Grantland: A Bill Simmons Joint

[Quality Start Machine]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

[Slaky]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

[Internet Apex]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

[Gilgamesh]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

Hey, FRINGE is good, fool!!  Go talk about obscure 90s rap!!

[Internet Apex]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

Hey, FRINGE is good, fool!!  Go talk about obscure 90s rap!!

Ok.

[Gilgamesh]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

Hey, FRINGE is good, fool!!  Go talk about obscure 90s rap!!

Ok.

All right then.  We have an accord.

[Internet Apex]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

Hey, FRINGE is good, fool!!  Go talk about obscure 90s rap!!

Ok.

All right then.  We have an accord.

*spits on hand, extends it to Gil* (||)

[Gilgamesh]

Coldplay sucks.

One more major difference between Fork and Chad.

I don't buy my hats at the Big & Tall store either.

When is he going to review Franklin and Bash?

Let me help. I saw about 15 seconds of it after "Sen of a Murton Age" last night. It was fucking terrible. Worse than any Fringe Gilstory you could contemplate. I turned it.

Hey, FRINGE is good, fool!!  Go talk about obscure 90s rap!!

Ok.

All right then.  We have an accord.

*spits on hand, extends it to Gil* (||)

*palms his balls, grazes his taint and shakes Pex's hand (||)

[R-V]

If this dreck about THE WRIGLEY EXPERIENCE doesn't make your ass itch, nothing will.

Now there are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn't full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville.

Winning, which the Cubs did do occasionally, was a superfluous kind of treat. It didn't feel too much different than losing — just like when you're at the beach, getting one flavor of ice cream doesn't feel so different than any other. They all taste fine when you're at the beach, right?

Precisely who was pitching for the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. Precisely who was hitting the next home run off the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. I still don't know who it was.

Fenway is spectacular, but in a very different way than Wrigley. Fenway is electric. Fenway is tense. When you're at a Red Sox game, you're at a professional baseball game, you're standing up, you're paying attention, you're keeping track of things. Because your team has a chance to win.

With the Cubs, though, all of that worry is gone. You're there, and there is a game being played, but then again, there's the sun, and what's that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where's the beer guy? And who's playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh's brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?

And there's a Bartman mention too!

[Richard Chuggar]

We get it, you're all jealous that a guy has a sweet job of writing some half-ass blog and makes a shitton of money for it while you do whatever is that you do everyday.

[Slaky]

If this dreck about THE WRIGLEY EXPERIENCE doesn't make your ass itch, nothing will.

Now there are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn't full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville.

Winning, which the Cubs did do occasionally, was a superfluous kind of treat. It didn't feel too much different than losing — just like when you're at the beach, getting one flavor of ice cream doesn't feel so different than any other. They all taste fine when you're at the beach, right?

Precisely who was pitching for the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. Precisely who was hitting the next home run off the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. I still don't know who it was.

Fenway is spectacular, but in a very different way than Wrigley. Fenway is electric. Fenway is tense. When you're at a Red Sox game, you're at a professional baseball game, you're standing up, you're paying attention, you're keeping track of things. Because your team has a chance to win.

With the Cubs, though, all of that worry is gone. You're there, and there is a game being played, but then again, there's the sun, and what's that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where's the beer guy? And who's playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh's brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?

And there's a Bartman mention too!

I didn't know Eggers was a White Sox fan.

[Brownie]

If this dreck about THE WRIGLEY EXPERIENCE doesn't make your ass itch, nothing will.

Now there are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn't full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville.

Winning, which the Cubs did do occasionally, was a superfluous kind of treat. It didn't feel too much different than losing — just like when you're at the beach, getting one flavor of ice cream doesn't feel so different than any other. They all taste fine when you're at the beach, right?

Precisely who was pitching for the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. Precisely who was hitting the next home run off the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. I still don't know who it was.

Fenway is spectacular, but in a very different way than Wrigley. Fenway is electric. Fenway is tense. When you're at a Red Sox game, you're at a professional baseball game, you're standing up, you're paying attention, you're keeping track of things. Because your team has a chance to win.

With the Cubs, though, all of that worry is gone. You're there, and there is a game being played, but then again, there's the sun, and what's that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where's the beer guy? And who's playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh's brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?

And there's a Bartman mention too!

Ah, it looks like our old friends are still recovering from the negative publicity of August 2008 and thus allowed Dave Eggers to eat and drink free or something:

We were at a place called Brixen Ivy.

By the way, from 1980-1989, the time Eggers came of age, the Cubs were the best team in the NL twice. Only the Cardinals were the best team in the league more (three times). The Mets twice were the best team in the league, the Astros once, the Reds once (1981, in which the strike cost them a playoff appearance), and the Dodgers once. Thus, winning obviously WAS an issue in the 1980s, especially from approximately the date of Lee Elia's "15 percent" address to the time they put Sutcliffe on the disabled list in 1985, when they were easily the best team in the NL over that two year span. These are the same Cubs that had to face Whitey Herzog's Cardinals, Darryl-Doc-Nails-led Mets, Mike Schmidt-era Phillies, the OF of the 1980s Expos and the young Bonds-Bonilla Van Slyke Pirates 18 times every year. It might not have been an ultimately successful decade, but winning at Wrigley was as much a concern in the 1980s as it was at Fenway (two playoff appearances). So Eggers doesn't know what he's talking about. And the people at Brixen Ivy aren't particularly nice, at least during the 2008 season when the Cubs again were the best team in the NL.

[Slaky]

If this dreck about THE WRIGLEY EXPERIENCE doesn't make your ass itch, nothing will.

Now there are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn't full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville.

Winning, which the Cubs did do occasionally, was a superfluous kind of treat. It didn't feel too much different than losing — just like when you're at the beach, getting one flavor of ice cream doesn't feel so different than any other. They all taste fine when you're at the beach, right?

Precisely who was pitching for the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. Precisely who was hitting the next home run off the Cubs didn't and doesn't matter. I still don't know who it was.

Fenway is spectacular, but in a very different way than Wrigley. Fenway is electric. Fenway is tense. When you're at a Red Sox game, you're at a professional baseball game, you're standing up, you're paying attention, you're keeping track of things. Because your team has a chance to win.

With the Cubs, though, all of that worry is gone. You're there, and there is a game being played, but then again, there's the sun, and what's that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where's the beer guy? And who's playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh's brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?

And there's a Bartman mention too!

Ah, it looks like our old friends are still recovering from the negative publicity of August 2008 and thus allowed Dave Eggers to eat and drink free or something:

We were at a place called Brixen Ivy.

By the way, from 1980-1989, the time Eggers came of age, the Cubs were the best team in the NL twice. Only the Cardinals were the best team in the league more (three times). The Mets twice were the best team in the league, the Astros once, the Reds once (1981, in which the strike cost them a playoff appearance), and the Dodgers once. Thus, winning obviously WAS an issue in the 1980s, especially from approximately the date of Lee Elia's "15 percent" address to the time they put Sutcliffe on the disabled list in 1985, when they were easily the best team in the NL over that two year span. These are the same Cubs that had to face Whitey Herzog's Cardinals, Darryl-Doc-Nails-led Mets, Mike Schmidt-era Phillies, the OF of the 1980s Expos and the young Bonds-Bonilla Van Slyke Pirates 18 times every year. It might not have been an ultimately successful decade, but winning at Wrigley was as much a concern in the 1980s as it was at Fenway (two playoff appearances). So Eggers doesn't know what he's talking about. And the people at Brixen Ivy aren't particularly nice, at least during the 2008 season when the Cubs again were the best team in the NL.

Fixed.

Also, fuck off TJ with your facts and reasonable analysis. Dave Eggers has tired memes to regurgitate for a trendy pop culture Internet vortex.

[Slaky]

We get it, you're all jealous that a guy has a sweet job of writing some half-ass blog and makes a shitton of money for it while you do whatever is that you do everyday.

That's how all criticism works. Clearly we all want to be what we criticise. Which means you want to be a large, gay black guy who plays XBox all day.

[Internet Apex]

We get it, you're all jealous that a guy has a sweet job of writing some half-ass blog and makes a shitton of money for it while you do whatever is that you do everyday.

That's the worst Ryan Pedigo imitation I've ever seen.