Batman v. Superman

[SKO]

[InternetApex]

Fucking 32% on Rotten Tomatoes. 44% on Metacritic. Much as I expected it to be terrible I expected them to cram enough fireworks into it to entertain more people than that. It's apparently not only bad but also boring.

I might not even see this. I'm really annoyed - I thought it would be critically panned but watchable. Apparently it's not even watchable. Kind of like Man Of Steel which I refuse to watch.

The defense I have heard from people who liked Man of Steel, and who were determined to like this, is that "so what, it's a popcorn flick, all it has to do is be an entertaining slugfest", but the problem is that if you watch Man of Steel with all it's rancid dialogue about "you will give them hope!" and you listen to Snyder's Ayn Rand bullshit when discussing MoS and BvS, he very clearly thought there was some grand philosophical statement he was making with these movies. So the complete lack of any kind of humor or fun makes it hard to just turn off your brain and watch the inevitable CGI 'splosions because he's spent two hours making sure you know this is a very serious film for serious people.

You seem to understand why I don't care for these movies and like to mock people who are keeping these franchises fat while very little of substance is produced. If I can watch a serious movie for a serious person that happens to have explosions and whatever, I'm great. If it's about turning off my brain and just enjoying CGI, I'd rather not. As you've noted, the graphic novels these films are based upon, do challenge your intellect and tug on your heart strings. But when they hit the big screen, this is all missing.

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

[SKO]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

[InternetApex]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

So there are good ones and bad ones. I can't tell which is which though because the people who love these films don't give a crap. So I'm stuck wondering if I'll like a comic book movie and defaulting to: Is it Dark Knight? If Yes, watch. If No, stay the hell away.

So it's not pointless to lump them together. It saves me the grief of getting burned by Iron Man 2 and the like. If something is so great that non-comic fans are lining up to give it a go, that's probably when I get in. But so many people love these dumb fucking things that I don't know where to start. Where the comic book movie haters? Let's unite.

[Bort]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

So there are good ones and bad ones. I can't tell which is which though because the people who love these films don't give a crap. So I'm stuck wondering if I'll like a comic book movie and defaulting to: Is it Dark Knight? If Yes, watch. If No, stay the hell away.

So it's not pointless to lump them together. It saves me the grief of getting burned by Iron Man 2 and the like. If something is so great that non-comic fans are lining up to give it a go, that's probably when I get in. But so many people love these dumb fucking things that I don't know where to start. Where the comic book movie haters? Let's unite.

I took enough symbolic logic in college to know that you just basically made the same argument as people who say "I like everything but rap and country."

[Saul Goodman]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

So there are good ones and bad ones. I can't tell which is which though because the people who love these films don't give a crap. So I'm stuck wondering if I'll like a comic book movie and defaulting to: Is it Dark Knight? If Yes, watch. If No, stay the hell away.

So it's not pointless to lump them together. It saves me the grief of getting burned by Iron Man 2 and the like. If something is so great that non-comic fans are lining up to give it a go, that's probably when I get in. But so many people love these dumb fucking things that I don't know where to start. Where the comic book movie haters? Let's unite.

I took enough symbolic logic in college to know that you just basically made the same argument as people who say "I like everything but rap and country."

Easy there, college boy.

[Bort]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

So there are good ones and bad ones. I can't tell which is which though because the people who love these films don't give a crap. So I'm stuck wondering if I'll like a comic book movie and defaulting to: Is it Dark Knight? If Yes, watch. If No, stay the hell away.

So it's not pointless to lump them together. It saves me the grief of getting burned by Iron Man 2 and the like. If something is so great that non-comic fans are lining up to give it a go, that's probably when I get in. But so many people love these dumb fucking things that I don't know where to start. Where the comic book movie haters? Let's unite.

I took enough symbolic logic in college to know that you just basically made the same argument as people who say "I like everything but rap and country."

Easy there, college boy.

Hey, you spend 9 years as an undergrad, and sooner or later something sinks in.

[Tonker]

I'll just leave this here: http://www.theguardian.com/film/shortcuts/2016/mar/29/most-savage-batman-v-superman-dawn-justice-reviews

"Characters intone expository dialogue in a manner that suggests they are heavily constipated."

"A stink bucket of disappointment, a sad and unnecessary PG-13 orphan fight..."

"A storytelling disgrace."

"It is about as diverting as having a porcelain sink broken over your head ..."

"It should really be called Batman and Superman v the Audience."

[ChuckD]

"... a sad and unnecessary PG-13 orphan fight..."

That's a fantastic turn of phrase.

[SKO]

I'll just leave this here: http://www.theguardian.com/film/shortcuts/2016/mar/29/most-savage-batman-v-superman-dawn-justice-reviews

"Characters intone expository dialogue in a manner that suggests they are heavily constipated."

"A stink bucket of disappointment, a sad and unnecessary PG-13 orphan fight..."

"A storytelling disgrace."

"It is about as diverting as having a porcelain sink broken over your head ..."

"It should really be called Batman and Superman v the Audience."

That's excellent. This is also similarly excellent: http://www.tor.com/2016/03/28/an-oral-history-of-batman-v-superman-as-told-by-its-critics-2/

I think the sickest burn of the movie I've seen started with "From Zack Snyder, director of Sucker Punch". I mean, harsh, bro.

[SKO]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

[Saul Goodman]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

[SKO]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

I'm going to be mad if RV doesn't at least thank me for this review after goading me into this.

[Tony]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

I'm going to be mad if RV doesn't at least thank me for this review after goading me into this.

I liked your Facebook review but I like this one even more. No desire to see this movie.

[R-V]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

I'm going to be mad if RV doesn't at least thank me for this review after goading me into this.

Excellent coerced review. Would read again!