PenisWrong's Humblebrag Thread

[Quality Start Machine]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

Despite never parenting a child, I can assure you this is nothing to be humble about.

[flannj]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

[Slaky]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

[SKO]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

My friend's daughter was born in August and she's already in 2T clothes. She's a tank. It's worked out well because they just gave us all of the diapers they had stocked up on before she was born that she outgrew too fast to use. Haven't bought a box of diapers yet.

[PenFoe]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

That's 14 lbs lighter than my 6-year old daughter.

[air2300]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

My daughter was tracking the same way. Enjoy it. That means she eats well, without being fussy.

[Bort]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

That's 14 lbs lighter than my 6-year old daughter.

Wait. Your six year old is the same weight as my 2-1/2 year old?

[Tonker]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

That's 14 lbs lighter than my 6-year old daughter.

Wait. Your six year old is the same weight as my 2-1/2 year old?

ATonk is six and weighs more or less twice that.  Do they have doubles truck pulling?

[PenFoe]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

That's 14 lbs lighter than my 6-year old daughter.

Wait. Your six year old is the same weight as my 2-1/2 year old?

She's a real small kid.

[flannj]

My son cried hysterically for about an hour and a half Saturday night. No stopping it. Loud, shrieking, deafening cries. Painful cries. Cries that hurt my very soul. Wasn't hungry. Obviously some kind of gas or cramp to blame. Tried every remedy we had and every thing that every old woman in our life told us to try. Nothing seemed to fit. After a while I just sat in the rocking chair with him, slowly praying for death as I gently rubbed his back.

Then he promptly farted for - no exaggeration - twenty seconds without pause.  Just take a moment to count out twenty seconds, now, the better to appreciate his achievement.  By the time he reached, probably, twelve seconds or so I was Muttleying so hard that I nearly fell off the rocker.

He then gave what I think might have been his first genuine smile ever, and slept for four and a half hours straight, as did my wife and I. It was glorious.

I wholeheartedly approve this post.

Yep.

"that first time your son discovers how goddamn satisfying a long fart is".

His next fart milestone will be "laughing at his own fart."

My son laughs hysterically at his own farts. Every single time.  

He actively tries to fart on me and his mother at the moment, though he spares his sister.  

It's a pretty proud time for me.  

Oh yeah. Jackson has done that a few times.

*wipes tear from eye*

They just grow up so fast.

Wait until your daughter and her teamates fill the interior of an SUV with bad ass gas while you're driving down an interstate at 70 miles per hour with the windows closed during a rainstorm for seven hours straight (she also blows snot rockets, cracks her knuckles like an Iron Worker, and belches like it's going to be a career).

My delicate little flower.

Not sure how your daughter was tracking as a baby but we've got a 22 pounder going on seven months old. She's a goddamn monster already. I imagine her pulling trucks on ESPN 2 when she gets older.

That's 14 lbs lighter than my 6-year old daughter.

Wait. Your six year old is the same weight as my 2-1/2 year old?

She's a real small kid.

I wouldn't make too much of how big or small they are when they are little vs how they are going to turn out when they are fully grown hairy ogres. They all mature at different rates (more so with boys). My daughter was always in the 90+ percentile for height and was pretty much the tallest in her class for most of her youth. She is 20 years old now and 5' 7" and has been that height since she was 13. While that makes her a tall girl she has been passed up in height by a couple of her classmates.

I do believe that a very physically active child (and I mean years of serious weight training, running, conditioning, and proper diet) can make a big difference in their development. It's very cool to watch how they all grow in different ways and I would suggest as strongly as possible to get them into organized sports as early as you can. My daughter has two fucked up ankles and a rebuilt knee and she reminds us regularly that she wouldn't trade her soccer life for anything. She still plays and we will watch her kicking ass every Sunday morning this summer in a women's league.

It has been formative for her in so many ways. Physically, mentally, socially and lifestyle.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Since we're sharing kid stories and are all apparently way too old for internetting now:

We asked my little girl who her daddy's favorite baseball player was...and after she muttered (wrongly) Easton Corbin, she said (under her breath, with a touch of hatred) "Oh...stupid Kris Bryant" (except she said "Brian").

It's a thing we all say now.

[PenFoe]

Since we're sharing kid stories and are all apparently way too old for internetting now:

We asked my little girl who her daddy's favorite baseball player was...and after she muttered (wrongly) Easton Corbin, she said (under her breath, with a touch of hatred) "Oh...stupid Kris Bryant" (except she said "Brian").

It's a thing we all say now.

I wish Daddy loved me as much as he loves that stupid Kris Brian.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Since we're sharing kid stories and are all apparently way too old for internetting now:

We asked my little girl who her daddy's favorite baseball player was...and after she muttered (wrongly) Easton Corbin, she said (under her breath, with a touch of hatred) "Oh...stupid Kris Bryant" (except she said "Brian").

It's a thing we all say now.

I wish Daddy loved me as much as he loves that stupid Kris Brian.

No one ever said there wouldn't be any sacrifices in wearing the crown as THE Kris Bryant guy.

[R-V]

Maybe Lester's just a fucking closet case who can't throw to first and is afraid of facing a big league fastball. Maybe having Ross around is just cathartic for him in this big, crazy, loud world with all these people around who want to touch him and ask him questions.

He did surprisingly well in Oakland without Ross if that's the case. I went soft on Ross for a few weeks and now I regret it. I've singlehandedly turned Coghlan into Billy Williams out there in left. Least I can do is hate Ross into being useful or at least a really solid bullpen catcher.

Let's torch this barn, fuckers. See you in hell, Ross.

The Cubs bullpen catcher is my upstairs neighbor. His girlfriend's a lunatic.

[SKO]

Maybe Lester's just a fucking closet case who can't throw to first and is afraid of facing a big league fastball. Maybe having Ross around is just cathartic for him in this big, crazy, loud world with all these people around who want to touch him and ask him questions.

He did surprisingly well in Oakland without Ross if that's the case. I went soft on Ross for a few weeks and now I regret it. I've singlehandedly turned Coghlan into Billy Williams out there in left. Least I can do is hate Ross into being useful or at least a really solid bullpen catcher.

Let's torch this barn, fuckers. See you in hell, Ross.

The Cubs bullpen catcher is my upstairs neighbor. His girlfriend's a lunatic.

*pushes "tell me more" button*