Kris Bryant Firehose of Splooge Thread

[Brownie]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant? Valbuena can play second, Bryant can play third, My Colt can strike out for the pitcher in the sixth or seventh inning, Barney can spit sunflower seeds in the dugout, and when Emilio gets back, he can play center, Bryant can stay at third, Valbuena can stay at second and Darwin Barney Chevy-Buick-GMC-Kia can open somewhere in Oregon.

When we determine Bryant can't play third, you shift him to right with Steve Lake's boy in left and Bonifacio in center, put Valbuena at third and put Baez in the middle of the infield. So here you have it:

Bonifacio  cf
Valbuena  3b
Bryant     rf
Rizzo       1b
Baez        2b
Castro     ss
Lake        lf
The guy whose name you really can't spill out now but will come to you in 2036 when you're in some trivia contest and a question about HOF inductee Kyle Schwarber comes up      c

Olt: for the days you need a designated hitter

[J. Walter Weatherman]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

[Eli]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

If Bryant stays in Tennessee much longer, they will write country-music songs about him.

Sure.

[PenFoe]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

If Bryant stays in Tennessee much longer, they will write country-music songs about him.

Sure.

It's remarkable how someone can make a couple good points wrapped up in such a horrible article.

[SKO]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

If Bryant stays in Tennessee much longer, they will write country-music songs about him.

Sure.

It's remarkable how someone can make a couple good points wrapped up in such a horrible article.

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

[InternetApex]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

If Bryant stays in Tennessee much longer, they will write country-music songs about him.

Sure.

It's remarkable how someone can make a couple good points wrapped up in such a horrible article.

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

It's probably the only tall, nice-looking white third-baseman he's heard of that's worth a shit.

[PenFoe]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant?

Intrepid Reader: David Haugh

Because obviously he needs not quite 40 games at AAA to reduce his errors—13 are too many—and strikeouts.

If Bryant stays in Tennessee much longer, they will write country-music songs about him.

Sure.

It's remarkable how someone can make a couple good points wrapped up in such a horrible article.

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

It's probably the only tall, nice-looking white third-baseman he's heard of that's worth a shit.

[Eli]

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

No, Chipper doesn't make a lot of sense. I've heard Troy Glaus mentioned a few times, which is probably more statistically apt (and reasonable) from a BA/OBP/K%/power perspective. Maybe Glaus isn't white enough?

[PenFoe]

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

No, Chipper doesn't make a lot of sense. I've heard Troy Glaus mentioned a few times, which is probably more statistically apt (and reasonable) from a BA/OBP/K%/power perspective. Maybe Glaus isn't white enough?

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

[InternetApex]

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

No, Chipper doesn't make a lot of sense. I've heard Troy Glaus mentioned a few times, which is probably more statistically apt (and reasonable) from a BA/OBP/K%/power perspective. Maybe Glaus isn't white enough?

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

No. I'm sticking with anybody other than that fuckface Schmidt. I'll comp him to Steve Buschele before I soil him like that in my mind. 

[PenFoe]

I stopped at the Chipper Jones line. I mean, I'll be thrilled if Bryant turns out to be even that successful...but has anyone compared Bryant to Chipper? Bryant's not a switch hitter or anything. Is...there something I'm missing there? It just seems an odd choice.

No, Chipper doesn't make a lot of sense. I've heard Troy Glaus mentioned a few times, which is probably more statistically apt (and reasonable) from a BA/OBP/K%/power perspective. Maybe Glaus isn't white enough?

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

No. I'm sticking with anybody other than that fuckface Schmidt. I'll comp him to Steve Buschele before I soil him like that in my mind. 

This feels rational.

[Eli]

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

Are the only options to comp Bryant to upper-tier Hall of Famers? It wasn't a knock. Glaus was really good; he just had trouble staying healthy.

And I think given his strikeout numbers, Bryant will probably be closer to a .250 hitter than than .300 hitter Chipper was. Again, not a knock, since he projects to walk a lot and (obviously) produce tons of power.

[SKO]

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

Are the only options to comp Bryant to upper-tier Hall of Famers? It wasn't a knock. Glaus was really good; he just had trouble staying healthy.

And I think given his strikeout numbers, Bryant will probably be closer to a .250 hitter than than .300 hitter Chipper was. Again, not a knock, since he projects to walk a lot and (obviously) produce tons of power.

Christ is Baez even going to crack the Mendoza line, then?

[Tony]

I thought Bryant was the next Braun. Isn't that the comp that was settled on?

[Eli]

If we're only projecting Bryant to hit in the .250s in the pros, I'd prefer we comp him to Mike Schmidt than Troy fucking Glaus.

Are the only options to comp Bryant to upper-tier Hall of Famers? It wasn't a knock. Glaus was really good; he just had trouble staying healthy.

And I think given his strikeout numbers, Bryant will probably be closer to a .250 hitter than than .300 hitter Chipper was. Again, not a knock, since he projects to walk a lot and (obviously) produce tons of power.

Christ is Baez even going to crack the Mendoza line, then?

Sure. He projects to be in that same range. Again, we're talking about batting average here, which isn't all that important on its own.