Act II--The Matt Nagy Era--Your 2019 Chicago Bears Thread

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

I know the light for this fading-out star of a shit-for-brains website extinguished already, but that's no excuse for none of us remaining 15 douchebag "regulars" to have started a 2018 Bears Thread--which, considering how it ended more Cub-like than anything pre-2016 Cub that we lived through--may have been an omen. 

Or maybe not--maybe if there had been a thread for the 2018 Bears on this tiny dark corner frequented by a dozen weirdos, even that would have had enough butterfly effect to push the wind at the lakefront on 1/6/18 one-half of one mile-per-hour more to the north, resulting in the oblong ball being pushed JUST ENOUGH back before hitting the crossbar (after hitting the upright, natch) to the correct side of the goalpost, resulting in hilarity shared by all, as well as relief.  And life is beautiful and we're already on to Page 11 of the Desipio 2018 Bears thread discussing how fucked the Rams are.

But we'll never know, will we?  And I don't want to take a chance of it happening again.  And even if this place dwindles further to just Fork, Yeti, Tonker Wheezer, TJ Brown and myself by next September,  at least we'll have this repository and so I'm putting it up now, from practically the furthest point from the start of the 2019 season as possible.

As the first order of business, I'd simply like to address the current Frankenstein's Monster that we're trying to corner and kill.  Though I typically give 2 flying figs about the Kicker position in football, and while I was, deep down, every bit as mad as a Twittering Yeti in the immediate aftermath of the kick, I've swung all the way back to feeling that the Bears might as well keep Parkey now.  He had a shitty year but he was the 9th-most active kicker in the league when the Bears signed him, and his replacement is no guarantee that he'd do any worse than Parkey did in 2018--I wouldn't expect Parkey to be worse. Rationally, neither should anyone.  Let him come back and redeem himself here, rather than go to another team and anger us further by having success.  Worse--beating the Bears.  Worse, still, doing it in a game the Bears need (the schedule will be a LOT tougher in 2019 than 2018).  Worse yet, doing it for a team like Green Bay or Minnesota.  Fuck that--that'll just make the torture worse than it already is.  Bring him back with a  clean slate, give him a  standing O at the opener, and stop throwing good money after bad at soccer players.

It shouldn't come down to the Kicker next year anyway, because 2019 Bears are SUPER BEAR SUPER BOWE bound, but I needed some topic with which to light this candle.  But feel free to discuss the emerging awesomeness of Roquan Smith and Leonard Floyd, and maybe MICHAEL TRUBINSTSKY even, the draft etc.  Bear Down.

[Saul Goodman]

he was the 9th-most active kicker in the league when the Bears signed him

Please tell me you didn't hack his FitBit to figure that out.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

he was the 9th-most active kicker in the league when the Bears signed him

Please tell me you didn't hack his FitBit to figure that out.

I heard it on the radio about 3 weeks ago.  I looked today and he would appear to be 14th now, after his Chatwoodesque 2018.

[R-V]

he was the 9th-most active kicker in the league when the Bears signed him

Please tell me you didn't hack his FitBit to figure that out.

I heard it on the radio about 3 weeks ago.  I looked today and he would appear to be 14th now, after his Chatwoodesque 2018.

I think you're missing Sterling's point. What does "14th most active kicker" mean? That he had the 14th most attempts? Yay?

Also, you've gone soft, man. I pine for the days when you would've given Parkey the DeRosa-level bashing he so richly deserves. He's going on the goddamn Today Show for christ's sake.

[flannj]

First of all, what am I?  Chopped liver?
(I struggled with the punctuation on that and probably still got it wrong)

The Bears didn't lose because of Parkey.
They lost because they couldn't score more than 15 points in a playoff game.
But I appreciate Huey's effort.
Go Cubs.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

he was the 9th-most active kicker in the league when the Bears signed him

Please tell me you didn't hack his FitBit to figure that out.

I heard it on the radio about 3 weeks ago.  I looked today and he would appear to be 14th now, after his Chatwoodesque 2018.

I think you're missing Sterling's point. What does "14th most active kicker" mean? That he had the 14th most attempts? Yay?

Also, you've gone soft, man. I pine for the days when you would've given Parkey the DeRosa-level bashing he so richly deserves. He's going on the goddamn Today Show for christ's sake.

Clearly your PANK-to-English translator would've told you I was trying to communicate the word active as accurate—ACCURATE!

And I admit it—I wrote that defense immediately before seeing he actually went on national fucking television so take heart in knowing that me potatoes were really-a boilin'

Needless to say I'm now officially torn on the issue.  Motherfucker.

[Yeti]

Why is he not cut yet?

[Quality Start Machine]

Why is he not cut yet?

It's still the Bears. They're not throwing nine million guaranteed dollars out the window.

[CBStew]

Why is he not cut yet?

It's still the Bears. They're not throwing nine million guaranteed dollars out the window.

So pay him the $1mill.  But that doesn't mean that they have to use him to doink kicks off the goalposts.  Let him carry a clipboard following Nagy around the sidelines.

[World's #1 Astros Fan]

In light of this Today Show bullshit, I've gone from wanting to give the kid a shot at redemption and keeping him from hurting them down the road to wanting his ass cut STAT and I don't care what he does afterwards but instead of living in dread that he'll come back to haunt us  I will instead spend every amount of energy I have in  lustily rooting for his failure.  And if he does come back and delivers a ballbreaking loss to the Bears with a successful kick I will run him over repeatedly with a golf cart.

ARE YOU HAPPY, RV?

[Saul Goodman]

Why is he not cut yet?

It's still the Bears. They're not throwing nine million guaranteed dollars out the window.

So pay him the $1mill.  But that doesn't mean that they have to use him to doink kicks off the goalposts.  Let him carry a clipboard following Nagy around the sidelines.

Team chaplain. Every sermon will explain that Jesus wanted that kick to double doink.

[Brownie]

In light of this Today Show bullshit, I've gone from wanting to give the kid a shot at redemption and keeping him from hurting them down the road to wanting his ass cut STAT and I don't care what he does afterwards but instead of living in dread that he'll come back to haunt us  I will instead spend every amount of energy I have in  lustily rooting for his failure.  And if he does come back and delivers a ballbreaking loss to the Bears with a successful kick I will run him over repeatedly with a golf cart.

ARE YOU HAPPY, RV?

Per Rich Campbell and Dan Wiederer, Parkey set up the appearance without any help from the Bears crack PR team. I'm on team Huey.

[Yeti]

In light of this Today Show bullshit, I've gone from wanting to give the kid a shot at redemption and keeping him from hurting them down the road to wanting his ass cut STAT and I don't care what he does afterwards but instead of living in dread that he'll come back to haunt us  I will instead spend every amount of energy I have in  lustily rooting for his failure.  And if he does come back and delivers a ballbreaking loss to the Bears with a successful kick I will run him over repeatedly with a golf cart.

ARE YOU HAPPY, RV?

Fuck him, but his Today Show appearance doesn't make me feel angrier towards him

[R-V]

In light of this Today Show bullshit, I've gone from wanting to give the kid a shot at redemption and keeping him from hurting them down the road to wanting his ass cut STAT and I don't care what he does afterwards but instead of living in dread that he'll come back to haunt us  I will instead spend every amount of energy I have in  lustily rooting for his failure.  And if he does come back and delivers a ballbreaking loss to the Bears with a successful kick I will run him over repeatedly with a golf cart.

ARE YOU HAPPY, RV?

Indeed. That's why I've paid for Huey Preimum all these years.

As they say on Tonk's prison island, Parkey can get tae fuck.

[Tonker]

In light of this Today Show bullshit, I've gone from wanting to give the kid a shot at redemption and keeping him from hurting them down the road to wanting his ass cut STAT and I don't care what he does afterwards but instead of living in dread that he'll come back to haunt us  I will instead spend every amount of energy I have in  lustily rooting for his failure.  And if he does come back and delivers a ballbreaking loss to the Bears with a successful kick I will run him over repeatedly with a golf cart.

ARE YOU HAPPY, RV?

Indeed. That's why I've paid for Huey Preimum all these years.

As they say on Tonk's prison island, Parkey can get tae fuck.

Does somebody need tae get tae fuck?  My RSS feed went off.