PenisWrong's Humblebrag Thread

[InternetApex]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

This would qualify for a humblebrag if you weren't so self-aware. I read a good one on Facebook the other day from a mom who said she was worried because her son was progressing too quickly through some learning/testing shit at school and oh, no the horror, what if he has to skip a grade? Emoji emoji.

Gross.  

[Slaky]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

This would qualify for a humblebrag if you weren't so self-aware. I read a good one on Facebook the other day from a mom who said she was worried because her son was progressing too quickly through some learning/testing shit at school and oh, no the horror, what if he has to skip a grade? Emoji emoji.

Gross.  

Expert level humblebrag.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

[InternetApex]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

So if somebody follows one of you whores on Twitter you automatically cape up for them on the internets. That's cute.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

So if somebody follows one of you whores on Twitter you automatically cape up for them on the internets. That's cute.

I'm haven't stopped giving the guy shit.  He's still capable of gross stupidity; he's just not "gone" like Telander is.

[SKO]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

So if somebody follows one of you whores on Twitter you automatically cape up for them on the internets. That's cute.

I'm haven't stopped giving the guy shit.  He's still capable of gross stupidity; he's just not "gone" like Telander is.

The whole I'm haven't?

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

So if somebody follows one of you whores on Twitter you automatically cape up for them on the internets. That's cute.

I'm haven't stopped giving the guy shit.  He's still capable of gross stupidity; he's just not "gone" like Telander is.

The whole I'm haven't?

Every damn last one, yeah.

[Saul Goodman]

What about 552 followers, Pex? And what if one of them is apparently Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista, blue checkmark and all?

Seriously guys why the fuck does Jose Bautista follow me on twitter? Does he hate David Ross?

He follows a million people. Don't get too excited.

I'm not, I'm just legitimately baffled. I've never tweeted at or about him so I have no idea why he would have followed me even as part of a mass following spree. This isn't like being followed by THE Glendon Rusch, of which I am extremely proud.

Morrissey also follows me, Huey, but I think it's so he can favorite I every tweet I ever insult him with in an act of supreme trolling. It's patronizing and I hate him all the more for it.

Morrissey follows all of us, I think. I never followed back. If I found out Telander followed me I'd straight up block his ass.

Morrissey is, I think, an actually amusing human being if you can just accept a troll. Unlike Telander and Wittenmyer he's self-aware, he knows he's doing it, and he laughs at the people who catch on. Ever since I realized that I don't even bother actually insulting him. He's in on the joke.

You've articulated what I've come around to thinking myself.  Thanks.

So if somebody follows one of you whores on Twitter you automatically cape up for them on the internets. That's cute.

I'm haven't stopped giving the guy shit.  He's still capable of gross stupidity; he's just not "gone" like Telander is.

The whole I'm haven't?

What about the whole I every tweet I AND the whole with in?

[SKO]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

[Tonker]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

[CBStew]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

This kid is going to be really popular in high school.

[Bort]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

[PenFoe]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time. 

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister. 

It's a pretty proud time for me. 

[Bort]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time. 

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister. 

It's a pretty proud time for me. 

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.