Kris Bryant Firehose of Splooge Thread

[Saul Goodman]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

[Quality Start Machine]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

[Saul Goodman]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

[Powdered Toast Man]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

[Eli]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

Burnett (who's still pretty darn good) will be the worst pitcher he's faced yet. Tough first week.

[SKO]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

[SKO]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

Burnett (who's still pretty darn good) will be the worst pitcher he's faced yet. Tough first week.

I had no idea who Tyson Ross was before Saturday and looked him up afterward but damn that dude has some good stuff. That slider was wicked.

[Quality Start Machine]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

[SKO]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

To me it looks like what I said and what you said do not contradict each other, so I'll endorse what you said as well.

[Eli]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

To me it looks like what I said and what you said do not contradict each other, so I'll endorse what you said as well.

Disagree. Seems like you and Fork were saying the same thing.

[SKO]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

To me it looks like what I said and what you said do not contradict each other, so I'll endorse what you said as well.

Disagree. Seems like you and Fork were saying the same thing.

Rebuttal: I said nothing about adrenaline or defense.

[Saul Goodman]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

Len and JD mentioned this on the broadcast but he's being pitched like he's Mike Trout instead of some random minor league call-up. He's fouled off the few good pitches he had to hit but that's not going to last.

[SKO]

The thing that is going to make NL pitchers self-deficate is that Bryant has managed in three games to adjust to pitchers changing speeds at the big league level. He's not only a golden god when he swings the bat, but he's looking really fucking smart up there too.

A couple slapdick hits in a group of swing-and-misses is all we need for a golden god now? Let's wait til he starts squaring it up, which I hope will be today, before we crown his ass. His approach has been very good since the first game so it's only a matter of time.

That double he hit has no similarities to anything slapdickish. It was right on the screws.

I forgot about that double, you're right about that. That's only one solid hit though. After he hits three homers today we'll forget all about this.

What was most important to me was him adjusting. He looks like a very smart hitter who knows he can't just take one approach.

To me he looks like a guy who took four at bats to at least stop getting himself out by chasing pitcher's pitches. If he stays that patient, he'll get pitches to hit eventually. For now, he can keep on keeping on.

To me he looks like a guy who was running on pure adrenaline in Game One, and since then he's been settling into doing the things that got him here. He's actually looked decent defensively, and when I watched him last year and in spring training, he looked kind of slow to the ball.

Len and JD mentioned this on the broadcast but he's being pitched like he's Mike Trout instead of some random minor league call-up. He's fouled off the few good pitches he had to hit but that's not going to last.

Honestly outside of the pitch he hit for a double and the one he fucked up for a popout in his last AB yesterday it seemed like the only pitcher who gave him a pitch to hit was Craig Kimbrel, and calling a fastball from Craig Kimbrel "a pitch to hit" seems unkind.

[Quality Start Machine]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

[Eli]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

Joakim Noah is the best.