Kris Bryant Firehose of Splooge Thread

[PenFoe]

Had to go to dinner with my wife's boss last night for a work thing she had. Her boss brought up Kris Bryant and I had to suffer through him saying the following

1) Why would they send him to the minors? That's so dumb

I explain team control

2)Well you just know if the Cubs do that they'll miss the playoffs by 1 game

3)You know even if he turns out good they'll just trade him like they did Samardzija and every other good player they had the last few years.

4) Lol Cubs DERP DERP goat DERP DERP

Fortunately real life SKO has far more restraint than Internet SKO becuase otherwise I think my wife would be unemployed this morning.

One of my favorites.

Still true.

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

It's like he was created solely to troll you.

[SKO]

Had to go to dinner with my wife's boss last night for a work thing she had. Her boss brought up Kris Bryant and I had to suffer through him saying the following

1) Why would they send him to the minors? That's so dumb

I explain team control

2)Well you just know if the Cubs do that they'll miss the playoffs by 1 game

3)You know even if he turns out good they'll just trade him like they did Samardzija and every other good player they had the last few years.

4) Lol Cubs DERP DERP goat DERP DERP

Fortunately real life SKO has far more restraint than Internet SKO becuase otherwise I think my wife would be unemployed this morning.

One of my favorites.

Still true.

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

It's like he was created solely to troll you.

The moment he got out of his car my wife immediately leaned over to me and was like "no. Just no. Don't even think about it." But, I mean, you all agree he made me, right?

[Saul Goodman]

Had to go to dinner with my wife's boss last night for a work thing she had. Her boss brought up Kris Bryant and I had to suffer through him saying the following

1) Why would they send him to the minors? That's so dumb

I explain team control

2)Well you just know if the Cubs do that they'll miss the playoffs by 1 game

3)You know even if he turns out good they'll just trade him like they did Samardzija and every other good player they had the last few years.

4) Lol Cubs DERP DERP goat DERP DERP

Fortunately real life SKO has far more restraint than Internet SKO becuase otherwise I think my wife would be unemployed this morning.

One of my favorites.

Still true.

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

It's like he was created solely to troll you.

The moment he got out of his car my wife immediately leaned over to me and was like "no. Just no. Don't even think about it." But, I mean, you all agree he made me, right?

Clearest case of provocation I've ever seen.

[Eli]

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

Tebow playoff wins per season: 0.33
Cutler playoff wins per season: 0.11

[PenFoe]

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

Tebow playoff wins per season: 0.33
Cutler playoff wins per season: 0.11

As a Steelers fan and Cutler hater, this post has me so conflicted.

Ultimately, the hope that it makes SKO's head explode wins out.

+1.

[CT III]

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

Tebow playoff wins per season: 0.33
Cutler playoff wins per season: 0.11

Well now, that's just plain provocative.

[SKO]

First family reunion I ever went to with my wife's family was in 2011. Her cousin from Denver came wearing a Tebow jersey. He made mention of Tebow being better than Cutler ever was and....I'm not going back to anymore of those reunions, I'll tell you that.

Tebow playoff wins per season: 0.33
Cutler playoff wins per season: 0.11

Well now, that's just plain provocative.

Actually the best Pro-Tebow argument ever was from the guy who added all of his rushing touchdowns to his passing TDs and then argued that he had more touchdowns per game than X number of hall of fame QBs who didn't serve as their own goal line RB. It was a hilarious misunderstanding of stats, but it was still at least a use of stats.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

Had to go to dinner with my wife's boss last night for a work thing she had. Her boss brought up Kris Bryant and I had to suffer through him saying the following

1) Why would they send him to the minors? That's so dumb

I explain team control

2)Well you just know if the Cubs do that they'll miss the playoffs by 1 game

3)You know even if he turns out good they'll just trade him like they did Samardzija and every other good player they had the last few years.

4) Lol Cubs DERP DERP goat DERP DERP

Fortunately real life SKO has far more restraint than Internet SKO becuase otherwise I think my wife would be unemployed this morning.

One of my favorites.

However, shaming said people should be construed as unnecessary.

Look, if we're not shaming people anymore, we may as well shut it all down.

There is a time and place for that sort of behavior. For Huard, it's between the chalk lines of the softball diamond as soon as the shit hits the fan during a work-related phone call with the person's sister.

Pick a lane'd

[Eli]

In which Theo basically says Bryant isn't starting the year in the majors:

"Beyond that, Scott has a forum and obviously people are publishing what he says. He has a job to do and he has a great client who is a fantastic kid. The person who is handling this with the most professionalism and maturity is Kris Bryant. I couldn't be more proud of how he is handling a very difficult situation. He is getting asked about it every day. He doesn't get to just go focus on playing the game; he is asked about this from all corners and he is handling himself in a way that makes the Cubs proud.

...

"As far as when Kris makes his major league debut and whether it will be part of this Opening Day roster, we haven't put that final roster together yet," Epstein said. "I can say this: This is my 13th time putting a team together at the end of spring training and I have never once put a young prospect on an Opening Day roster when he had to make his major league debut (with the exception of a Rule 5 player).

"We've broken in some pretty good young players over the years from Kevin Youkilis to Hanley Ramirez to Dustin Pedroia to Jacoby Ellsbury to Jon Lester to Jonathan Papelbon and we have always given them the benefit of getting into the season in the minor leagues and getting into a good rhythm whether that is on the mound or offensively or defensively and playing in games that count rather than just spring training. We want to let them get into the flow of the season and then we try to pick just the right moment, in our opinion, to have them come up and make their major league debut.

"A major league debut is a sense of time and if it doesn't go quite the right way and if you don't put them in the right position to succeed, you can get in the way of their whole integration into the major leagues and it's something we take seriously. I've never once done it. I've never put a young prospect in a position to make his major league debut on Opening Day. Opening Day, when it is cold out and there is a lot of attention and even veteran players don't feel like themselves, they're not quite into the flow of the season yet.

"I've never done it and it's always been for baseball reasons. This is not a different situation than we've faced in the past, so let's make the best decision for the Chicago Cubs and for Kris Bryant's development."

If you watch the video on the page, it's really kind of an amazing soundbite, how clearly he lays out all of his talking points. If Theo gets bored with baseball, he could probably get into politics.

[Chuck to Chuck]

In which Theo basically says Bryant isn't starting the year in the majors:

"Beyond that, Scott has a forum and obviously people are publishing what he says. He has a job to do and he has a great client who is a fantastic kid. The person who is handling this with the most professionalism and maturity is Kris Bryant. I couldn't be more proud of how he is handling a very difficult situation. He is getting asked about it every day. He doesn't get to just go focus on playing the game; he is asked about this from all corners and he is handling himself in a way that makes the Cubs proud.

...

"As far as when Kris makes his major league debut and whether it will be part of this Opening Day roster, we haven't put that final roster together yet," Epstein said. "I can say this: This is my 13th time putting a team together at the end of spring training and I have never once put a young prospect on an Opening Day roster when he had to make his major league debut (with the exception of a Rule 5 player).

"We've broken in some pretty good young players over the years from Kevin Youkilis to Hanley Ramirez to Dustin Pedroia to Jacoby Ellsbury to Jon Lester to Jonathan Papelbon and we have always given them the benefit of getting into the season in the minor leagues and getting into a good rhythm whether that is on the mound or offensively or defensively and playing in games that count rather than just spring training. We want to let them get into the flow of the season and then we try to pick just the right moment, in our opinion, to have them come up and make their major league debut.

"A major league debut is a sense of time and if it doesn't go quite the right way and if you don't put them in the right position to succeed, you can get in the way of their whole integration into the major leagues and it's something we take seriously. I've never once done it. I've never put a young prospect in a position to make his major league debut on Opening Day. Opening Day, when it is cold out and there is a lot of attention and even veteran players don't feel like themselves, they're not quite into the flow of the season yet.

"I've never done it and it's always been for baseball reasons. This is not a different situation than we've faced in the past, so let's make the best decision for the Chicago Cubs and for Kris Bryant's development."

If you watch the video on the page, it's really kind of an amazing soundbite, how clearly he lays out all of his talking points. If Theo gets bored with baseball, he could probably get into politics.

SWOON

[Tonker]

In which Theo basically says Bryant isn't starting the year in the majors:

"Beyond that, Scott has a forum and obviously people are publishing what he says. He has a job to do and he has a great client who is a fantastic kid. The person who is handling this with the most professionalism and maturity is Kris Bryant. I couldn't be more proud of how he is handling a very difficult situation. He is getting asked about it every day. He doesn't get to just go focus on playing the game; he is asked about this from all corners and he is handling himself in a way that makes the Cubs proud.

...

"As far as when Kris makes his major league debut and whether it will be part of this Opening Day roster, we haven't put that final roster together yet," Epstein said. "I can say this: This is my 13th time putting a team together at the end of spring training and I have never once put a young prospect on an Opening Day roster when he had to make his major league debut (with the exception of a Rule 5 player).

"We've broken in some pretty good young players over the years from Kevin Youkilis to Hanley Ramirez to Dustin Pedroia to Jacoby Ellsbury to Jon Lester to Jonathan Papelbon and we have always given them the benefit of getting into the season in the minor leagues and getting into a good rhythm whether that is on the mound or offensively or defensively and playing in games that count rather than just spring training. We want to let them get into the flow of the season and then we try to pick just the right moment, in our opinion, to have them come up and make their major league debut.

"A major league debut is a sense of time and if it doesn't go quite the right way and if you don't put them in the right position to succeed, you can get in the way of their whole integration into the major leagues and it's something we take seriously. I've never once done it. I've never put a young prospect in a position to make his major league debut on Opening Day. Opening Day, when it is cold out and there is a lot of attention and even veteran players don't feel like themselves, they're not quite into the flow of the season yet.

"I've never done it and it's always been for baseball reasons. This is not a different situation than we've faced in the past, so let's make the best decision for the Chicago Cubs and for Kris Bryant's development."

If you watch the video on the page, it's really kind of an amazing soundbite, how clearly he lays out all of his talking points. If Theo gets bored with baseball, he could probably get into politics.

That's the most eloquent "fuck you" I've seen for a while.

[Saul Goodman]

Per MLB.com alert, Bryant has been reassigned to Minor League camp. Let the hot takes begin.

Meanwhile, Javier Baez has been optioned to Triple-A Iowa, which to me is the right call. Maybe he can pull off what Rizzo did, when he came up, stank, went back down, and established himself after his next call-up.

Update: Addison Russell also reassigned, but that's not a surprise.

[Quality Start Machine]

Bryant was striking out at the same rate as Junior Lake, so clearly he's in need of some seasoning.

[InternetApex]

Bryant was striking out at the same rate as Junior Lake, so clearly he's in need of some seasoning.

I bought some "beer, cheddar and bacon" seasoning at Mariano's yesterday because I'm making cheeseburgers tonight. I could of done without it, you see, but a little seasoning sometimes it's good for everybody!

[Quality Start Machine]

Bryant was striking out at the same rate as Junior Lake, so clearly he's in need of some seasoning.

I bought some "beer, cheddar and bacon" seasoning at Mariano's yesterday because I'm making cheeseburgers tonight. I could of done without it, you see, but a little seasoning sometimes it's good for everybody!

Why not buy actual beer cheddar and bacon, and season yourself?