National Tonkoon's Vacation

[Tonker]

Far be it from me to agree with TDubbs, but...

i mean seriously, tonk is coming over from europe. he doesn't need to stop in iowa or southern illinois with his family to see a fucking ice cream shop

Hey no one said he had to do anything. I certainly wouldn't recommend Iowa as a tourist destination for anyone. But if he's driving 80 and needs to stop in the state of Iowa for food, there are places more delicious than others.

As a veteran of the stretch of 80 that runs from Chicago to its easternmost point, I can attest to the value of finding something other than Cracker Barrel for a quick bite to eat.

Yeah, I think we're all just giving tips on how to best manage the relative boringness that stretches between actual cities in the Midwest*. None of us assume Tonk's going to come back from the trip thinking Coralville is a more fair city than London. But there's plenty of Americana to be seen and (to me, in my dumb/earnest opinion) that's very much a part of what America actually is.

* Also, I'm sure Tonk has a good idea of the sheer enormity of America, but he may not fully grasp it until he's actually road tripping. The Chicago-Denver drive is roughly the same length as driving Den Haag to Rome, and that only covers a little over 1/3 of the U.S.

Eli's about nailed it, here.  I've never been to Navy Pier, or up the Hancock, or Lincoln Park Zoo - or even the Bundy fountain - because basically, I'm not interested in seeing sights.  Much of my time in Chicago is spent trawling from one burger bar to the next, or watching baseball in bars, or drinking with you lot, and that's no accident.  One of the best things I ever did in my life was to go to Mike's family's golf tournament and then back to his Uncle's house for a cook-out.  Everybody else there had a really good time, but I was in heaven: it was a little slice of actual American life and I loved the fucking shit out of it.

It's the reason I have spent half my life outside the UK and it's the reason I'm coming to the States with my family this summer: I'm interested in contemporary culture, and contemporary people, and contemporary food and drink, and having a great fucking contemporary time.  I'm sure there are plenty of little slices of American life to be found in Iowa, and Southern Illinois, and even Indiana (okay, maybe not Indiana).  That golf thing was in DeKalb, for fuck sake, and the funny thing is, you're just as likely to find these little pockets of authenticity when you're not looking for them, and certainly way more likely to find them away from tourist hot-spots or "interesting" things to see.

I have no idea where I'm going with this.  In summary, then... erm...  'Murica?

Well if that's the case I'm sure I could convince Pa to fire up the pontoon boat and take you cruising the Mississippi.

God I hope none of that post is a euphemism.

Euphemism for "squeal like a pig"?

(NSFW)

Can't help you about the Midwest (although I have seen Butter Cow at the Iowa state fair and say that is worth it if you were around), but can help with Chicago.  All you folks need to come to my place, we have a 10 year old, a play room a dog, a grill for proper sausage cooking (RIP Hot Dougs) and a 4 block walk to Wrigley

Also a tip about car rental-- the chains get a bit problematic if you rent for more than 28 days, so you may want to plan around that (you probably don't want a car when you are in Chicago anyway).  National is my preferred brand (you can pick out your own car), but any of the majors will do.

You, my old son, are very, very much on.

[Quality Start Machine]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

My (now) 9 year old daughter still remembers "Frank and Laurie's Park" so I suspect the kids can burn off some energy on the playground just a little behind your house.

[CT III]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

My (now) 9 year old daughter still remembers "Frank and Laurie's Park" so I suspect the kids can burn off some energy on the playground just a little behind your house.

HA! That's right, my older 2 kids still occasionally talk about that day they met your daughter and played on that playground.

[Quality Start Machine]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

My (now) 9 year old daughter still remembers "Frank and Laurie's Park" so I suspect the kids can burn off some energy on the playground just a little behind your house.

HA! That's right, my older 2 kids still occasionally talk about that day they met your daughter and played on that playground.

And the odd man with the helmet?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

My (now) 9 year old daughter still remembers "Frank and Laurie's Park" so I suspect the kids can burn off some energy on the playground just a little behind your house.

HA! That's right, my older 2 kids still occasionally talk about that day they met your daughter and played on that playground.

And the odd man with the helmet?

I hadn't realized she left quite the impression.  That was what--4 years ago?

You sure it wasn't the odd man in the helmet they remember?

[CT III]

yeah, if you feel like making the trek to Evanston, I can save you some dough on dinner one night too. No yard, dog or kids, but 2 cats and a deck up on the roof. I manage to not fuck up ribs, and LFork makes one helluva pecan pie.

My (now) 9 year old daughter still remembers "Frank and Laurie's Park" so I suspect the kids can burn off some energy on the playground just a little behind your house.

HA! That's right, my older 2 kids still occasionally talk about that day they met your daughter and played on that playground.

And the odd man with the helmet?

I hadn't realized she left quite the impression.  That was what--4 years ago?

You sure it wasn't the odd man in the helmet they remember?

When you've lived your whole life with me, everyone else is bound to make an impression.

[Tonker]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

[Eli]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

[SKO]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

[Quality Start Machine]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

You hilljacks are going to have Tonk in jorts telling people they have purty mouths before he leaves, aren't you?

[SKO]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

You hilljacks are going to have Tonk in jorts telling people they have purty mouths before he leaves, aren't you?

Does the 5th person to make a deliverance joke in this thread get a prize or something? Or just the first one to actually be funny.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

You hilljacks are going to have Tonk in jorts telling people they have purty mouths before he leaves, aren't you?

Does the 5th person to make a deliverance joke in this thread get a prize or something? Or just the first one to actually be funny.

If a link to the scene of poor Ole' Ned Beatty getting plummaged by one of your ancestors doesn't make you laugh then I don't know what the hell's wrong with you.

[R-V]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

You hilljacks are going to have Tonk in jorts telling people they have purty mouths before he leaves, aren't you?

Does the 5th person to make a deliverance joke in this thread get a prize or something? Or just the first one to actually be funny.

If a link to the scene of poor Ole' Ned Beatty getting plummaged by one of your ancestors doesn't make you laugh then I don't know what the hell's wrong with you.

Is this a new word or are you trying to say that Colonel Jebediah SKOtles attached colorful feathers to Ned Beatty?

[CT III]

It occurred to me that it was probably easier, and would save a day's travelling, to do a three-legged roadtrip from Chicago - Menver - Nashville - Chicago.  So I factored that into the plans and, just for giggles, had a quick look at the Nashville Sounds' schedule in the last week of July, which is when we'd be there.  Turns out, they're playing Iowa that week.  You fucking beauty.

Everything's coming up Tonk, bitches.

That actually would work well -- your trip from Chicago to Denver would be a bit quicker going through Iowa/Nebraska, and then your KC stop (hi!) would just be directly along 70 on the way to Nashville.

You can also marvel at the number of porn/fireworks billboards on I-70 in the middle of Missouri. Then you can stop in St. Louis for the world's greatest Italian food and St. Louis style pizza/BBQ/waffle cones.

Eli raises a good point. Are fireworks also legal in your pot/prostitution/universal healthcare legalizing socialist hellhole of a country? If not, stop and buy some. You'd be amazed at the caliber of explosives you can get for just $25, and they'll throw in all of the firecrackers you could ever want for free half of the time.

You hilljacks are going to have Tonk in jorts telling people they have purty mouths before he leaves, aren't you?

Does the 5th person to make a deliverance joke in this thread get a prize or something? Or just the first one to actually be funny.

If a link to the scene of poor Ole' Ned Beatty getting plummaged by one of your ancestors doesn't make you laugh then I don't know what the hell's wrong with you.

Has anyone here ever actually seen Deliverance?  It takes place in Georgia, you dopes.