double from Gutierrez after O Henry was intenionally walked. It's 4-3 in favor of the Milennium edition.
Maddux struggled through thee-innings, so he's pulled for a pinch-hitter and Glendon Rusch takes the hill in the fourth. Jeff Reed greets him with a double into the right-field ivy. After Kerry Wood bunts him over to third, Eric Young skies a fly ball to Pierre, who is no threat to the lead footed Reed.

In the top of the fifth, Paul Tanner's two run shot to right ties it, setting the table for Hank White's go-ahead homer to left-center that clinks off the tru-link fence at the back of the bleachers. It's 6-5, 2006 Cubs. Wood's afternoon is done at 99 pitches and the vaunted 2000 Cubs bullpen of Todd Van Poppel, Fex Heredia, Tim Worrell and Steve Rain hold the 2006 club to just five more runs while Howry, Eyre, Aardsma and Bob Novoa shut down the Y2Kers.

The 2006 Cubs take a 2-1 lead in the most pointless computer-simulated series ever.

[PenPho]

I don't even know if these are the two worst in recent memory. 2006 probably, but I can't really say 2000 was any worse than 2002, 1999, or 1997. But the conversation started at shittiest rotation and 2000 immediately sprang to mind.

For me, nothing will be worse than 2006 because I was living right next to the field. I had never been actively angry at the Cubs before that season. At least in 2000 I was miles away in Champaign for the last couple of months of it.

I had to walk by Wrigley twice every day to and from work. Watching the ticket brokers beg passers by to take their tickets well below face value was pretty funny and of course less people in the area meant less of a hassle.

Still, it was awful and I wouldn't wish that season on any of us every again. Unless it somehow got Fro Dog to off himself.

A lot of this, but the other way.

In 2000, I spent essentially the entire summer taking half days at work and being wasted at Wrigley and hurling every profanity I knew at Rick Aguilera, usually leaving any close game early because I wanted to go get stoned didn't have it in me to watch him blow another save.

I even missed the infamous Chad Kreuter brawl because I left that game early too.

But, in looking back, that team had Grace, Sammy in his prime and a decent top 3 of the rotation in Leiber/Tapani/Wood (even though it was a shitty season for Wood.)

The 2006 team is just filled with Zambrano, Maddux and dogshit.

[Internet Apex]

Ouch. After this, can we do 2006 Bears vs. 2000 Bears? Tommie can kill McNown and then we can just all go get high.

[Brownie]

Game 4 was supposed to be Prior vs. Valdes. Prior had just pitched four strong innings in Iowa but he felt tightness in his shoulder the night before the game, and Valdes developed a blister, so he was a scratch. Instead, fans got to see a dandy between rookie Carlos Marmol, who left the West Tenn Diamond Jaxx at 11 pm to travel six years back in time to Wrigley Field, and Ruben Quevedo, who ate his way through the pregame.

Your lineups:

1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Todd Walker   2B
3   Jacque Jones   RF
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Matt Murton   LF
6   Michael Barrett   C
7   John Mabry   1B
8   Neifi Perez   SS
9      Marmol    P

1   Eric Young   2B
2   Damon Buford   CF
3   Sammy Sosa   RF
4   Mark Grace   1B
5   Glenallen Hill   LF
6   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
7   Joe Girardi   C
8   Jose Nieves   3B
9      Ruben Quevedo P

2000 Cubs 10, 2006 Cubs 9

Summary
Quevedo finds himself behind early as Glenallen Hill butchers Juan Pierre's leadoff flyball for a 2-base error and Todd Walker follows with a liner to left. A two-out Sosa homer ties it in the bottom of the first, and soon these two juggernauts exchange punches. (It might help if you read this in Chip Caray's voice).

Joe Girardi RIPS a triiple to leadoff the 2000 Cubs second inning, and scores on Jose Nieves' ground out. But then Jock DRILLS one the opposite way for a solo shot in the top of the third to tie it up for the Fighting 2006ers.

In the bottom of the frame, Sammy Sosa BELTS A two-run homer to center to make it 4-2. In the top of the fourth, the 2006 squad loads the bases with nobody out, but Neifi LASHES a grounder to Grace, who FIRES a BULLET home to Girardi, who then fires back to Grace for a 3-2-3 rally-killing DP.

The 2006 do strike in the fifth when Matt Murton BOMBS a three-run shot to straightaway center, putting the 2006 team up 5-4 and kayoing Quevedo for Daniel Garibay. Glenallen Hill answers in the bottom of the inning with a two-run shot of his own onto Waveland. The 2006 team ties it up in the sixth when Phil Nevin scored on a a Daniel Garibay wild pitch.

After Barney the Purple Dinosaur leads the crowd in Take Me Out to the Ballgame, the homestanding Millennium Cubs take the lead against Howry. RBI singles by Hill and Guttierez  and a sacrifice fly by Girardi make it 9-6. Sosa seemingly puts the game away with his third homer of the day in the bottom of the eighth.

With the game out of reach, Baylor inserts Steve Rain, who allows singles to Ginger and BoxofRocks Barrett. This quickly brings in closer Rick Aguilera, who quickly disposes of threat John Mabry. However, Aguilera's next batter, Neifi Perez, connects on a three-run homer to left field (when Neifii has a big series, what does that tell you?).
This brings out Derrek Lee as a pinch-hitter. Lee lines a single to center, but later is thrown out trying to steal second, With two outs, Nieves boots Juan Pierre's grounder, and Todd Walker then singles to left, putting runners on the corners.

So, Baylor summons in the Farns to face Jock Jones. Farnsworth quickly falls behind 3-0, and then throws a fastball down the middle that Jones watches. 3-1. Farnsworth throws another fat pitch down the middle and Jones waves at it. Finally Dr. Tightpants throws a slider low and outside and Jones chases it to preserve the craptastic 10-9 win.

The series is now even 2-2.

[CT III]

Had to go with the 2000 squad, if only because it would give me a chance to relive the great Fred McGriff hostage crisis of '01.


Or is that not how this works?

[Brownie]

OK, Game 5. The aces come back in this one: Lieber vs. Zambrano.

1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Neifi Perez   2B
3   Jacque Jones   RF
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Michael Barrett   C
6   Phil Nevin   1B
7   Matt Murton   LF
8   Ronny Cedeno   SS
9      Carlos Zambrano P

1   Eric Young   2B
2   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
3   Sammy Sosa   RF
4   Mark Grace   1B
5   Glenallen Hill   LF
6   Shane Andrews   3B
7   Damon Buford   CF
8   Joe Girardi   C
9      Jon Lieber    P

2000 Cubs 10, 2006 Cubs 2

Summary:
Michael Barrett gets Zambrano an ealry lead with a solo homer to left center. However, Big Z just didn't have it this day as he unravels in the third. With two out and a runner on, Zambrano walks Sosa and then drills Mark Grace in the knee to load the bases. He follows that up with a walk of Glenallen Hill to bring up Shane Andrews, who deposits a pitch into the basket in RF. Damon Buford then walked, Girardi singled to right and Lieber singled to center to score Buford. It was 6-1.

Inexplicably, Dustbag sends Zambrano out there in the fourth and he responds by plunking Rickey Gutierrez and walking Sosa to lead off the inning. Grace then smokes a liner past the half-assed dive of Phil Nevin for an RBI double. Glenallen Hill's three-run shot onto Waveland mercifully chases Zambrano who retired one of the final 12 men he faced.

Meanwhile, Lieber was strong, allowing scattering nine hits and two runs over nine innings. This sends the series back to 2006 with Baylor's sad-sack squad a game from clinching the toilet bowl of the aughts.

[SKO]

Why the hell isn't anyone complimenting TJ for this comedy gold? You people have become too complacent.

[PenPho]

Why the hell isn't anyone complimenting TJ for this comedy gold? You people have become too complacent.

I was waiting for the end of the series to be polite.

I guess they don't teach manners in Iowa.

[Brownie]

We return to the year 2006 and Baker decides to go with Sean Marshall instead of Rich Hill, correctly noting Hill's tendency to be easily rattled. He also gives Michael Barrett the night off. Tapani gets the ball for the 2000 Cubs, who look to finish off one of the most hateable teams of all time.

1   Eric Young   2B
2   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
3   Sammy Sosa   RF
4   Mark Grace   1B
5   Glenallen Hill   LF
6   Shane Andrews   3B
7   Damon Buford   CF
8   Joe Girardi   C
9      Kevin Tapani

1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Ryan Theriot   2B
3   Todd Walker   1B
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Jacque Jones   RF
6   Hank White    C
7   Matt Murton   LF
8   Neifi Perez   SS
9      Sean BearPig    P

2006 Cubs 7, 2000 Cubs 4

Summary
It wasn't Tapani's day as he gives up six runs in 4 2/3 innings of work. Do you know who's day it was? It was Aramis Ramirez's day. His two-run homer to left-center gave the Cubs a 2-0 lead. Ramirez also doubled home a run in the fifth. It was also Hank White's day. Not only did his homer to lead off the second inning give the 2006ers a 3-0 lead, but his single in front of Glenallen Hill drove home the game's sixth run and sent Tapani to the showers. Blanco also scored  the 2006ers' seventh run on a FFF Bynum single in the eighth and ended the game by catching Eric Young's foul pop up.
Marshall went six innings allowing just two runs, one coming home on a Girardi single, and another on a Mark Grace sac fly.

With the score 7-2 in the ninth, Baker brings in Fourthmeal to close it out. Alas, Mark Grace blasts a homer off the lefty and Glenallen Hill takes a walk. After a loud Shane Andrews flyout to the warning track and a Damon Buford fielder's choice, Joe Girardi singles to right, sending Baker out to bring in his closer, Ryan Dempster, who makes his first appearance in this series truly worthy of his comedy.

Baylor counters by bringing in the feared Roosevelt Brown, who hits a soft grounder on the long, wet Wrigley grass. All Aramis can do is put it in his pocket as Buford scored making it 7-4. However, Eric Young's high popup behind the plate is heroically caught by Hank White and the series makes it to Game 7.

Dempster gets the hard-earned save.

[Oleg]

I choose arsenic.

[Brownie]

Game 7 of the Yellon Cup was supposed to feature Kerry Wood and Greg Maddux one more time. You might remember that Wood and Maddux last faced each other in a deciding playoff game on Oct. 3, 1998. Wood went five innings and gave up just a run pitching in his first game since August and his last game until May 2000. Maddux gave up two runs in seven-plus innings, and the Braves clinched the NLDS. There would be no rematch. Wood came in with back spasms, so he'd be replaced by Scott Downs. As for Maddux, he finally got Ned Colletti to part with Cesar Izturis, so he was en route to Los Angeles and freedom from the Cubs' clubhouse. Baker went with the miraculously healthy Angel Guzman.

1   Eric Young   2B
2   Ricky Gutierrez   SS
3   Sammy Sosa   RF
4   Mark Grace   1B
5   Glenallen Hill   LF
6   Shane Andrews   3B
7   Damon Buford   CF
8   Joe Girardi   C
9      Scott Downs   P

1   Juan Pierre   CF
2   Cesar Izturis   SS
3   Derrek Lee   1B
4   Aramis Ramirez   3B
5   Jacque Jones   RF
6   Henry Blanco   C
7   Matt Murton   LF
8   Ryan Theriot   2B
9      Guzman         P

2006 Cubs 8, 2000 Cubs 7

Chip Caray didn't even have a chance to joke about Steve Stone not picking up the check at Harry Caray's on Kinzie when Glenallen Hill BELTED a Guzman offering onto Waveland. The 2006 Cubs were able to pull within a run on Jock's solo shot the opposite way, and a Theriot triple, driving in Hank Whie. Alas, Guzman again faced Glenallen Hill, and Mr. HGH came up with another three-run homer to left-center to make it 6-2 in the top of the third.

Baker's Battling Twenty-oh-sixers chiseled a run off the deficit in the fourth with another RBI by Theriot, this time on a single to right that drove in Murton. Hill made it a hat trick with a homer into the left-field basket off of Glendon Rusch to make it 7-3.

The 2006 Cubs managed another run in the bottom of the seventh when Theriot lead off with a double. After pinch-hitter Phil Nevin struck out, Juan Pierre touched Todd Van Poppel for a hard ground ball that got just past Eric Young.

Tim Worrell got the call to start the bottom of the eighth. Back-to-back singles by Aramis Ramirez and Jock Jones started the inning. After Henry Blanco lined out to Andrews at third, Ginger's single to right drove home Aramis Ramirez and got Baylor to bring in Steve Rain, who was promptly greeted by another Theriort RBI single.

Not ever seeing a rally he didn't like to kill, Baker brings in FFF Bynym to pinch hit for Fourthmeal. He lines out to third and Pierre strikes out and the Y2Kers enter the ninth with a one-run lead.

Just as a young Slak is cursing his TV and threatening to Aardsma himself, Baker brings in the young right-hander to pitch the ninth and keep the game close. Aardsma, fans Sleeves and then walks Girardi. O Henry, pinch-hitting for Rain, grounds out to Lee at first, sending Girardi to second. An Aardma wild pitch sends Girardi to third, but Eric Young kills any chance at insurance runs with a fly ball to left.

Of course, it wasn't time to worry for the Y2Kers as it was Aguilera-time. Aguilera immediately retires the Cubs' new prize, acquired from Los Angeles for the Hall of Famer. Izturis watches strike three go by.

Derrek Lee promptly singles to right, bringing up the dangerous Aramis Ramirez, who put his warning track power on display to make the second out of the inning.

This brought up Jacque Jones, whom Chuck called "Jacqueshit" earlier this thread. Huey is in a catatonic fit, cursing, blustering, shaking impaling himself with his plastic beer cups, calling his daughter and demanding she root for the Toledo Mud Hens, anyone but the Cubs.

Chuck is writing a smug blog post about Jacqueshit. When...




F


Y


C!

The 2006ers win the Yellon Cup. Al Yellon, of course was on hand, and is seen congratulating the player who best personifies the spirit of the champs:



(The 2006 Cubs were 1-3 in games Barrett started).

There you have it. 2006 Cubs, maybe a little more talented. 2000 Cubs definitely less hateable?

[flannj]

I actually did read this in a Chip Carey voice.

A thing of beauty TJ.

[PenPho]

A looooooooong.....slooooowwwww.......clap for TJ for that inspired piece of work. 

The only site, indeed.

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