The Anthony Rizzo DongFest Thread

[SKO]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

I have a Rizzo jersey I got for Christmas. I wear it all the time, unashamedly. I also have a Rich Harden jersey because my ex-sister in law got it for 5 bucks at a flea market and gave it to me, and fuck it, I wear that, too.

I like my team. Baseball is fun. Jerseys are fun. Sports should be fun. It's all childish and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Saul Goodman]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

I have a Rizzo jersey I got for Christmas. I wear it all the time, unashamedly. I also have a Rich Harden jersey because my ex-sister in law got it for 5 bucks at a flea market and gave it to me, and fuck it, I wear that, too.

I like my team. Baseball is fun. Jerseys are fun. Sports should be fun. It's all childish and there's nothing wrong with that.

Except wearing a customized jersey with one's own name to a game. It's impossible not to look like a tool.

[SKO]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

I have a Rizzo jersey I got for Christmas. I wear it all the time, unashamedly. I also have a Rich Harden jersey because my ex-sister in law got it for 5 bucks at a flea market and gave it to me, and fuck it, I wear that, too.

I like my team. Baseball is fun. Jerseys are fun. Sports should be fun. It's all childish and there's nothing wrong with that.

Except wearing a customized jersey with one's own name to a game. It's impossible not to look like a tool.

Oh that is bad. As is wearing another team's jersey as a troll job (Cardinals fans wearing Bartman jerseys, etc.). Otherwise wear whatever jerseys you want whenever.

[Quality Start Machine]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

I have a Rizzo jersey I got for Christmas. I wear it all the time, unashamedly. I also have a Rich Harden jersey because my ex-sister in law got it for 5 bucks at a flea market and gave it to me, and fuck it, I wear that, too.

I like my team. Baseball is fun. Jerseys are fun. Sports should be fun. It's all childish and there's nothing wrong with that.

Except wearing a customized jersey with one's own name to a game. It's impossible not to look like a tool.

Oh that is bad. As is wearing another team's jersey as a troll job (Cardinals fans wearing Bartman jerseys, etc.). Otherwise wear whatever jerseys you want whenever.

Frankenjerseys are the only thing that might be as bad as one that has #69 on it.

[InternetApex]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I'm not talking about favorite players from my formative years. I've got Walter Payton, Andre Dawson and Patrick Ewing on a pedestal that will never topple. Arrieta could pitch a perfect game and hit a three-run dong off the top of the scoreboard in the seventh game of the World Series and yes, things would happen to my emotions that would render all other human experiences moot. But the guys I loved growing up will always be my favorites.  

EDIT: If LeBron were to win seven titles and sport a Crying Jordan Head t-shirt at the final parade, this whole conversation would be over.

EDITED AGAIN: But that would make him every bit the douchecannon that Jordan is, having given that barf-worthy HOF speech that proceeded his actual tears in that meme. So no. Payton, Dawson, Ewing and then everyone else.

[Tonker]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I'm not talking about favorite players from my formative years. I've got Walter Payton, Andre Dawson and Patrick Ewing on a pedestal that will never topple. Arrieta could pitch a perfect game and hit a three-run dong off the top of the scoreboard in the seventh game of the World Series and yes, things would happen to my emotions that would render all other human experiences moot. But the guys I loved growing up will always be my favorites.  

EDIT: If LeBron were to win seven titles and sport a Crying Jordan Head t-shirt at the final parade, this whole conversation would be over.

EDITED AGAIN: But that would make him every bit the douchecannon that Jordan is, having given that barf-worthy HOF speech that proceeded his actual tears in that meme. So no. Payton, Dawson, Ewing and then everyone else.

You forgot Mickey Morandini.

[Quality Start Machine]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I'm not talking about favorite players from my formative years. I've got Walter Payton, Andre Dawson and Patrick Ewing on a pedestal that will never topple. Arrieta could pitch a perfect game and hit a three-run dong off the top of the scoreboard in the seventh game of the World Series and yes, things would happen to my emotions that would render all other human experiences moot. But the guys I loved growing up will always be my favorites.  

EDIT: If LeBron were to win seven titles and sport a Crying Jordan Head t-shirt at the final parade, this whole conversation would be over.

EDITED AGAIN: But that would make him every bit the douchecannon that Jordan is, having given that barf-worthy HOF speech that proceeded his actual tears in that meme. So no. Payton, Dawson, Ewing and then everyone else.

You forgot Mickey Morandini.

And Tee Martin.

[InternetApex]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I'm not talking about favorite players from my formative years. I've got Walter Payton, Andre Dawson and Patrick Ewing on a pedestal that will never topple. Arrieta could pitch a perfect game and hit a three-run dong off the top of the scoreboard in the seventh game of the World Series and yes, things would happen to my emotions that would render all other human experiences moot. But the guys I loved growing up will always be my favorites.  

EDIT: If LeBron were to win seven titles and sport a Crying Jordan Head t-shirt at the final parade, this whole conversation would be over.

EDITED AGAIN: But that would make him every bit the douchecannon that Jordan is, having given that barf-worthy HOF speech that proceeded his actual tears in that meme. So no. Payton, Dawson, Ewing and then everyone else.

You forgot Mickey Morandini.

And Tee Martin.

Yes.

[Tinker to Evers to Chance]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I'm not talking about favorite players from my formative years. I've got Walter Payton, Andre Dawson and Patrick Ewing on a pedestal that will never topple. Arrieta could pitch a perfect game and hit a three-run dong off the top of the scoreboard in the seventh game of the World Series and yes, things would happen to my emotions that would render all other human experiences moot. But the guys I loved growing up will always be my favorites.  

EDIT: If LeBron were to win seven titles and sport a Crying Jordan Head t-shirt at the final parade, this whole conversation would be over.

EDITED AGAIN: But that would make him every bit the douchecannon that Jordan is, having given that barf-worthy HOF speech that proceeded his actual tears in that meme. So no. Payton, Dawson, Ewing and then everyone else.

You forgot Mickey Morandini.

And Tee Martin.

And Joe Kmak.

[ChuckD]

Bump for tagging on a foul out to catcher.

[Powdered Toast Man]

[InternetApex]

Bump for tagging on a foul out to catcher.

FYSKO

[SKO]

Bump for tagging on a foul out to catcher.

FYSKO

Had to think really hard why that was directed at me, but once I figured it out I appreciate the attention to detail.

[Oleg]

Bump for tagging on a foul out to catcher.

FYSKO

Had to think really hard why that was directed at me, but once I figured it out I appreciate the attention to detail.

I still don't know...so, I'll ask.  Huh?

[SKO]

Bump for tagging on a foul out to catcher.

FYSKO

Had to think really hard why that was directed at me, but once I figured it out I appreciate the attention to detail.

I still don't know...so, I'll ask.  Huh?

I bitch about David Ross a lot. My main complaint is that they got rid of Beef for absolutely nothing to make room for Ross. Beef fucked up the throw to second on that play by Rizzo that led to the run scoring. Beef therefore sucks, and I am stupid to bitch about Ross. Therefore the FYSKO