2014 General NFL Thread

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yep. My nephew was born with a high fever and had to go on anti-biotics basically the second he was out of the womb and was in the NICU for weeks. Scared the living piss out of me. The midwife thing is fine with me as long as everything goes to plan, but I sure as hell wasn't going to sign off on a midwife that didn't operate out of a hospital with doctors available in case of an emergency.

... You've got no reason to worry, at least beyond the general terror that comes with impending fatherhood.

All four of my sons were born back in the day when fathers were not allowed in the delivery room.  It was a convenient cop-out for me, and I am not sorry that I wasn't present for the awe-inspiring drama. 

My dad always credited me for waiting until the completion of Boston Celtics basketball game--which he was watching on the waiting room TV-- until I arrived.

Also, I was not in the delivery room for my first born.  My wife had a scheduled c-section and they told me I couldn't go in.  I realized, after the fact, that this was so the hospital would not have their incompetence on full display.  They cut my daughter's head upon retrieval--so basically the first thing that happened to her post-natal was getting stitches-- and the anesthesiologist doped my wife up so badly that she was out for several hours.  I was actually the first person to feed the baby, which I did with a bottle.

Moral of the story--don't ever have your birth at St. Francis Hospital in Evanston.  You're better off having Eli's hippie Douala deliver your child on a dirt path in the forest.

I'm somewhat shocked that Meatball Doctor Huey didn't insist on being present to second guess every damn thing that went on in that operating room.

Actually MEATBALL EXPECTANT FATHER Huey felt it was appropriately old-school to be out in the waiting room, pacing the room like any old-school stereotypical expectant father while his woman was producing his offspring with all of her lady parts exposed etc. like back IN DA DAY WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND NOT SISSY LITTLE WANNABE NURSES.

[Quality Start Machine]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yep. My nephew was born with a high fever and had to go on anti-biotics basically the second he was out of the womb and was in the NICU for weeks. Scared the living piss out of me. The midwife thing is fine with me as long as everything goes to plan, but I sure as hell wasn't going to sign off on a midwife that didn't operate out of a hospital with doctors available in case of an emergency.

... You've got no reason to worry, at least beyond the general terror that comes with impending fatherhood.

All four of my sons were born back in the day when fathers were not allowed in the delivery room.  It was a convenient cop-out for me, and I am not sorry that I wasn't present for the awe-inspiring drama. 

My dad always credited me for waiting until the completion of Boston Celtics basketball game--which he was watching on the waiting room TV-- until I arrived.

Also, I was not in the delivery room for my first born.  My wife had a scheduled c-section and they told me I couldn't go in.  I realized, after the fact, that this was so the hospital would not have their incompetence on full display.  They cut my daughter's head upon retrieval--so basically the first thing that happened to her post-natal was getting stitches-- and the anesthesiologist doped my wife up so badly that she was out for several hours.  I was actually the first person to feed the baby, which I did with a bottle.

Moral of the story--don't ever have your birth at St. Francis Hospital in Evanston.  You're better off having Eli's hippie Douala deliver your child on a dirt path in the forest.

I'm somewhat shocked that Meatball Doctor Huey didn't insist on being present to second guess every damn thing that went on in that operating room.

Actually MEATBALL EXPECTANT FATHER Huey felt it was appropriately old-school to be out in the waiting room, pacing the room like any old-school stereotypical expectant father while his woman was producing his offspring with all of her lady parts exposed etc. like back IN DA DAY WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND NOT SISSY LITTLE WANNABE NURSES.

Then he handed out White Owls to everyone once she was born.

[CT III]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yep. My nephew was born with a high fever and had to go on anti-biotics basically the second he was out of the womb and was in the NICU for weeks. Scared the living piss out of me. The midwife thing is fine with me as long as everything goes to plan, but I sure as hell wasn't going to sign off on a midwife that didn't operate out of a hospital with doctors available in case of an emergency.

... You've got no reason to worry, at least beyond the general terror that comes with impending fatherhood.

All four of my sons were born back in the day when fathers were not allowed in the delivery room.  It was a convenient cop-out for me, and I am not sorry that I wasn't present for the awe-inspiring drama. 

My dad always credited me for waiting until the completion of Boston Celtics basketball game--which he was watching on the waiting room TV-- until I arrived.

Also, I was not in the delivery room for my first born.  My wife had a scheduled c-section and they told me I couldn't go in.  I realized, after the fact, that this was so the hospital would not have their incompetence on full display.  They cut my daughter's head upon retrieval--so basically the first thing that happened to her post-natal was getting stitches-- and the anesthesiologist doped my wife up so badly that she was out for several hours.  I was actually the first person to feed the baby, which I did with a bottle.

Moral of the story--don't ever have your birth at St. Francis Hospital in Evanston.  You're better off having Eli's hippie Douala deliver your child on a dirt path in the forest.

I'm somewhat shocked that Meatball Doctor Huey didn't insist on being present to second guess every damn thing that went on in that operating room.

Actually MEATBALL EXPECTANT FATHER Huey felt it was appropriately old-school to be out in the waiting room, pacing the room like any old-school stereotypical expectant father while his woman was producing his offspring with all of her lady parts exposed etc. like back IN DA DAY WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND NOT SISSY LITTLE WANNABE NURSES.

This answer is acceptable to me.

[Bort]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

[Chuck to Chuck]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

[Bort]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Chuck gonna Chuck.

[Eli]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Chuck gonna Chuck.

I see what Chuck is saying, but the relatively enormous human head (compared to other animals) is what accounts for the most of the, uh, stretching of the birth canal. The head on a 10-pound baby isn't significantly larger than that of a 5-pound baby, so I don't think birth weight has much to do with anything.

Side note: This conversation has inspired me to quit my marketing job here at the hospital and become a male midwife instead.

Side note 2: This is in my top 5 favorite Desipio thread derailments.

[Quality Start Machine]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Chuck gonna Chuck.

I see what Chuck is saying, but the relatively enormous human head (compared to other animals) is what accounts for the most of the, uh, stretching of the birth canal. The head on a 10-pound baby isn't significantly larger than that of a 5-pound baby, so I don't think birth weight has much to do with anything.

Side note: This conversation has inspired me to quit my marketing job here at the hospital and become a male midwife instead.

Side note 2: This is in my top 5 favorite Desipio thread derailments.

And now I'm wondering how Kevin Mench's mother ever pushed that colossal melon out.

[ChuckD]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Chuck gonna Chuck.

I see what Chuck is saying, but the relatively enormous human head (compared to other animals) is what accounts for the most of the, uh, stretching of the birth canal. The head on a 10-pound baby isn't significantly larger than that of a 5-pound baby, so I don't think birth weight has much to do with anything.

Side note: This conversation has inspired me to quit my marketing job here at the hospital and become a male midwife instead.

Side note 2: This is in my top 5 favorite Desipio thread derailments.

I believe you'll find "midhusband" is the word you're looking for. Or, apparently, "accoucheur" if you want to be pretentious.

[Eli]

Or, apparently, "accoucheur" if you want to be pretentious.

I do.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

We used modern medicine. It was pretty sweet.

I know enough friends who have had emergency procedures needed that it's insane to me that anyone would want to have a baby anywhere other than 5 feet from the nearest doctor.

Yeah. Turns out Ali's birth canal was too narrow for even a 7 pound baby, so in the days before surgery she'd have probably died in childbirth. Hooray for doctors.

Back in the day she wouldn't have had a 7 pound baby. Hooray for modern medicine, sure. But also modern nutrition is letting women give birth to watermelons.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Your child is a "ginormous" fat-ass who looks ugly without makeup.

[PenFoe]

Or, apparently, "accoucheur" if you want to be pretentious.

I do.

[Slaky]

Oh good.

http://awfulannouncing.com/2014/nfls-female-viewership-actually-2014.html

[PenFoe]

What in the fuck, Packers?

Could you stop trying to be so fucking gross for two seconds, Wisconsin?

You keep being you, Wisconsin.

    "Big Mother" pretzel bun
    1/2 pound of ground venison
    1/2 pound of ground bacon
    1/2 pound of certified Angus beef
    Crispy fried onions
    Jalapeno smoked bacon
    Lettuce
    Six slices of tomatoes
    Pickles
    Secret sauce
    Housemade jalapeno cheese (jalapenos, multiple cheddars and BBQ sauce)