Let's look forward to the Cardinals Methocalypse

[Tonker]

If Carpenter were getting paid $38MM to play 3B for the Cubs for the next three years, I'd have a problem with it.  So would you all.

OK, damn you for making me defend Matt Carpenter even more, but the going rate for a boring, league average player is like $15 million a year at this point. If Kris Bryant didn't exist, I'd be more than happy to have Carpenter playing for the Cubs on that deal -- it's nothing.

We get it: you love the Cardinals.

[Eli]

If Carpenter were getting paid $38MM to play 3B for the Cubs for the next three years, I'd have a problem with it.  So would you all.

OK, damn you for making me defend Matt Carpenter even more, but the going rate for a boring, league average player is like $15 million a year at this point. If Kris Bryant didn't exist, I'd be more than happy to have Carpenter playing for the Cubs on that deal -- it's nothing.

We get it: you love the Cardinals.

Don't try to distract everyone from your wrongness.

[SKO]

If Carpenter were getting paid $38MM to play 3B for the Cubs for the next three years, I'd have a problem with it.  So would you all.

OK, damn you for making me defend Matt Carpenter even more, but the going rate for a boring, league average player is like $15 million a year at this point. If Kris Bryant didn't exist, I'd be more than happy to have Carpenter playing for the Cubs on that deal -- it's nothing.

We get it: you love the Cardinals.

It turns out every one of those "WHY IS BRYANT IN THE ALL STAR GAME AND NOT CARP" tweets that Slaky and the BFIBB guy have been retweeting all week came from the many robot accounts Eli's set up to defend the honor of this generation's Corey Koskie.

[Eli]

If Carpenter were getting paid $38MM to play 3B for the Cubs for the next three years, I'd have a problem with it.  So would you all.

OK, damn you for making me defend Matt Carpenter even more, but the going rate for a boring, league average player is like $15 million a year at this point. If Kris Bryant didn't exist, I'd be more than happy to have Carpenter playing for the Cubs on that deal -- it's nothing.

We get it: you love the Cardinals.

It turns out every one of those "WHY IS BRYANT IN THE ALL STAR GAME AND NOT CARP" tweets that Slaky and the BFIBB guy have been retweeting all week came from the many robot accounts Eli's set up to defend the honor of this generation's Corey Koskie.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[SKO]

If Carpenter were getting paid $38MM to play 3B for the Cubs for the next three years, I'd have a problem with it.  So would you all.

OK, damn you for making me defend Matt Carpenter even more, but the going rate for a boring, league average player is like $15 million a year at this point. If Kris Bryant didn't exist, I'd be more than happy to have Carpenter playing for the Cubs on that deal -- it's nothing.

We get it: you love the Cardinals.

It turns out every one of those "WHY IS BRYANT IN THE ALL STAR GAME AND NOT CARP" tweets that Slaky and the BFIBB guy have been retweeting all week came from the many robot accounts Eli's set up to defend the honor of this generation's Corey Koskie.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm saying this is you giving up on this argument, presumably through sheer exhaustion, and putting another notch on my Internet Winz belt.

The belt is strictly for decoration of course.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

[Eli]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

[SKO]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

[InternetApex]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

"Shitcago Cunts" had a nice ring to it, you have to admit.

[Eli]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

Looks like he's out there on Twitter but hasn't tweeted much in the past year or so. He's a voiceover artist, which I'm sure CT would appreciate.

https://twitter.com/thefruitbowl

And Yeti follows him.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

Looks like he's out there on Twitter but hasn't tweeted much in the past year or so. He's a voiceover artist, which I'm sure CT would appreciate.

https://twitter.com/thefruitbowl

And Yeti follows him.

Figures.

I saw that he had a Twitter account too but, sadly, it appears his unironically insane YouTube videos do not turn up on my searches.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

Looks like he's out there on Twitter but hasn't tweeted much in the past year or so. He's a voiceover artist, which I'm sure CT would appreciate.

https://twitter.com/thefruitbowl

And Yeti follows him.

As do morph and Fork.

[Yeti]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

Looks like he's out there on Twitter but hasn't tweeted much in the past year or so. He's a voiceover artist, which I'm sure CT would appreciate.

https://twitter.com/thefruitbowl

And Yeti follows him.

I like my takes like my coffee.

[Quality Start Machine]

Henceforth Eli shall be known 'round these parts by his full name--"Elias".

Ah yes, like the well-known bureau of extensive sports statistics and knowledge. Thank you.

Don't play coy with me, Coblentz.

Oh damn that's a deep pull. Whatever happened to that guy? I'm guessing he tongue kissed a shotgun at some point.

Looks like he's out there on Twitter but hasn't tweeted much in the past year or so. He's a voiceover artist, which I'm sure CT would appreciate.

https://twitter.com/thefruitbowl

And Yeti follows him.

As do morph and Fork.

He's been woefully quiet.