Kris Bryant Firehose of Splooge Thread

[PenFoe]

If BONERFACE is headed to the DL, why not call up Bryant? Valbuena can play second, Bryant can play third, My Colt can strike out for the pitcher in the sixth or seventh inning, Barney can spit sunflower seeds in the dugout, and when Emilio gets back, he can play center, Bryant can stay at third, Valbuena can stay at second and Darwin Barney Chevy-Buick-GMC-Kia can open somewhere in Oregon.

When we determine Bryant can't play third, you shift him to right with Steve Lake's boy in left and Bonifacio in center, put Valbuena at third and put Baez in the middle of the infield. So here you have it:

Bonifacio  cf
Valbuena  3b
Bryant     rf
Rizzo       1b
Baez        2b
Castro     ss
Lake        lf
The guy whose name you really can't spill out now but will come to you in 2036 when you're in some trivia contest and a question about HOF inductee Kyle Schwarber comes up      c

Olt: for the days you need a designated hitter

Dream = crushed.

[Slaky]

Except Sweeney is going to be hurt in a week.

[InternetApex]

I'm with SKO in that it's still kind of sad knowing that Bryant's perceived ceiling might be a power hitter who hits in the mid 200s. Like, he's obviously tearing up AA but knowing that there's nothing that can guarantee he's going to be able to put up Triple Crown like numbers stinks.

Even if it's more realistic to assume he's going to be very good instead of transcendent I'm still hoping for transcendent.

Still plenty of great players (many arguably transcendent) on this list of high-K, high-SLG, decent-OBP players. Especially factoring that offense is pretty suppressed now, a theoretical .260/.340/.500 guy is incredibly valuable. I think that's realistic for Bryant with a good chance for even better.

I can't even hope for a .900 OPS out of Bryant? GODDAMMIT, ELI

Yeah, is that an .840 career OPS or the average of his most productive seasons? Career .840 is pretty fucking spectacular.

That was career. I'TS GONNA

They grow fucking spectacular on trees now?

It's not all that fucking spectacular but I'll take it.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Kyle Schwarber is 7-11 with 2 HR's, 8 RBI and 1/1 BB/K through is first three pro games.

IT'S GONNA round 2?

[Yeti]

Kyle Schwarber is 7-11 with 2 HR's, 8 RBI and 1/1 BB/K through is first three pro games.

IT'S GONNA round 2?

What thread is this?

[Tinker to Evers to Chance]

Kyle Schwarber is 7-11 with 2 HR's, 8 RBI and 1/1 BB/K through is first three pro games.

IT'S GONNA round 2?

What thread is this?

MODS!

[Tonker]

Kyle Schwarber is 7-11 with 2 HR's, 8 RBI and 1/1 BB/K through is first three pro games.

IT'S GONNA round 2?

What thread is this?

As Desipio thread-hijacks go, this is way, way, WAY down the list.

[Quality Start Machine]

To get back on track, Southern League All-Star game is tomorrow night. Wonder if Bryant has his bags packed for Iowa already.

[WTB...A RING FFS!!]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

[InternetApex]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

[SKO]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

Are you just saying this so we can ignore Baez' AAA stats in favor of his AA stats? Because I'm cool with that, actually.

[Quality Start Machine]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

Unless the Cubs want him to spend a little extra time in the sticks getting his K rate down. Or maybe let him get a few games in left field, if they can stand to let The Great Josh Vitters pick splinters out of his ass while watching what could have been.

[InternetApex]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

Are you just saying this so we can ignore Baez' AAA stats in favor of his AA stats? Because I'm cool with that, actually.

I hadn't thought of that yet. But I'm willing to hop on board with it.

[Powdered Toast Man]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

Are you just saying this so we can ignore Baez' AAA stats in favor of his AA stats? Because I'm cool with that, actually.

I'd be MUCH more worried about Javy Baez getting called up right now as opposed to Kris Bryant.

I will now duck and run for cover.

[Eli]

I was thinking the same thing Fork about Iowa. I was looking at the league stats for him. .355/458/702/1.160 with 20 2B's, 22 HR's, 58 RBI and 43 walks. He's 30 points higher than 2nd place in batting, 48 pts up in OBA, 105 pts in SLG and a ridiculous difference in OPS with 1.160 to .996 for Jake Lamb. He's 3rd in the league in doubles, 1st in walks, 9 homer lead over 2nd and 1st in RBI. At this pt you'd think they were just trotting out a tee for him. How long before he moves up to Iowa to test himself? Right now he's just making AA pitching look like drooling, mouth-breathing, window-licking, helmet-wearing, shortbus-riding halfwits.

I honestly don't care if he ever plays a game for Iowa. I don't think AAA pitching is that much better than AA pitching. There are plenty of quadruple-A turds in the PCL that wouldn't give Bryant much of a challenge. The arms at AA are much more live, although more mistakes might be made with regard to location and sequence. So, there are big league-ish breaking balls at AAA but not the ones that are going to offer a true test of his mettle. I mean the great Chris Rusin would be on his team so unless they hooked up in a simulated game or something I don't know what there would be to accomplish at that level.

Are you just saying this so we can ignore Baez' AAA stats in favor of his AA stats? Because I'm cool with that, actually.

I'd be MUCH more worried about Javy Baez getting called up right now as opposed to Kris Bryant.

I will now duck and run for cover.

I don't think you'll find anyone who disagrees with you, so you can come out of hiding now.