Kris Bryant Firehose of Splooge Thread

[Powdered Toast Man]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

DEH WYTE SOXS WUDD NEVA DOO DAT

[SKO]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

DEH WYTE SOXS WUDD NEVA DOO DAT

I did like that line, especially since they just fucking did it with Carlos Rodon.

[InternetApex]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

Joakim Noah is the best.

That was fucking hilarious. As much as I used to hate the guy, I have to admit he's pretty cool now.

[Quality Start Machine]

Take a couple minutes and enjoy this.

Joakim Noah is the best.

That was fucking hilarious. As much as I used to hate the guy, I have to admit he's pretty cool now.

I want to call Bryant "Miniature Person" now.

[SKO]

Part of what would be awesome about Bryant actually reaching his potential and becoming a superstar slugger is that given his face and his already incredibly Derek-Jeter-Always-Says-Exactly-What-Will-Make-Sportswriters-Splooge-ish personality Bryant will rack up endorsements like crazy.

Why do I care? Because with Kris Bryant destroying opposing pitchers and his face appearing everywhere he will inspire every non-Cubs fan into a frothing rage (especially the BFIBB, who will bend over backwards to justify their hatred of a good, uncontroversial, white baseball player). I want that player that every other fanbase sees and goes "oh, god, fuck that guy" knowing deep down all they want is their own Kris Bryant, and they can't fucking have him.

Give me this, lord.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Part of what would be awesome about Bryant actually reaching his potential and becoming a superstar slugger is that given his face and his already incredibly Derek-Jeter-Always-Says-Exactly-What-Will-Make-Sportswriters-Splooge-ish personality Bryant will rack up endorsements like crazy.

Why do I care? Because with Kris Bryant destroying opposing pitchers and his face appearing everywhere he will inspire every non-Cubs fan into a frothing rage (especially the BFIBB, who will bend over backwards to justify their hatred of a good, uncontroversial, white baseball player). I want that player that every other fanbase sees and goes "oh, god, fuck that guy" knowing deep down all they want is their own Kris Bryant, and they can't fucking have him.

Give me this, lord.

Everything about this post made me not lol until the very last sentence.

[InternetApex]

Part of what would be awesome about Bryant actually reaching his potential and becoming a superstar slugger is that given his face and his already incredibly Derek-Jeter-Always-Says-Exactly-What-Will-Make-Sportswriters-Splooge-ish personality Bryant will rack up endorsements like crazy.

Why do I care? Because with Kris Bryant destroying opposing pitchers and his face appearing everywhere he will inspire every non-Cubs fan into a frothing rage (especially the BFIBB, who will bend over backwards to justify their hatred of a good, uncontroversial, white baseball player). I want that player that every other fanbase sees and goes "oh, god, fuck that guy" knowing deep down all they want is their own Kris Bryant, and they can't fucking have him.

Give me this, lord.

Everything about this post made me not lol until the very last sentence.

But you watch. The BFIBB are notorious for applauding opposing players that they feel uphold their values and shit. Watch them glom onto Bryant and give him standing O's and shit.

[SKO]

Part of what would be awesome about Bryant actually reaching his potential and becoming a superstar slugger is that given his face and his already incredibly Derek-Jeter-Always-Says-Exactly-What-Will-Make-Sportswriters-Splooge-ish personality Bryant will rack up endorsements like crazy.

Why do I care? Because with Kris Bryant destroying opposing pitchers and his face appearing everywhere he will inspire every non-Cubs fan into a frothing rage (especially the BFIBB, who will bend over backwards to justify their hatred of a good, uncontroversial, white baseball player). I want that player that every other fanbase sees and goes "oh, god, fuck that guy" knowing deep down all they want is their own Kris Bryant, and they can't fucking have him.

Give me this, lord.

Everything about this post made me not lol until the very last sentence.

But you watch. The BFIBB are notorious for applauding opposing players that they feel uphold their values and shit. Watch them glom onto Bryant and give him standing O's and shit.

Even better. Let them cheer their destroyer.

[Bort]

Part of what would be awesome about Bryant actually reaching his potential and becoming a superstar slugger is that given his face and his already incredibly Derek-Jeter-Always-Says-Exactly-What-Will-Make-Sportswriters-Splooge-ish personality Bryant will rack up endorsements like crazy.

Why do I care? Because with Kris Bryant destroying opposing pitchers and his face appearing everywhere he will inspire every non-Cubs fan into a frothing rage (especially the BFIBB, who will bend over backwards to justify their hatred of a good, uncontroversial, white baseball player). I want that player that every other fanbase sees and goes "oh, god, fuck that guy" knowing deep down all they want is their own Kris Bryant, and they can't fucking have him.

Give me this, lord.

Everything about this post made me not lol until the very last sentence.

But you watch. The BFIBB are notorious for applauding opposing players that they feel uphold their values and shit. Watch them glom onto Bryant and give him standing O's and shit.

Even better. Let them cheer their destroyer.

They only cheer opposing teams in condescension. Trust me. Once there are a few more pennants flying over Wrigley, they'll boo him like he was a black man that looked at a white woman.

[SKO]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

[Bonk]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

But no HR. He sucks.

[Quality Start Machine]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

But no HR. He sucks.

Had to love his taking 3rd on the throw to the plate on his double, and scoring on the error. If he weren't so tall, he might actually be gritty.

[SKO]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

But no HR. He sucks.

Had to love his taking 3rd on the throw to the plate on his double, and scoring on the error. If he weren't so tall, he might actually be gritty.

He's definitely a smart baserunner. Has taken the extra base every single time. Really the whole team has. As bizarre as it is to see the Cubs have good young hitters, to see them stealing bases and constantly taking extra bases without any TOOTBLANS is equally bizarre.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

But no HR. He sucks.

Had to love his taking 3rd on the throw to the plate on his double, and scoring on the error. If he weren't so tall, he might actually be gritty.

I think his height was also a factor in the rundown.  Dude that's 6'6" can be a little hard to get the ball around/over.

[Chuck to Chuck]

BUMP

By my amateur math (so probably wrong) Bryant at .429/.579/.571/1.150.

Holy shit.

But no HR. He sucks.

Had to love his taking 3rd on the throw to the plate on his double, and scoring on the error. If he weren't so tall, he might actually be gritty.

I think his height was also a factor in the rundown.  Dude that's a 6'6" Miniature Person can be a little hard to get the ball around/over.