Batman v. Superman

[SKO]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

I'm going to be mad if RV doesn't at least thank me for this review after goading me into this.

I liked your Facebook review but I like this one even more. No desire to see this movie.

I was glad that I went to a basically abandoned theater to watch this. There were 2 other people about 10 rows in front of me, so they were not bothered as I angrily texted my friend my live reactions. The notes were handy when I got home and wrote roughly 12,000 words on it on two different sites.

[SKO]

Since nobody is going to watch this I'll just say that this is how the fight actually goes down:

Lex Luthor pits Batman against Superman because he either wants A)Batman to figure out how to kill Superman for him or B) Superman to kill Batman with Lex's cameras watching so the whole world sees Superman is a murderer (as opposed to just a guy who killed another Alien while causing thousands of casualties as collateral damage).

He does this by kidnapping Martha Kent, and telling Superman he'll kill her if he doesn't kill or get killed by Batman. Superman tells Lois "I have to go convince Batman to help me!" and then spends like 10 minutes fighting him without ever really giving much effort to explaining to Batman that Lex Luthor has kidnapped his mom.

The whole thing eventually comes down to Batman preparing to stab Superman with a  kryptonite spear when Superman says "HE'LL KILL MARTHA", which causes Bruce to flash back to his mother Martha's death for the 18th or 20th time in the movie, and when he's all "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT NAME" Lois Lane bursts in to say "THAT'S HIS MOTHER'S NAME" and after Superman finally explains his mom's kidnapping Batman just instantly becomes Super-friends with Superman even though all of his issues with Superman being an unchecked God haven't gone away at all. Why Superman said "they're going to kill Martha!" instead of "they're going to kill my mom!" is beyond me.

So Batman goes to rescue Martha, Superman goes to stop Lex, and Lex then unleashes Doomsday, which was his plan B for killing Superman if Batman didn't do it. But the thing is, Doomsday is about to be "born" or whatever from Lex's lab before the fight vs Batman even starts, and Lex doesn't seem like he can actually control him anyway. So if Superman had died at Batman's hands I guess Lex was just going to cackle like the Heath Ledger Joker wannabe he is while Doomsday wiped out the whole human race with no one to stop him?

God this movie was so fucking dumb.

[CBStew]

Holy shit what a disaster.

Cardinal sin, much like Man of Steel,  is that it's fucking BORING. The entire first half is almost devoid of action barring a few bizarre and awful nonsensical dream sequences. There's no through line or any graceful transition between scenes, either.  Shit happens, more shit happens, none of it is related. The score is goddamn oppressive. Any time you might try to actually get invested in a scene it's drowned out with BWOOOOOOONNNGGG and chanting. The final fight drags on forever and becomes so CGI laden and punch punch punch building falls EXPLOSION that you can barely tell what's happening and it gets boring. It's a bad movie regardless of whether you like comics or not.

From a comic fan standpoint though my god does it fuck everything up. Batman killing? You betcha. Superman moping the entire time? Oh yeah. Superman once again not deciding to be fucking heroic in the slightest unless Lois is in danger or one of his dead dads tells him to? Certainly.

At one point Superman--FUCKING SUPERMAN-- says "no one stays good in this world." SUPERMAN SAID THAT

There's your "it stands for hope" i guess. Go fuck yourself David Goyer and Zack Snyder.

Oh and Batman is a fucking idiot. That's it. The entire plot doesn't work unless THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE is an easily manipulated jagoff with an itch for murderin' and by god and he is and he's got one!

Also if you've read The Dark Knight Returns just know Zack Snyder has, too. He recites about 20 lines of dialogue from it, word for word, and several scenes are taken from it , but he's divorced them entirely from their original context and meaning and made them even more cynical and worse than they were in a book about Superman and Batman fighting in a post nuclear apocalypse.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst part of this movie and it ain't even close. He talks like a man doing a bad impersonation of Heath Ledger's Joker because no one explained Lex Luthor to him, I guess.

Lois Lane again basically only gets in danger so Superman will have something to do by saving her. Perry White again values selling papers over telling the truth, which shits on literally the only reason Perry White exists. Jimmy Olsen is in this long enough to get shot in the head.

The whole thing opens with Bruce's parents getting shot, of course,  but we keep going back to it in case you forget it. It then shows things from a 9/11 survivor's perspective. I mean...it shows us Bruce Wayne being utterly helpless as skyscrapers full of people collapse and neither Batman nor Superman helps them. What a wonderful image.

Doomsday's CGI is fucking terrible.

The Batcave/mobile were cool and Wonder Woman was pretty close to perfect. Superman has one exchange with Lois that actually feels like Superman saying a thing Superman would say before SPOILER ALERT sacrificing himself to kill Doomsday. Those are the total of nice things I have to say about this movie.

What a drab, cynical, joyless, humorless, tone deaf, self important, wannabe pretentious piece of shit.  It's going to make too much money for them to kill the whole franchise but for fuck's sake get rid of the two douchebags that don't even like Superman but keep making movies about him.

Honestly this is the only review anyone will ever need to read. Staying far, far away, and thank you for your sacrifice.

I'm going to be mad if RV doesn't at least thank me for this review after goading me into this.

Excellent coerced review. Would read again!

When I think of the pain that you saved me...I am so grateful for this review.

[ChuckD]

Since nobody is going to watch this I'll just say that this is how the fight actually goes down:

Lex Luthor pits Batman against Superman because he either wants A)Batman to figure out how to kill Superman for him or B) Superman to kill Batman with Lex's cameras watching so the whole world sees Superman is a murderer (as opposed to just a guy who killed another Alien while causing thousands of casualties as collateral damage).

He does this by kidnapping Martha Kent, and telling Superman he'll kill her if he doesn't kill or get killed by Batman. Superman tells Lois "I have to go convince Batman to help me!" and then spends like 10 minutes fighting him without ever really giving much effort to explaining to Batman that Lex Luthor has kidnapped his mom.

The whole thing eventually comes down to Batman preparing to stab Superman with a  kryptonite spear when Superman says "HE'LL KILL MARTHA", which causes Bruce to flash back to his mother Martha's death for the 18th or 20th time in the movie, and when he's all "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT NAME" Lois Lane bursts in to say "THAT'S HIS MOTHER'S NAME" and after Superman finally explains his mom's kidnapping Batman just instantly becomes Super-friends with Superman even though all of his issues with Superman being an unchecked God haven't gone away at all. Why Superman said "they're going to kill Martha!" instead of "they're going to kill my mom!" is beyond me.

So Batman goes to rescue Martha, Superman goes to stop Lex, and Lex then unleashes Doomsday, which was his plan B for killing Superman if Batman didn't do it. But the thing is, Doomsday is about to be "born" or whatever from Lex's lab before the fight vs Batman even starts, and Lex doesn't seem like he can actually control him anyway. So if Superman had died at Batman's hands I guess Lex was just going to cackle like the Heath Ledger Joker wannabe he is while Doomsday wiped out the whole human race with no one to stop him?

God this movie was so fucking dumb.

Hilarious. I'll still watch this because I watch a lot of crappy TV/movies, but thanks for saving me from having any sort of expectations.

[Bort]

Since nobody is going to watch this I'll just say that this is how the fight actually goes down:

Lex Luthor pits Batman against Superman because he either wants A)Batman to figure out how to kill Superman for him or B) Superman to kill Batman with Lex's cameras watching so the whole world sees Superman is a murderer (as opposed to just a guy who killed another Alien while causing thousands of casualties as collateral damage).

He does this by kidnapping Martha Kent, and telling Superman he'll kill her if he doesn't kill or get killed by Batman. Superman tells Lois "I have to go convince Batman to help me!" and then spends like 10 minutes fighting him without ever really giving much effort to explaining to Batman that Lex Luthor has kidnapped his mom.

The whole thing eventually comes down to Batman preparing to stab Superman with a  kryptonite spear when Superman says "HE'LL KILL MARTHA", which causes Bruce to flash back to his mother Martha's death for the 18th or 20th time in the movie, and when he's all "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT NAME" Lois Lane bursts in to say "THAT'S HIS MOTHER'S NAME" and after Superman finally explains his mom's kidnapping Batman just instantly becomes Super-friends with Superman even though all of his issues with Superman being an unchecked God haven't gone away at all. Why Superman said "they're going to kill Martha!" instead of "they're going to kill my mom!" is beyond me.

So Batman goes to rescue Martha, Superman goes to stop Lex, and Lex then unleashes Doomsday, which was his plan B for killing Superman if Batman didn't do it. But the thing is, Doomsday is about to be "born" or whatever from Lex's lab before the fight vs Batman even starts, and Lex doesn't seem like he can actually control him anyway. So if Superman had died at Batman's hands I guess Lex was just going to cackle like the Heath Ledger Joker wannabe he is while Doomsday wiped out the whole human race with no one to stop him?

God this movie was so fucking dumb.

I gathered a lot of these details from Twitter, but seeing them compiled in one place continues to strengthen my resolve to never allow a dime of my money to go to Zack Snyder.

[Yeti]

I've probably said it before, but there are way too many superhero movies now, and I just don't feel like I can keep track of them all (and how they relate).

That being said, wonderful review, SKO. I'm glad someone is dedicated to hate-watching stuff.

[SKO]

I've probably said it before, but there are way too many superhero movies now, and I just don't feel like I can keep track of them all (and how they relate).

That being said, wonderful review, SKO. I'm glad someone is dedicated to hate-watching stuff.

Even I'm getting tired of them, Yeti. I could really give  a shit about the next Avengers movie, and I've liked both of the first two, I just feel like I've seen everything I need to see. If they do something fun and new (Ant-Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, hopefully Doctor Strange and Wonder Woman), cool, otherwise I don't really blame anyone for not keeping up. I'll still go because I'm a shameless fanboy like that, but I really don't begrudge a guy like Apex for just saying "fuck it" to all of them.

All I ask is that you believe me when I tell you one of them is really hateworthy or actually excellent, because I am right, always.

[InternetApex]

So, yeah, fuck me for expecting more from a film that I spend time and money on than a Phantom Menace in pajamas making things blow up. When there is something to sink my brain into, I get excited and happy and feel moved by the art I've just engrossed myself in. When that's not there, I'm bored. I get on my phone. I read a book - perhaps even a graphic novel if the accident will.

I'm not going to rip on you for wanting to turn off your brain and watch shit blow up. You know, to each his own. But this is where I'm coming from and you seem to understand that completely.

That said, comic book movies are fucking stupid.

I mean I prefer the Dark Knight to the Avengers, although I enjoy them both. The Dark Knight had a lot of really smart things to say while also being incredibly well paced and entertaining without feeling like a 3 hour funeral march, which seems to be the critical consensus on B v S (I am seeing it next weekend so RV will get his desired HOT TAEK then). The Avengers was a "turn your brain off" movie and it was snappy, funny, and lighthearted. Those are really your two avenues when making really these movies, and if you choose the Dark Knight route you'd better be a lot fucking smarter than Zack Snyder.

Even so, I found the second Avengers movie a lot less entertaining than the first, Iron Man 2 and 3 left basically no impression on me, and Ant-Man was just okay. I don't have a problem with someone saying "a lot of these comic book movies are derivative and unoriginal" and that we're getting too many of them and most of them add nothing of value.

I just don't like the criticism of "I don't like comic book movies, etc." because there's such a vast difference in subject matter and approach between a Batman v Superman and an Ant-Man that lumping them together seems pointless. They're completely different movies that have only the common bond of "they were both based on characters who appeared in picture books first".

So there are good ones and bad ones. I can't tell which is which though because the people who love these films don't give a crap. So I'm stuck wondering if I'll like a comic book movie and defaulting to: Is it Dark Knight? If Yes, watch. If No, stay the hell away.

So it's not pointless to lump them together. It saves me the grief of getting burned by Iron Man 2 and the like. If something is so great that non-comic fans are lining up to give it a go, that's probably when I get in. But so many people love these dumb fucking things that I don't know where to start. Where the comic book movie haters? Let's unite.

I took enough symbolic logic in college to know that you just basically made the same argument as people who say "I like everything but rap and country."

If that's how it read, then the fault is probably mine. What I meant to say is that I don't listen to music stations on the radio because they don't play the music I like. But lots of people do so those songs will continue to get played on the radio 20 times per day while I sit over here in the corner annihilating my pud. 

[Canadouche]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

[CBStew]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

One of those just opened in Oakland.  You can drink an alcoholic beverage while sitting on a sofa.  Wait a minute, you could do that in your own home. 

[Saul Goodman]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

Okay, but I think I'll wait for a movie that doesn't suck.

[Canadouche]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

Okay, but I think I'll wait for a movie that doesn't suck.

I disagree, sir. If you're going to see a movie that sucks, where else should you see it but at a theater where you can get loaded?

Regarding the movie: I had three issues with it. 1) Batman kills a lot of guys, which is bullshit. 2) Lex hops onto the Krypton ship and it speaks perfect English to him from the get-go. 3) During the epic battle with Doomsday, Lois makes a run for the kryptonite spear to help kill the monster. Except she's out of the loop - as far as she knows, the only one that spear will hurt is Superman, i.e., their best chance at stopping the monster.

It was like Zack Snyder took the greatest Batman story, and the most famous Superman story, and blended them together in as shitty a way as possible. Very unfulfilling.

But Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman was outstanding. I thought she did a pretty good job.

[CBStew]

A store down on College Avenue just stocked YOOOGE Batman, Superman and Flash cookie jars.  They are beautiful pop art sculptures.  We have no room for one of those in our kitchen, or living room for that matter, and DJ doesn't share my appreciation for pop art.
http://www.kitchenkapers.com/superman-cookie-jar.html?src=gprod&gclid=CIDa24CIh8wCFcVbfgodOFkISg

[SKO]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

Okay, but I think I'll wait for a movie that doesn't suck.

I disagree, sir. If you're going to see a movie that sucks, where else should you see it but at a theater where you can get loaded?

Regarding the movie: I had three issues with it. 1) Batman kills a lot of guys, which is bullshit. 2) Lex hops onto the Krypton ship and it speaks perfect English to him from the get-go. 3) During the epic battle with Doomsday, Lois makes a run for the kryptonite spear to help kill the monster. Except she's out of the loop - as far as she knows, the only one that spear will hurt is Superman, i.e., their best chance at stopping the monster.

It was like Zack Snyder took the greatest Batman story, and the most famous Superman story, and blended them together in as shitty a way as possible. Very unfulfilling.

But Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman was outstanding. I thought she did a pretty good job.

How about the fact that Superman then charges Doomsday with the kryptonite spear, even though it will probably kill him (spoiler: it totally does), when he could have just given it to Wonder Woman, who is both super strong AND unaffected by Kryptonite?

[Canadouche]

Despite the killer review by SKO, I'll be seeing this movie this weekend. At least I won't be disappointed, because I fully know what I'm getting myself into.

On the bright side, it'll be in a VIP, alcohol-sales-included theater, which you should all try once in your lives if you haven't already.

Okay, but I think I'll wait for a movie that doesn't suck.

I disagree, sir. If you're going to see a movie that sucks, where else should you see it but at a theater where you can get loaded?

Regarding the movie: I had three issues with it. 1) Batman kills a lot of guys, which is bullshit. 2) Lex hops onto the Krypton ship and it speaks perfect English to him from the get-go. 3) During the epic battle with Doomsday, Lois makes a run for the kryptonite spear to help kill the monster. Except she's out of the loop - as far as she knows, the only one that spear will hurt is Superman, i.e., their best chance at stopping the monster.

It was like Zack Snyder took the greatest Batman story, and the most famous Superman story, and blended them together in as shitty a way as possible. Very unfulfilling.

But Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman was outstanding. I thought she did a pretty good job.

How about the fact that Superman then charges Doomsday with the kryptonite spear, even though it will probably kill him (spoiler: it totally does), when he could have just given it to Wonder Woman, who is both super strong AND unaffected by Kryptonite?

This is actually the prefect allegory to the value of sharing. Superman died because he was selfish.